9yo ASD / ADHD boy to transfer to private?

[londonsquirrel]

Hi, I have a dilemma...
My son has recently been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. We have known he was autistic since he was little, but ADHD is a new revelation. The school does not notice anything at all. But when I am doing homework with him at home I realise there are gaps in his understanding - probably zoning out in class or some other comprehension difficulties? Understanding stories/other people's motives is also a challenge because of perspective taking, he pretty much reads fiction as a book of facts.

So, being concerned about his education I was exploring private schools and found one supportive of sen nearby, it is a short drive away. I am very worried about the transfer though... Making friends is difficult for DS and he has a really good friend at his current school, they are constantly together. He plays with one more boy, but not with other kids really. And I am so much afraid of ruining that bond and relationship for him...

Then I am also worried about the secondary. DS is in Y4, so it is a couple of years away. But his emotional maturity is so lagging, he is quite naive. Local secondary is very good academically, but it is huge and I'm afraid he'd get so stressed by this environment and I'm also concerned about bullying. So we might think about another place for DS anyway and maybe it is good to start now?

Private school is a big commitment for us financially and logistically (or current school is a 2 min walk away as opposed to 15 mins drive). I would like to believe it would suit him better in terms of education, class size and pastoral care. But I am so worried he won't be able to connect with other kids...

Anyone made similar kind of choice?

If finances will be tight with fees, you need to have a frank discussion with the school because many charge extra for additional support.

Thanks @SearchingForSolitude , I'm having a chat with them this week and it would be one of the points.

My main concern is not the money though, it adds to the weight of the decision. I am more concerned about disrupting my child's school journey, taking him away from existing group of children that he knew for 6 years. I'm afraid the change might make him more isolated... On the other hand, there is a change coming up in two years' time...

Yes we did exactly this with ds1 who has ASD and dyslexia. Moved from what was a perfectly good local primary in most regards because ds was regressing, having more tantrums at home, stressed and not making academic progress. He hid under tables and wet himself regularly but other than that did not show ‘problem’ behaviour so the school had to put their resources into managing the kids that had greater difficulties/need.

we moved to a small nurturing private school in which ds has thrived. Smaller classes, much more orderly and organised, able to cater for individuals more, specialist subject teaching from early on (ds likes everything in its box so ‘topic work’ didn’t go well, but history/geog/RS/classics as separate lessons have done) and best element is that we have two way communication with school. Teachers respond to emails and send them to us if they have concerns or queries.

Financially it is a big commitment but has been worth it for ds. He is in year 8 and as this is the final year at his prep school is moving to another local independent school in sept. It is only around 500 pupils vs 1500-1800 in our local comprehensives - having looked carefully at all our local options we have felt he wouldn’t cope in such a large school.

good luck

P.s. our school doesn’t charge for small amounts of extra support, I do know some do though. Ds had 1:1 sessions for English twice weekly for the first couple of years but the school environment meant he hasn’t needed anything else.

Thank you @RedPanda2022 ! That is very encouraging! Which year did you transition in? Did your son manage to settle in well / find friends?

DS is doing ok at school, teachers think he is working at an expected level. However, when I am doing maths with him at work it is a nightmare. There are definitely gaps in his understanding... He has been in this school since nursery, so there's attachment. I know change is hard for him and getting used to new people / new environment can be so difficult.

Can you not find a through school so he doesn't have to move again? That would be easier.

Personally I wouldn't do it for 2 years.
Unless you committed to put into private for senior
Don't underestimate a friend and if he's happy I'd be reluctant to move him. You could always pay for extra lessons and keep him where he is.

Independent mainstreams have LONG hrs (13 hrs - 15 hrs per week extra than mainstream)
Demands are great / massive
11 plus is a hard - all about tests / exams which is weekly
Majority of children have tutors on top of school - 2 hrs a week minimum - some have lots more

Don't believe everything you see on the beautiful insta posts / what they say on an open day - it's not always rosie - schools say xyz but they don't always come up with the goods!

@seaisamazing I'm worried about comprehensive secondary as well - bullying and generally being overwhelming with lots of people and transitions. I'm not entirely sure he is going to be happy there. But then I am thinking maybe I am imagining it? Maybe he will grow and adapt? And it would be okay with the people that he knows?

What concerns me as well is that his stimming is really increasing in the afternoon. He doesn't stim much at school, so I guess some pressures during the school day put stress on him.

The private school I'm thinking of is non selective and goes all the way up to a levels. It is mainstream, but known for good Sen support and pastoral care.