Mortified by sons behaviour at school

[northernmamax]

DS is 5 turning 6 in December. Pathway for ASD/ADHD and attends a SEN base within a mainstream school.

He has always displayed aggressive behaviour and we cannot seem to get him to grasp that we DO NOT do this! We have tried everything!!

I am so mortified at a call I received from his teacher today that he has been targeting a girl in his class, pulling out her hearing aids and taking her glasses, pulling bobbles out her hair. When asked why, he said he likes it when she cries!!!!!

I have sobbed all day thinking about that poor little girl and how this is the child that I am raising. I don't know what else I can do to get him to understand this is not what we to do others, especially girls. I am worried about his future if this behaviour continues!!

He is very much verbal but just seems like nothing sinks into his head when we try and explain these things and it's just getting worse. I am worried for the kids around him and for my son as he is only getting bigger and stronger and I feel at a total loss. I feel like I am failing as a parent.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar and can give me some advice on how to deal with this. I am so angry and disappointed but also feel so so sad for him and the other child. I am honestly mortified.

I also feel horribly embarrassed when my DS displays challenging behaviours. But that's my feeling to deal with, and it doesn't actually help my DS.

I would ask the school what they are doing to track and prevent the behaviour. I find it odd that in a small SEN base he was able to do all of that to one child without intervention by a staff member. Are they doing ABC forms to try to find what triggers the behaviour?

When he says, he likes it when she cries, it may not mean that he likes to upset her. It might also be that her crying fulfils a sensory need, or that it's an emotion he can understand.

Asking him why he's behaved like that right after might not actually be helpful. He might not know. Or it might make him anxious to be questioned.

Does he have an EHCP? Is he getting sensory support and emotional literacy support?

Yes my thought train is very much the same as yours and I do worry I may have handled it wrong not managing my own emotions surrounding it when I spoke to him about it, I didn't shout or lose my temper I just gave him quite a stern talking to as I just felt so awful for that little girl.

I am going to ring the SENCO tomorrow to arrange a meeting as this is the second time in about 3 weeks he's displayed this behaviour to two different children, he does have an EHCP and it is up to date, we only just had his review on it a few months back and as far as I'm aware he is receiving all the support he needs but they do struggle to get him to engage in many adult led activities or conversations.

I suppose I'm just struggling with how to approach the situation with him when it's as serious as this. I've asked him if he can try and practice kindness tomorrow and apologise to this girl and he has said he will.

He's asleep now and I'm currently sat with awful mum guilt

I agree with @BusMumsHoliday. The school needs to provide closer supervision. Does DS have 1:1? Have they looked at triggers? Liking it when the girl cries could be sensory related, but it could also be liking the attention he gets when he makes someone cry or that the girl does something that triggers DS (not victim blaming here, rather understanding the reasons will help reduce/prevent further incidents and sometimes pupils trigger each other e.g. some pupils can find other pupils talking a lot, making noise or being bouncy difficult). Is DS receiving therapies as part of his EHCP?

Don't beat yourself up. I don't necessarily think it's bad for DCs to know this type of behaviour upsets parents, and certainly they can know it's not acceptable. But it's also easy to get stuck in cycles where, as @BrumToTheRescue says, the behaviour becomes a means to attention.

If it's been a sudden increase, it might also be worth asking if anything has changed in the classroom.

He doesn't officially have a 1:1 at the base but the base has about 8 children and around 5 staff members, but he tends to latch onto this one teacher who as far as I'm aware, never leaves her side.

The teacher explained they have tried separating him and the other child but he's been actively seeking her out in any situation and they are both on the same transport home together which is tricky too.

He's not receiving any therapies, he was under SALT for a while but nothing behaviour wise. I have emailed the SENCO to arrange a meeting as I want to know what they can do to make this better for him, his days at school are getting worse rather than better. He flourished there at first but now he just doesn't engage, comes home upset, attacking other pupils. He hasn't engaged in any of the curriculum for months. Gone back over on himself in regard to toilet training (he's still in nappies) and then the behaviours are transferring to home as well where he's usually quite settled.

Do you guys have any advice of what I should be asking the school for? I feel totally out of my depth, I usually know what I'm doing but this has rocked me a little. Thanks for your advice so far

Transport wise, you and the school should request the LA reviews the transport arrangements.

I think you need an early review, which you can request from the LA. IPSEA has a model letter you can use. Do you think the placement is the right one for DS? It doesn’t sound like they are meeting his needs. Can he communicate why he is upset and why he can’t engage? DS needs closer supervision and therapies (SALT, OT and maybe something like play therapy). Are they providing any emotional literacy support, do they use anything like Zones of Regulation? Ask the school if they have kept a detailed diary to spot triggers/completed ABC chart.

With closer supervision, staff will be able to step in and divert DS before he can pull the girl’s hearing aids out, glasses off and bobbles out.