Parents constantly telling me my daughter is Autistic.

[Muddlethroughmam]

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for but here goes. I will also apologise re any incorrect terminology that I use. I mean absolutely no offence.

My daughter is 4 years old, She's incredibly intelligent, She's developing well, met all of her milestones up until now. I have never had any concerns.

For the last 2 years my parents have been constantly telling me that my daughter is autistic and I need to get her 'Tested'

My little one has a fantastic imagination, can make up games and stories and play for hours... But only on her terms. For example if you made a teddy speak she would say don't be silly. Teddy isn't real he can't speak and become quite upset. But if she does it it's okay she's just pretending - Parents think things like this are a huge issue.

She is very very sociable, She loves interacting with adults and children. But she knows no boundaries, She is quite overbearing and other children do not want to play with her. It breaks her heart and it absolutely kills me inside to see her rejected constantly. She just does not understand boundaries.

She gets very anxious very easily, if someone leaves then she is hysterical, she thinks they're leaving forever and that she'll never have another friend/interaction like it. I put her anxiety down to me and her dad separating and her routine being entirely changed. She has had a lot to cope with.

She has the biggest meltdowns, She hyperventilates and panics and is sick with these. She goes from 0-100, it is pure panic over minor minor things.

I asked her childcare providers about it and they laughed and said absolutely not.

I don't know if any of these are signs or traits, I have 3 siblings with varying levels of additional needs and I haven't ever thought with my daughter that she exhibits signs, I wouldn't even mind if she was on the spectrum but I would like to give her as much support as possible if she is. Maybe she is just 4! And this is typical for 4 year olds!
My parents constantly stating that she absolutely has autism does upset me, but they're absolutely convinced and are pushing me so hard on it.

I have 3 asd girls and this is my eldest to a t she's 16 now and still very social able and academic. My eldest is also diagnosed adhd also. I'm not saying your daughter is or isn't but asd in girls presents very very differently to boys. If you have any concerns it is always helpful to at least assess early to get any necessary support or just to rule it out so you can move on.

I think your parents are way toooo pushy and over bearing. It's your child you decide what is right for your child or not. I'd make this firm otherwise they will drive you crazy especially around schools / ehcps if you ever needed to go down that path. As they can be stressful.

She only so little enjoy your little one ❤️ if you don't want her tested then don't and get everything done when it's ready for you and your girl. However there is huge waitlists on the nhs so bear that in mind.

Personally if you're happy I'd see how she goes in school. Dont be pushed by your parents it's now your turn to parent your girl.

I'd be letting your parents know less and less if I was you. You decide what's right for your little girl.

Thank you for your input, There are little things niggling in my mind, She has an appointment next week with her HV so I'll mention it then and see what she says.

Your parents are overstepping to be constantly pushing this. However, I think there is enough in your posts to warrant further investigation, but they shouldn’t be constantly on at you about it. Childcare providers not recognising the signs isn’t uncommon so I wouldn’t let that put you off if you do want to pursue an assessment.

Thank you, I'm going to speak to HV, I really worry about her not coping at Pre School so some help now might be beneficial. I just want to support her as much as possible as it's awful watching her struggle where she does.

Preschools and nurseries won’t necessarily see autism in cases where it is less obvious and in girls in particular so I wouldn’t put much weight on their opinion.

If someone who is quite close to her is seeing patterns of behaviour that they suspect is autism there is probably something in that. If that person has experience of autism I would be more inclined to listen to them.

If you have a girl with less obvious or atypical autism you may well have to be quite tenacious and certain of what you want if you wish to have her assessed. Going in with slight concerns rather than being reasonably certain may result in you getting turned away. Then you are left with waiting until everything falls apart.

Assessment at 4 years when a child doesn’t really understand the concept of having additional needs is often a lot easier than, say, 9 years old when they can be very aware and quite conscious of not wanting to appear different. Growing up pretty much always knowing you have autism can be easier than it being revealed at some point, especially if they’ve been exposed to other autistic children who they really don’t identify with ie children that are disruptive.

And we had one set of parents who were forever going on about differences in our child and blaming how we were parenting and being pushy about our child be assessed (not necessarily for autism, they hadn’t worked out that that was the issue) and another set who were so dismissive of the differences I saw, and forever saying they’d learn things in their own time. I think grandparents might possibly be doomed to always be in the wrong as I found both excruciating!

This is quite thought provoking, thank you.

So I don't mean to sound dim but would it be the HV that I speak to about an assessment? I've never done anything like this before, She's my first child and we've had no involvement from HV etc as she was born in COVID and there's just never been any reviews etc since.

It will depend on how things operate in your area. There are also possibly several routes in in each area. In mine the HV couldn’t do anything, I don’t think. You could either go via a SALT (speech and language) drop in clinic or go to the GP who would refer to a paediatrician who I think then referred to the developmental team. In some places it is CAMHS (mental health) GPs refer to. Once you are in school, but possibly only in severe cases and with your agreement, they might also be able to refer you in to the system in some areas.

Your GP is probably your best bet, but there is no harm talking through your concerns with the HV. Mine certainly encouraged me to seek out SALT support, even though there was no language delay.