Threatening to kill themselves because I said no iPad

[Garlicnaan]

My 8yo DS hit his brother today, really hard for little reason. I kneejerk said right, no iPad for you today as that's totally unacceptable. We don't usually give iPad related or non logical consequences TBH and I hasn't agreed that would be the punishment ahead of this time.

Anyway I'd said it, so there wasn't really any going back. He can't keep hitting his brother who is traumatized by him, frankly, even though he isn't very kind either.

Anyway this resulted in a huge meltdown lasting about 2 hours and more with him threatening to kill himself, taking knives and scissors out the drawer and threatening to cut his neck, trying to strangle himself etc if we didn't let him have iPad.

I started calm throughout, said to him that he must be feeling really upset about it to do these things, DH and I offered listening and cuddles but I stuck to my guns on the consequence because I don't want him to think the way out of something is to threaten to hurt himself. This isn't the first time he's made this threat.

I'm not sure where to go from here. He's definitely neurodivergent and really struggles with emotional regulation. Would appreciate some advice.

Would say this requires discussion with the GP, especially given it has been mentioned on more than one occasion.

Is DC on an assessment pathway?

Whilst removing tech can be about the only sanction that has a significant impact, if DC uses tech to regulate, it may be a much larger and more punitive experience than you realise and feel very scary to DC.

You also need to consider whether DC has the developmental capacity to control their behaviour at the moment and is making poor choices, or whether this occurred during a meltdown when part of their brain function was likely to have been shut down? If the latter, this does not mean stopping reinforcing verbal messages about being a family who don't hurt each other, nor does it mean stopping identifying the natural consequences following incidents, to support learning, for example, because you have had to spend time comforting DC 2, you are no longer available to do the planned thing with DC1. But beyond this, you do need to ask yourself the point of punishing a child for something they can't control yet?

If you do need to withdraw tech, make it for a briefer period?

I second @CasadeCoca’s post.

Has DS been referred for assessment? Is he receiving any support at the moment? In the meantime, you should lock away knives/scissors etc.

You say DS’s brother isn’t very kind, is he receiving any support?

Have you tried to keep a detailed diary to spot triggers?

Thanks. He can't control his emotions well and was dysregulated at the time, and I know that although has been a lot better about hitting like that recently. He was upset and angry at something his big brother did (run away from him) which is why he lashed out. His brother is the main trigger, itd say 80% of the time.

I don't usually punish like this as I know it's unhelpful and unfair but I'm honestly at the end of my tether. His 11yo brother is not coping well with living with a sibling who hits him and screams/ melts down all the time, even though quite often him winding him up is the trigger! His mental health is really suffering and he has his own stuff to deal with on top. What can I do about that except effectively try to have separate lives in the same, not very big, house? Nether child has many friends and we have no family to help so we inevitably spend a lot of time together.

DS 8's trigger otherwise is basically whenever he doesn't get his way. And he hates school. Anything that is super overstimulating doesn't help either.

He has dx of ASD, but I think it may actually be trauma related as he doesn't present typically and I had a difficult pregnancy and VERY difficult first few years with him during which I had some v poor mental health due to chronic sleep deprivation, making it hard for me to be a good parent. (Basically, he didn't sleep for 3 years and screamed most of the day.) I know they can look similar.

I've gone to the GP and SENCo, they both said basically this is what autistic children say sometimes.

School offered cbt but for complex reasons we turned it down. No further help.

I don't know what help I can access for his brother. We got some private counseling but it was expensive and didn't deal with HIS trigger which is his brother too!

Because DS doesn't show any of this dysregulation at school, it's been v v difficult for us to get help. Not that it's widely available anyway.

On top of this, DH is on the verge of an breakdown due to the stress of living like this.

I just don't know what to do any more.

We work so hard to stay calm when he's dysregulated, we do special time with them one on one, we took them both to a special service with experts to understand their needs better, we are doing parenting courses to try to work out how we can support them both, we are fighting to get them support at school as they're both struggling academically (dyslexia), plus we both work full time in stressful jobs and have no respite. On the typical day, DS spends several hours every day in a state of dysregulation.

I would request a referral to CAMHS. ASD or not DS needs more support. Trauma may well be on top of ASD.

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and DH and an assessment via the disabled children’s team for DS (potentially both DS’s depending on DS1’s difficulties).

For DS’s brother, have you spoken to your local young carers service? Sibs can also be helpful.

For DS, what support is the school providing? Do they offer any emotional literacy interventions, Zones of Regulation or similar? Does DS have an EHCP? If not, you should request an EHCNA. If DS already has an EHCP you should request an early review. There is more support available via an EHCP, but you will need to drive that process.

Do DS’s have a room each or do they share? If the latter have you looked at a DFG?

Some do find one parent needs to so something with one child while the other does something separately with the other so they aren’t triggering each other.

Thank you - have been told we don't meet CAMHS threshold and school won't support an EHCP assessment... But thinking of applying for one myself.

I don't know re social care if it's relevant to us given his needs? I haven't applied however. What would the potential outcome / benefit be? We don't claim DLA, I'm not sure if that makes any difference? I'm nervous as a friend applied and nearly had her DC taken off her.

I've heard of young carers but not sure what they have to offer locally except social groups, which I'm not sure my older DS would engage with. I'll look into it though.

On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use to request an EHCNA. You don’t need the school’s support.

Contact has model letters on their website that you can use to request social care assessments. Yes, it is relevant to your situation. It could result in more support, including respite &/or support in the home. The children with disabilities team is not the same team as the safeguarding team. Not claiming DLA doesn’t prevent you requesting social care assessments, but you should apply. Cerebra has a helpful guide you can use when completing the DLA forms.

Some young carer services offer 1:1 support where needed, you could ask if they provide that.

Thank you, I appreciate it. I'll get the wheels in motion.