Parent Counselling / Therapy

[SarahNeedsHelp]

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet. My son was recently diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. He masks at school, but behaviour is getting really bad at home and when we leave the house. Swearing and hand gestures and starting to get physical. He's nearly 10 and I have no control when he has an outburst. I'm looking for either a therapist or some kind of counseling to help me know what to do and cope when he's dysregulated. There seems to be loads of support for children but not a lot to help parents. I feel particularly useless and need a specialist to tell me what I can do to help us both. Any suggestions from past experience greatly appreciated.

Many find counselling helpful, but if you want support to know how to best support DS, counselling for you probably isn’t the best answer. Things like OT, SALT, clinical psychologist will be helpful.

Have you tried keeping a detailed diary to help spot triggers?

Masking at school and exploding at home is known as the coke bottle effect. It signifies there are unmet needs at school. If school was easier for DS, home life would improve too. With that in mind, what support is the school providing? Are they helping with emotional regulation? Do they have anyone who can support Zones of Regulation work? Does DS have an EHCP?

Do you have any sensory equipment at home? Some find that, trampolines and punch bags help with regulation.

Scope offer mentoring to parents whose DC have recently been diagnosed, but I’m not sure that is what you are looking for.

Some find The Explosive Child book helpful.

Thanks so much for the comments. Sorry but what's OT and SALT?

We're in the early stages of his EHCP. The school has been quite good to be fair but as always resources are limited. He's just started Zone Regulation lessons, gardening, and lego therapy. He massively struggles with his learning though. He has the reading age of 6 years old bless him.

I just have no idea if the bad language is always because he's dysregulated or if it's sometimes just to provoke a reaction - but is that also the ADHD? He has complete control and I feel particularly useless.

OT is occupational therapy and SALT is speech and language therapy.

Whereabouts in the EHCP process are you? Has the LA agreed to assess? Are they sticking to the statutory timescales?

Has DS started/is he starting ADHD medication?

How is his sleep and eating?

Hi, School is very difficult for my daughter - she suffers with anxiety, sensory seeking behaviour. She can have huge meltdowns once home because she masks. She used to be very violent with me but we have worked together and she has matured a lot. Seek out an Occupational Therapist who can offer Sensory Integration via your Local Authority - there may be a long wait, so if you can get a diagnosis via a private child OT that might help. {pricey} But it can help with dealing with school. Zones of regulation really help, try and work with him to work out how you are both feeling. You can do this daily, hourly, etc, it starts the conversation and will start to help him identity when he is calm and when he is more dysregulated. A velcro smiley face chart is great to identify emotions. Try PACE therapeutic parenting. Punishments for ‘bad’ behaviour will not work and are counter productive. Also, if you are constantly reprimanding and punishing him for ‘bad; behaviour you’re life together will be miserable. When he is out of control he will not know what he is doing. Only after, when he is calm, can you talk about hitting/biting etc. Maybe look at the situations he gets stressed in and reduce the activities you do, until you can both work together better at understanding his needs. The Great Behavior Breakdown by Bryan Post is a great book at understanding how a child feels and what they need when they are dysregulated. Unfortunately when you have a child who is different, school is not the greatest, no matter how great the SEN provision is, even with an EHCP. PACE parenting is the key. Good luck. It's exhausting.

Without an EHCP including such provision, SIOT isn’t available in many areas.

Thanks @MadameOunce it's definitely exhausting isn't.

His EHCP has been agreed for assessment. We're a month in. Just heard from them for a discussion with an educational psychologist with the school.

We had to go private in the end for his diagnosis and at the time medication was in short supply so they said they couldn't recommend it. At the time I didn't feel medication was needed, now I'm possibly leaning towards it.

Eating is very beige and the only fruit he'll eat is bananas. He actually eats quite a lot but not enough goodness.

I might have to look into occupational therapy perhaps. I now have a meeting myself with a therapist offering an online consultation for parent support which was recommended to me. I just need to speak to someone as feel so clueless.

The thing is I just don't know if it's always dysregulation or if some of it is being naughty. It is the need for attention though, which could be ADHD related. 😩

Try not to view it as naughty or wanting attention, he is doing his best but can’t communicate what he needs. All behaviour is communication. He needs connection with you when he is dysregulated. Things like 'time out' and naughty step don’t work for our kids. Try time in, making him laugh, being goofy. My daughter and I play connect 4, snakes and ladder, snap etc at meal times to keep connected and have less pressure at meal times which used to be very stressful. You sort of have to unlearn everything that you think is good parenting and focus at being connected. Yes, you can say hitting is not acceptable but only when he is calm. If our kids are constantly being told off, they feel shame and increasing feelings of low self worth and become more dysregulated. If you tell your son off, does he escalate ? My daughter does. She matches my tone and raises it! It just doesn’t work. Try to remain calm [i know easier said than done] and listen to what he needs, but also try to be firm in your boundaries too, it’s a very difficult balance to work out but you get there in the end. I feel for you.

Just to add, it feels counter intuitive to be permissive but I have seen HUGE improvements with my daughter’s behaviour and keeping to family rules. She still has big issues with school and continues with therapy but our relationship is strong so family life is much easier to cope with.

On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can send to the LA to request the LA seeks advice and information from OT, SALT, and clinical psychologist as part of the EHCNA.

If medication is something you want to discuss further, speak to the GP about an NHS referral to the ADHD service to look at medication. Or if you want to look privately you could, but if affording ongoing private prescriptions make sure the GP is willing to take on shared care once titrated.

Would DS take vitamin supplements?

I found NVR therapy the most useful. We used New Leaf NVR but people speak highly of Yvonne Newbold.

Local councils run a course called New Forest parenting for ADHD and the ASD one is Cygnet (at least, I think those are general courses not specific to my LA though I'm not sure). Never been able to do them as they're day time only in termtime and we're both teachers, but maybe you'll be more fortunate!

If you Google "your local authority name" and "local offer" that may help with leads. Check your local MIND and Mencap too (possibly Mencap are now Scope?)