Single parent, new relationship, autistic child, help needed

[FanNotSpinning]

I have been a single parent for 8 years. In that time I've only very rarely gone out in the evening. One of my dc is autistic and he can't cope with me not being there and he has very strong evening routines that can't be done with anyone else.

He is also currently going through EBSA and has hardly been at school this year.

He has huge trust issues and he cannot cope with being lied to, or feeling like he is being lied to.

I did not expect to ever want to be with a man again and I was happy to dedicate my life to the dc for the moment. I have probably made a rod for my own back, but here I am so.

I recently met a man, totally unexpectedly, and it has developed into a relationship. Because of the evening issues we have managed seeing one another during the school day when all dc but autistic one are out. Autistic dc is 12 and can be left for eg. Me to go shopping, or for a coffee, so I have told him I've been out for coffee with a friend - not giving any details - or I've booked a click and collect instead if my usual in-person shop and taken the time i'd usually spend in the supermarket to see chap - so not technically lying as I am doing the food shop, but also not being open and honest.

I'm very much aware of the need to not introduce anyone until being sure it will last, and we're nowhere near there yet, but I am getting a bit worried that autistic dc will feel lied to whenever I do tell them, and will never forgive me.

Does anyone have any advice? I don't want to mess everything up

As difficult as it is for you and DS, I think you need to be honest with DS.

Alongside this, is alternative provision in place? Has an EHCNA been requested? Is DS receiving any support for his mental health? Have you had social care assessments - a carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the children with disabilities team for DS?

Hi, thanks for replying. I am going to work out a way to be honest with him, knowing that it will be very hard for him, and probably also me.

We are going through EHCP assessment currently and I am really hoping that a suitable educational provision can be finally accessed.

We have had social care involvement in the past (because my eldest child is also autistic and has had many challenges) and I have sadly never found them helpful.

Where are you in the EHCNA process? Is the LA sticking to the timescales? If the LA has already agreed to assess, have you requested the LA seek advice and information from all the necessary people, e.g. SALT, OT, psychiatrist &/or clinical psychologist?

Whilst going through the EHCP process, you should request alternative provision. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

I would request social care assessments again. You will have to drive the process, but a PA to give DS some independence from you and (with some therapeutic provision via the EHCP) reduce his separation anxiety could help.

Thank you, that is very helpful.

We are in the initial assessment (it's taken 2 years to get here), he just saw the EP today. I do think he needs OT assessment but I don't know when I ask for that. The initial assessment period ends beginning sept, which is annoying that it's over the summer. I guess I do need to be more proactive. I am already researching alternative provisions and have had some advice from SENDIASS

You should request OT and SALT and at least one of clinical psychologist and psychiatrist now. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Be careful with SENDIASS. Some are good but too many repeat the LA’s unlawful policies. They receive LA funding so aren’t truly independent and many will ultimately toe the party line. IPSEA and SOSSEN are much better sources of information.

When you say it has taken you 2 years to get here, do you mean you first requested an EHCNA 2 years ago?

Request alternative provision now using IPSEA’s model letter.

Thank you, I will do as you suggest. I have made 3 previous unsuccessful applications for EHC assessment and they've refused to even assess at all. Now they are, seeing as he hasn't been into school at all for months. It's beyond frustrating and I'm sure I haven't done everything I need to do, so I am keen to do so now.

If the LA refuse to issue an EHCP, you should appeal to SENDIST.

Thank you. I'm definitely not taking no for an answer this time