Do we ask for ASD/ADHD assessment

[Latercrocodile]

Myself and partner are wondering whether to ask his DD (My step) whether she thinks she needs an assessment.
We are waiting for DH to have an assessment for ADHD which he very clearly has.
DSD is 12, struggling with anxiety, seeing a counsellor in school which I arranged. She constantly sensory seeks, will always have putty, a yoyo or some sort of fidget with her. Doesn't like people looking at her or too much eye contact with others, feels uncomfortable. Academically average and doing well, struggles with school as other children misbehaving distracts her and she gets frustrated. Has said she feels sad every day and doesn't know how to feel happy. I seem to remeber her saying she struggles to turn her brain off. Doesn't have many friends really, a few close ones. Would rather engage with them via message/online, doesn't ever really meet with friends apart from recently started going to local youth club with a small group of friends. Plays with local younger kids (at her mums house), still quite young for 12. Seems uncomfortable and anxious in herself.
Covid had a massive impact on her but she always had small friendship groups in primary and limited interests.

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Typical preteen?

Yes, DP/DSD’s mum requesting a referral would be a good idea, I think. Has DP spoken to DSD’s DM and school?

DP and I have spoken to a teacher that was her year head last year about our concerns. She seems to be one that flies under the radar as she doesn't bother anyone, always described as a lovely kid and teachers wish they could have a class of her!
Relationship with DSD's DM is difficult and I think she would say we are being ridiculous if we suggested any sort of diagnosis. She doesn't always do what's best for her DD unfortunately.
I will try have a little chat to DSD this week around how she feels but don't want to suggest a diagnosis as don't want her to feel labelled or that something is wrong with her. It's such a tough line to walk!

DP should speak to the SENCO.

A diagnosis isn’t a ‘label’. Undiagnosed DC are just as likely to be labelled with words that have negative connotations e.g. weird, difficult.

I have adhd. My son has recently been diagnosed privately at age 8 as having ADHD and autism. Wanting to be social but having challenges in this area/ finding some of it overwhelming can happen with ADHD and autism together. I have a busy brain and so does he.

Re talking about getting an assessment - my view is that if you have ADHD or autism you likely know you're different. How I approached taking to my DS about getting an assessment for ADHD/autism was to ask him questions about his experience, explain my ADHD brain - particularly where we had shared experience and suggest it might be helpful to understand more about how his brain works. I.e. get an assessment.

My son took diagnosis very well. And has seemed slightly more confident since. They were able to talk to him about his strengths and areas where he may find things harder/ need support. I think he knew the areas he found harder already.

It really isn't a label. Knowing that your brain is different and not wrong and that there are other people like you in this world, and that there is hope to find ways to live happily and achieve your potential is the ultimate goal I think.

Please don't get me wrong about labels, it's more about her own view of herself and her insecurities and that she may see herself with a label as a bad thing. I do think she needs an assessment as understanding herself a little might help.
Thanks for replies 😀

I think if you link the wanting to help with the underlying sadness and anxiety and get to route and maybe there's a chance she has ADHD and we could check it out? Maybe that approach may be gentler if you're looking for a way to tread carefully in planting the idea with her? But def sounds like she needs something. My 11 year old has adhd and anxiety and has had periods of quite serious sadness/depression, id def address sooner than later if you can.