Feeling deflated after first autism diagnostic session

[SingSangSung]

We had the first part of DD's autism diagnostic sessions today. It was over Zoom. DD, 11, joined for the first half hour, then next hour and a half was me answering the clinician's questions. I feel frustrated bc they said things like 'oh, your child liked imaginative play when they were small? That's not typical of autistic individuals'. It feels like the process just proliferates stereotypes, and is especially not helpful where girls are concerned (no, she doesn't have any unusual interests in public transport or hoovers -- they didn't ask that specifically, but I think deep interests for girls can present differently). There are so many super creative autistic people in the world!

I've been raising flags about possible ASD for years. Primary school insisted 'she's fine' and sent her off to secondary with no support, which has made Y7 a nightmare. She has lots of the social communication and sensory indicators, anxiety, rigid thinking, difficulty with change. OK, she doesn't have strict rituals or obsessive interests, and the clinician today did say that it's a spectrum so not everyone has everything, but by the end of the session I felt deflated.

The clinicians like to ask, 'What difference will a diagnosis make?' I hate that question. Would they ask someone concerned about being diabetic what difference a diagnosis would make? It would explain things and enable us to get our child the support they need. Now I feel like despite all the evidence we've lived through the past 11 years, they might do the ADOS next week and tell us she doesn't meet the threshold and isn't autistic. I guess I've come to see it as part of her identity in a way, too.

Am I worrying too much about this?

what exact support are you expecting to get from an ASD diagnostic ?
your daughter's school, assuming you are in the UK, should support needs and would not need a diagnostic for this
I have been looking into this for my ADHD daughter and asked the SENCO what extra support we would get should we pursue an assessment and received a diagnosis, but she said nothing extra unless a (new) area of needs was evidenced in the ASD diagnostic report, with this our proposed NHS assessment is just the ADI and the ADOS, so I don't expect any of it to uncover anything we don't really know (especially as DD is unlikely to engage with the ADOS).
I think what they are trying to tell you, gently, that diagnosis does not automatically open access to support. one has to still to work out the needs and the what is exactly needed, due to it being a spectrum and everyone being different. Lots of people experience pain and disappointment after diagnosis because they are just given a report (which highlights deficiencies) and some sign posting, leaflet and website but no really tangible (new) help.
it's true that girls are often more difficult to diagnose if the manual is followed exactly to the book, and some clinicians use their experience and take a view, but there is a degree of liberty that is not comfortable for everyone. Good luck

Try not to worry if you are in the hands of experienced clinicians. You are right - this is a spectrum condition - no-one is a cookie cutter match for all of the diagnostic criteria. If necessary you can seek a second opinion.

It took 7 years to get DC assessed as they did not conform to stereotypical expectations. They assessment was clear cut. The diagnosis and subsequent work to understand their specific needs has been life changing including through peer support from other families.