A friend has a son with ADHD. She openly says he is very hyperactive and has had a diagnosis and EHCP. He is tween age and takes medication.
I encourage my DS to play with him as I know how hard friendships are for the boy. I am also very aware of how relentless it is for my friend who is a tireless advocate for her son. They go to different schools but occasionally get together.
Here is the problem: My DS who is normally very easy going is really anxious about these visits. The boy broke a game controller last time he was here. I get it, he is not in control of his impulses. I didn’t tell the mother as she is on a very low income and I knew she would feel shame.
The last time she very kindly took the boys out, her DS was making sexual gestures in the street, shouting at people on public transport and tried to run away in town. DS also had his bag thrown onto the tracks (a guard retrieved it) and was pushed and kicked and punched - supposedly in the spirit of play fighting but again impulse control makes it hard to regulate.
DS hated the way he was treating his mother so told him to stop. This was triggering for friend’s child who rounded on him again. He also apparently kicked his mother and DS said she was ‘whimpering’.
None of this was mentioned by my friend who presumably is drained and embarrassed.
DH insists we should distance ourselves from the family as he said he ‘knew people like this’ growing up and he is afraid the DC will blame our child for things eventually and the violence could escalate with DS bearing the brunt.
DS is not keen on seeing him again but does feel sorry for him.
I fear that the poor boy will eventually get himself into serious trouble. He has been in trouble for other sorts of violent acts at school that I won’t detail here as they’re too outing.
I don’t want to abandon the friendship with the mother. On the other hand, it is very tricky for me to see her and offer verbal support without actually offering to take her son or agreeing to ours going over.
Sorry if I’m being insensitive - I’m sure my own son is not entirely NT (I’m not either) but he presents very differently to this.
My heart breaks for her son. She’s an expert on ADHD so I wouldn’t try to sign post her to advice etc. What practical help can I offer? What should I say about our sons getting together?