Am I not being pushy enough?

[sweetpeaorchestra]

I have been trying to get help for DD (just turned 8) since she was 5. GP referred her to CAMHS then but it was batted back as a school issue.

To us and wider family (we have a lot of diagnosed ADHD and ASD in our family) she is textbook adhd. Incredibly hyperactive, incessant attention seeking/interrupting, terrible impulse control (we hide treats or they are taken). Poor sleep.
The main issue is her anger. We are kicked /hit most days in response to demands, tonight the house was trashed and doors nearly broken. Because I was trying to get her to sleep in her room (instead of moving the contents of it around at 9pm).

Shes always been “fine” according to school until this year with regular school refusal, needing fidget toys in class because she was sucking her arms so hard they bruised, and her writing notes to teachers saying she is very anxious.

They’ve introduced a worry box and she’s had a lovely Early help counsellor. Despite listening to all the parenting podcasts in the world to help her, things are worse at home.

The SENCO has been great but doesn’t see her as ND. I know we’ll get nowhere if school don’t see the issue.

Surely the fidget toys, arm sucking and anxiety (I have no idea how I’ll get her in tomorrow after tonight) suggest she is struggling to continue masking at school now? They’ve brought up her attention issues before and moved her to lower groups because she is to anxious to keep up in higher sets “though she is capable”. But don’t connect it to the anxiety.

Should I go and push the ADHD route more or accept even if she is, it’s not “bad” enough to warrant a diagnosis and see if more therapy/parenting courses help?
I just feel things will escalate when hormones kick in and maybe she’ll get one then but it feels a crisis already.

I just feel she needs an understanding of why she is like this as her self esteem is low and she’s unhappy and angry a lot.

thank you if anyone read this far. If anyone had any guidance I’d be very grateful.

I would request a meeting with the SENCO. Appearing ‘fine’ at school and exploding at home is known as the coke bottle effect and signifies unmet needs at school. DD is not fine at school. Otherwise she wouldn’t be having periods of EBSNA, self harming and writing notes that she is anxious.

The school needs to provide support. If the SENCO can’t see signs DD is ND, she lacks knowledge and understanding. Directly request referrals for assessment and complain if refused.

What other support is the school providing? How much school has DD missed?

Revisit the GP and request another referral to CAMHS. Or you may be able to self refer. This is not an issue that can be solved with the school alone.

@BrumToTheRescue Thanks so much for your response. I am speaking with SENCO this week and have spoken to DD’s early help worker.
He is going to try and get school to implement brain breaks.

He does think there is some ND traits present and will support getting evidence together. It’s odd school don’t connect our reports of her challenging behaviour with the anxiety she displays in school as it seems quite common for ND girls to present this way?

She misses regular Mondays and the odd day; I first approached CAMHS when she was 5 as she missed a whole week then (on top of other days). It’s been going on for years.

I almost feel we’ve lived like this so long we don’t realise what a typical 8 year old would be like and are used to the chaos and explosions.

That said I worked in SEND for years and know the system well. It’s very hard though when professionals tell you nothing is wrong as I’m quick to be self critical with our parenting and assume they are eye rolling that we’ve diagnosed from social media. But I’ve been sure for years.

I appreciate your response as it’s helped give me the confidence to push this. We’re lucky early help are actually being very helpful

This isn’t your parenting. Don’t let the school tell you that.

Glad the EH worker is helpful.

You should request an EHCNA. You may have to appeal, but with the needs you describe, DD meets the low threshold for a needs assessment.