Morning routines are driving me insane :(

[Twolittleloves]

DD is just turned 7.
In the process of ASD/ADHD assessment.Does have some learning/concentration difficulties at school, but no behavioural difficulties in terms of challenging behaviours, although we do have this at home (She says she behaves well at school because if she doesn't she will have to go to the headteachers office, so is fearful of her telling her off)

Mornings are just shit.Always have been since she started reception.
Some days I have to rush off to work and get youngest to the childminder too which is very stressful.
I am nearly always late getting her into school, although rarely so late that it is classed as that, IYSWIM.
Rarely walk anymore which is a shame (used to more, but it was often incredibly stressful as I was doing what i call the 'walk of shame' rushing along with her dragging her heels behind me, nagging her to hurry up whilst the other mums casually walked past me on their way back from dropping their kids off.It made me feel like they must think im disorganised or lazy getting up too late or something)
I get up at about 7, then wake DD at 7.30 (unless she has had an especially late night in which case it may have to be 7.45-8 so she can cope) I try to make sure she has 10hrs but she is never asleep before 9pm...often 9.15-9.30 but sometimes more like 10ish.
It has been this way since reception 😭
So its not like i can get her up really early.

But this morning she had over an hour between getting up and us needing to be out the door but it was still hellish...she took nearly an hour to even get dressed as nothing was working- asking nicely, nagging, leaving her to do it herself, reminding her repeatedly, shouting at her....i feel so deflated and drained by it all :( I just don't know how to stop her getting distracted by every little thing.Its hard as I have 2yo and myself to get ready aswell, and breakfast to make, so I can't literally be with her the whole time.And I can't get her up any earlier than 7.30 really with her going to bed so late as I worry she will be overtired which will probably make school harder for her, esepcisly on the longer days where i have work and she is at the after school club til 5pm.🤷‍♀️

Luckily school is only 5 mins around the corner, but this also makes me feel rubbish when I know parents from much further away get their kids in on time, as do those with more kids than me! I've asked other parents and they say their children of her age are fairly self reliant getting themselves ready, so I do feel it must be a SEN thing?

She has had an initial ASD/ADHD assessment but is awaiting school one.
From the first appt they concluded possibly ASD but only mild if so.
They didn't think ADHD apparently but I'm not sure they are correct in this.....she is so so distractable (today she wouldn't stop looking out the window at lawn mowers cutting the grass however many times i asked her to stop and get ready) she seemingly forgets instructions straight after us telling her them, is continuously taking/interuppting, always talking loudly (for example, if in a shop, the other customers couldn't not know she was there) she can be very lively and hyperactive, more so after sweet things which we try to limit somewhat.
They just didn't properly see that side of her at the clinic as she was quiet because she was shy and anxious, but was still fidgety and as I couldn't concentrate on the questions being asked DH had to take her out for most of the appt so they barely saw her.
I thought they would do tests with her or something, ask her more questions herself.Thinking of going private now.
School have also mentioned possible dyslexia but say its hard to know until ADHD/ASD diagnosis is or isn't made.

How do I make these mornings easier?!
Whatever the outcome of diagnosis etc things still need to change.
We use a plastic routine chart with tasks written on and she can push the buttons along to a tick once complete.She likes this but often forgets to focus on it once distracted.

Bedtimes and morning routines are both so stressful for all of us and she has started saying things like she feels like we don't want her or don't love her when we get cross which I hate hearing :( I can see why she says that, but after asking patiently and politely multiple times, it's hard for us not to end up raising our voices in frustration.We do try to always offer comfort once we feel calm enough and always apologise after.

Husband and I both had parents who were quite heavy on the discipline.We really didn't want to recreate that approach and we would never ever smack her like we were, but we do shout alot nowadays... it's so hard not to when we are continuously feeling triggered and angry by her behaviours.

Doesn't help that she sees 2yo getting a different approach and response from us (which she got at that age too but obviously doesn't remember, so thinks we are being kinder to her sister and feels resentful of that)

Any advice much appreciated...I feel like our constant conflicts and nagging is starting to chip away at her self esteem, emotional wellbeing now and I'm hating that, but unless things feel easier I don't see how we can stop getting so cross and frustrated with her....our patience is thoroughly shot :(

Appearing to manage at school, but exploding at home isn’t unusual. It is known as the coke bottle effect and signifies unmet needs at school.

It seems some of the morning difficulties actually stem from difficulty sleeping. If you could improve the sleep, it would help in the morning. With that in mind, does DD take anything to help with sleep?

she took nearly an hour to even get dressed as nothing was working- asking nicely, nagging, leaving her to do it herself, reminding her repeatedly, shouting at her

What about physically helping DD dress? I know you say you can’t physically be with her, but it sounds like this is what is needed. Can you have you and DC2 ready and breakfast laid out before waking DD? Is DH around to help in the mornings? He could help one, you the other. DD’s behaviour is a result of her additional needs, feeling angry, shouting, punishments won’t help.

There’s no such thing as mild autism. In order to be diagnosed, one must have difficulties which limit and impair everyday functioning. Nothing that limits and impairs everyday functioning is mild.

My son is younger but the only thing that works is getting ourselves up and ready before him, and keeping a strict routine. It's still 75-90 minutes between wake up and out the door, but that builds in time for a sensory circuit and some play time.

We also plan the routine to reduce transitions eg do everything you need to do upstairs before coming down to breakfast, straight from downstairs to the breakfast table. And everyone else is ready to leave before the ASD child so they can be physically helped if needed then right out the door. And DH and I divide and conquer the two kids, which I appreciate not everyone can do.

Some children find timers useful and they can be a good way to stop the parental nagging because the timer sets the limit. You can get ones where kids can see the colour decreasing to see time passing.

If ours have had breakfast, dressed, teeth brushed, shoes on, coat on, they get 10 mins on their iPad before school. It’s the carrot that tempts them enough to comply with getting ready and not faffing. Most mornings we have to support to get dressed etc, but some iPad time really appeals and they do get ready that way. It’s not ideal, I know, but it means we have a relatively calm morning.

Yes- I definitely think she is tired and that doesn't help the sleeping.
We have tried speaking to the doctors re; her sleeping but still awaiting follow up.
We may end up considering melatonin if they will give it to us, but have heard it can only be prescribed by a paediatrician.
I could probably try to get myself and 2yo ready before getting 7yo up, then I can focus more on getting her ready whilst 2yo watches TV downstairs (if they are both upstairs it distracts 7yo) then take her down and give them both breakfast.
I have also thought about using a visual timetable with pictures to make it clearer.

Unfortunately my husband has to leave for work at 7.30am, so all the morning routines are on me.

Thanks- I used to try allowing her some playtime beforehand if she was up early, incase that helped 'get it out her system' but it was hard for her to stop and get ready.

My DH has to go to work at 7.30am so is unfortunately not here to help.

Timers are a good idea- we have a little 2min sand one but need a bigger one really, or could maybe use the kitchen timer as she responds well for that with turn taking.

She has an incentive that if she gets ready by the time the clock gets to the top she can have a marble in her reward jar and time for TV programmes....sometimes this works but not much recently.
I think this week has been even worse due to transitioning back into the routine after the easter holidays.
She keeps asking for an ipad so maybe i should relent and get her one if that would work to encourage her to get ready! 😂

I used to get DD dressed downstairs when she was in infants.
So down for breakfast, then teeth downstairs, then dressed, then reading.
You need to keep her contained in one place with everything to hand.

For medication to aid sleep, if you are on a long waiting list for paeds, you could request a referral to a sleep clinic. There will still be a waiting list, but in some areas it is shorter than the paeds list.