Autistic daughter hurting my toddler HELP

[Whattodo12345help]

I'm totally at my wits end and I need some guidance please 😭

I have a daughter who will be 4 in May who has autism, and another daughter who is 19 months old. My almost 4yo has taken to bullying my baby in recent weeks, a lot of pushing and kicking and hitting.

I absolutely don't know what to do, I can't separate them because it's just me at home alone with them all day and they're both too young to be unsupervised. My 3yo smiles while she pushes her sister over, or runs and kicks her and I just had them both with me in my daughters room while I was getting them both dressed and my daughter ran and pushed the little one into the end of the bed.

little one did that breathe holding cry and I really lost my cool and shouted loudly at my 3yo. I'm not proud of my reaction as I picked my little one up, took her to my room and slammed 3yo's door. I then phoned OH and sobbed. What on earth do you do in this situation. 2 children that need you constantly and 1 is hellbent on hurting the other. 😭😭

not to mention the fact my house is falling apart because I can't take my eyes off them for a second to clean it, trying to do it here and there but then an incident happens. I'm totally at the end of the line, my mental health is plummeting

Update. I just went to talk
to her and we had a lovely calm
chat about being kind to baby, and she had a little baby doll and she was cuddling it and kissing it, she dosnt talk much but she snuggled the baby and patted its head and said baby sister. And then I stood up to talk to my son who was in his room and she bit me on the stomach. I'm absolutely at a loss here

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's incredibly hard and you're trying your best so don't be too hard on yourself for losing your temper. With the same age gap I found the older baby/younger toddler stage the absolute worst for my older child - I found dealing with her aggression to the younger child really challenging. We had some similar low points.

Things that did help (over time, not quick fixes) included:

• Making space for negative feelings. So lots of cuddles and chats about how things are HARD with a younger sibling. "When I was a little girl I sometimes wished XYZ..." If she feels like it's ok to acknowledge the bad it will be easier to feel the good stuff too.
• One on one / special time - we still need this at 10 + almost 8. Also sometimes saying "oh Baby, I can;t do X right now because 4yo needs me".
• Praise the positive all the time (I found this really hard) and trying to assume the best of the negative eg "oh dear you nearly hit the baby, I'm sure that was an accident, let's move the bricks away"
• Big show of how much the little one loves and admires the big one. Photos of "remember the day you met look how much the baby loved you right away and how kind you were".

Also - lots of repair. Sounds like you're doing this already. Hang in there and it will imprvove over time.

Can you reframe how you are viewing this? DD1 isn’t bullying DD2. She is an overwhelmed, dysregulated autistic 3 year old.

Do you have a play pen or room divider? You can then all be in the same room but DD1 and DD2 can have some space from each other.

Have you tried keeping a detailed diary to spot triggers? For example, it is sensory related? If so, some of the activities in this booklet may help.

Is DD1 receiving any support? Does she attend nursery?

Are you receiving any support? Have you contacted HomeStart to see if they can support you? If DD was diagnosed within the last year Scope offering mentoring to parents.

Yes you're totally right, I do need to rephrase and rethink the wording, she's not bullying her but in the moment it feels that way. It's hard not to be emotionally charged in those moments. I love both my girls endlessly and when 1 is hurting the other I don't want to be harsh on my 3yo but equally I can't allow the behaviour to continue.

Im currently creating a sensory room
for DD1 under the stairs I'm hoping that it will be a safe space for her when she's feeling overwhelmed which I'm hoping will help, it's nearly finished I'm just feeling very out of control with the situation and very overwhelmed. Where she bit mw earlier is below my belly button where I usually have very little sensation after 2 c-sections. That bite made me drop to my knees and sob. It was some bite. I can't allow her to do that to other children at home or at nursery.

If DD attends nursery, does she have an EHCP? What support is she receiving? Does she have SALT and OT support?

Obviously the situation can’t go on as it is. I didn’t mean you allow it to continue. I meant reframing how you think about it will help going forward. For example, with bullying, you would look at punishment, but that isn’t appropriate and won’t help in this situation so a different approach is needed.

To add to your sensory area, New Life offer play therapy pods you can loan with sensory toys in. Do you have space for an indoor mini trampoline?

Yes we have a play room, we do have a trampoline in the garden and it's just about garden weather thankfully I think that'll help I think a lot of stems from boredom.

the sensory room I've painted entirely dark dark blue, I'm going to paint glow in the dark stars on the slanted ceiling, I have a fish light, and I'm making a sequin wall with proper sensory sequin fabric I've bought, then lots of cushions, one of those infinity mirrors and a lovely big plush blanket. I'm hoping when she needs it she can go in there and relax