I think my nephew has SEN

[mrsmiserable]

I think my 3 1/2 year old nephew is ND. He has very rigid thinking, likes routine a bit too much, hyperactive, extremely picky eater; bossy and aggressive. Tip-toe walking, loving sensory play and plays in the sink with water 3-4 times a day. Chatty but fails back and forth speech sometimes. My brother says "he answers back if he wants to" he plays in the playground 2 hours a day and likes other kids, can share but very rigid and bossy. Speaks in 3 different languages, sometimes chatters about 10-15 minutes but still more of a monologue. They live in a developing country and financially struggling since covid. I am almost sure about him being on the spectrum. I haven't got courage to tell them he may have autism as their understanding of autism is limited. My son is diagnosed with asd/adhd and I think my brother is ND too. When I say he needs to be seen by a paediatrician all family says "oh no he is just like his dad, he will be fine". His dad struggled at school also was labelled "naughty, lazy, difficult, selfish".I am really sorry for the little one as he doesn't get the help he needs and labelled naughty and stubborn this early in life. I give them all the advice I can and parents follow my advice which is great but he needs professional support. I am just so sad and don't know how to help him. He is bright. I suggested to pay for part-time nursery so he will start nursery soon. What would you do?

You have raised the matter, I don’t think you can or should do anything else, you can’t force them to see a paed and it isn’t your place to keep pressuring them. It isn’t unusual for multilingual DC to be behind initially in their speech and sometimes interaction so the lack of back and forth conversation could well be due to that.

Can you share info about ASD with them from time to time, with a guise of focusing on your own DS? Just in an effort to educate them about ASD . . . and hope the penny drops eventually, or at least, they will be far more knowledgeable (and perhaps less resistant / frightened) when someone raises ASD explicitly with them, whether about your nephew or brother. Sounds like it would be useful to raise with them the large number of parents these days getting disgnosed only after their child?

Is there actually any support for children with ASD in the country he is being raised in?

There is an asd specialist school where they live and they also provide speech therapy and ot sessions. I don't think there is any support other than that. They have been struggling with giving him a bath, cutting nails and hair, brushing teeth, feeding, sleeping, toilet training. He holds his stool constantly constipated. His front teeth are black now. I keep telling them it would be good to get him checked by a paediatrician and he may be benefit seeing an OT. I gave them some links about sensory processing difficulties and how to help their son with his struggles yesterday. I said "don't fixate on autism bit just focus on sensory issues. I am not suggesting autism just saying he has sensory issues".They got offended because the link says it's common with ND children. My brother says he doesn't have asd and he is very smart and they are very sorry my son has asd but theirs is so so smart speaking in 3 languages he can't have asd. I was about to say he has no eye contact but bit my tongue. I will just pay for the nursery and will keep my mouth shut forever.

It sounds like the issue is that ND is deemed to be shameful. Maybe your starting point needs to be opening their eyes to the strengths of ND people, and the accomplishments of famous ND people, they then may be able to accept help for the things your nephew struggles with.

ND in your nephew may be particularly painful for your brother to accept if he has struggled to conform to social norms and meet expectations all his life and has constantly been belittled for his perceived inadequacies.

I wouldn't "keep my mouth shut", but just focus on their problematic attitude to ASD and lack of understanding, which may be unhelpful for your son - their nephew - too. People with ASD think and communicate and perceive the world differently, but have both strengths and weaknesses relative to NT people. In some cases, they're excellent at language learning and can speak many languages!!! But I thinkbyou know that . . .