Suicidal 8 year old - school aren’t getting the point

[Holly221288]

Hi,

I am posting on here as had some wonderful advice in the past and I really need some more.

My son is 8 and in a mainstream primary. He is diagnosed with ADHD, Dyspraxia, Speech disorder (this is now mild) and is on the pathway for Autism.

He has an extreme dislike of school. He masks significantly at school, to the point of being described as a model student. So as you can imagine home life is difficult. He will get so upset about going to school from around midday on Sunday and at each bedtime and morning. He will say that he would rather die than to, has told me he wants to jump out of windows and has tried to access things like knifes (he is obviously supervised at all times so the risk luckily isn't actually there).

He has before said to school that he feels sad all the time when he is there but feels like he has to pretend to be happy. However this week, he is now visibly showing school how unhappy he is and has also told them that he wants to kill himself.

I feel like he feels like this because his needs aren’t being met by school however they are saying it’s not his additional needs that are his barrier to learning but his mental health. I would like to point out he is like a different child in the school holidays so happy and content.

Where would you go from here? We are awaiting camhs and early help so that’s something. Would you agree that if his needs were being met then he wouldn’t feel this way? He regularly says to me that he just wants to be able to stand up and move or have a break from the classroom (this stuff has been asked for but is never properly facilitated). He also struggles to navigate friendships and there is no support with this either. For some idea of what I’m up against, the senco last said to me that they are educators and their remit is to support with learning and nothing beyond that.

Sorry for all the information and thank you in advance

they are saying it’s not his additional needs that are his barrier to learning but his mental health.

This makes no sense. MH difficulties like you describe are a form of additional needs in their own right. You can’t separate MH difficulties from other additional needs. They are interconnected. You can’t support one without considering the other.

Request another meeting with the SENCO. The SENCO is wrong about what their remit is.

Does DS have an EHCP? If not, request an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Do you think DS is well enough to attend school?

@BrumToTheRescue thank you for replying.

I think her poorly delivered point was in September it was his ADHD, masking etc that they were aware of but now she thinks it’s got nothing to do with these needs and it’s his mental health.

They have made it clear they won’t support with an EHCP as (their words) there are children with higher needs than my son who don’t have one (they did then list children by name 🙈).

I honestly don’t know if he’s well enough. My worrry is if I withdraw him then I will never get him back into school.

Thank you again

Request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. Unfortunately, some schools incorrectly tell parents their DC doesn’t need or won’t get an EHCP, but their parents go on to successfully make the request themselves. What other DC with additional needs have or don’t have is irrelevant. Don’t let the school put you off.

The SENCO is talking rubbish. You can’t consider DS’s ADHD and MH in isolation. They are intertwined. And regardless of the cause, DS needs more support that the school should be providing.

Don’t withdraw DS from school and deregister. Parents often find it easier, although not easy, to get support when DC remains in the system. Crudely, you are someone’s problem. If you deregister it is easier for others to sweep DS’s needs under the carpet. If DS isn’t well enough to attend school, the LA has a duty to ensure he still receives a suitable full-time education, but if you electively home educate the LA will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements thereby relieving them of their duty.

I am concerned DC is repeatedly describing wanting to kill himself and describing how he would do that. Has he been triaged by CAMHS? If not I would really push them to make an initial assessment, and in this, consider his support needs, and whether the ASD assessment needs to be fast-tracked? Sorry if you have already done this, but I would be phoning and writing to spell out the risks.

In a sane universe DC would be being assessed by a child psychologist or similar without delay. If that's not forthcoming because of waiting times, if funds permit, I'd find a private one locally recommended by SEND families. They may be able to help with immediate strategies to help keep DC safe, advise on school attendance, and potentially offer a view on needs to feed into wider discussions (and EHC assessment process).

@BrumToTheRescue thank you.

@Proserphina we have been given an urgent Camhs appointment for the end of July 🙈 I will look into a child psychologist.

Is DS on ADHD medication?

@BrumToTheRescue no he isn’t

My son at 8 was having huge meltdowns, banging his head against the walls and floors for hours on end and telling us he wanted to die, sometimes triggered by something as routine as being asked to brush his teeth. School said they could refer to CAMHs but there wasn't really any point and offered one session with a ELSA. GP said they thought the behaviour was completely age appropriate and sent me a leaflet. We were very lucky in that just as things looked hopeless covid hit and forced a long break from school. Ds went back to school after covid, with a diagnosis of SpLDs, he probably also has ADHD and has autistic traits as well. He hates school now (at secondary) but gets though it. If your son needs a break then take him out of school. Not necessarily deregister but take him out for days and give him a break when he needs it, tell school its to manage his mental health as they are unable to offer any support with this. They may actually be more helpful if he starts missing a significant amount of time at achool as it will impact their attendance figures.

The things that helped my son end of primary - teachers gave him jobs regularly. YEAR 4 -5 he spent a lot of time collecting photocopying and was very happy about this as he had been trusted with the teacher code! This was an informal way to give movement breaks. He also delivered things around the school way more than was probably necessary. In year 6 he would help set up classrooms, equipment etc. He also got a laptop for extended writing as his Dyspraxia means very poor hand writing and this hugely impacted his self esteem, especially in upper primary when they are so focused on handwriting to meet the SATs criteria. I also gave up any attempt at making him do homework or reading or anything at home. School stays at school. There certainly are things they can do to support his mental health and they don't always require any more resourcing.

Is medication something you would consider?

@BrumToTheRescue I’m definitely not against medication. It’s not something that has been discussed.

I’ve kept him off school today as I just couldn’t put him through another day of it. Can’t been explain the difference in him

If ADHD medication is something you want to explore further and DS isn’t already under whoever manages ADHD locally (sometimes this is CAMHS, sometimes paeds and sometimes a standalone neurodevelopmental team) ask the GP for a referral. If he is already under the ADHD service, speak to them about it.

Not attending school is the right decision, I think. I don’t think DS is well enough.

Hi all,

Thanks for all of the advice.

My son has had some days off school but is still attending for the most part (still extreme school refusal).

School made a referral for Early Help and they have rejected it, they have just sent some links to mental health websites 🙈

I asked school for my son to be discussed at the termly Springboard meeting or for someone to come in and observe him and they said his additional needs don’t meet the threshold for this. And sent me a long email about their concerns for his mental health, how that is their only concern etc.

What they are really not understanding is his poor mental health has only occurred this school year, I presume cause his needs are not being met. He has never liked school however last year made significant progress cause his needs were being met. At the weekends, school holidays etc he is happy and contended so it’s definitely a school issue.

I haven’t applied for an EHCP as it seems futile when school will block me at every point as they genuinely don’t see his additional needs as being a problem.

Does anyone have any advice for making school see it’s unmet needs?

School can't block an EHC needs assessment, OP, but obviously, if applying for one, you will need to demonstrate that the threshold for assessment is met (see IPSEA website for details of the two test). The bar is not set that high. The assessment process itself will further document need.

Request an EHCNA. You don’t need the school to agree or support you. You may have to appeal but you can get an EHCNA even if the school doesn’t see the difficulties or if they could do more, but won’t.

As @Proserphina posted, the threshold for an EHCNA is relatively low - a) has or may have SEN, and b) may need SEN provision to be made via an EHCP.