Problems at school

[cornflakesandtea]

DS is 11 and, as yet, doesn't have a diagnosis but awaiting a paediatrician appointment for ADHD / autism. Qb test was done in October.

His behaviour is escalating in school quite badly. We don't see this kind of behaviour at home. No meltdowns, no defiance, not directed towards us at least. His older sister is a trigger at times but fairly infrequently. He tells her to shut up, calls her names etc, but it gets corrected immediately and, to be honest, she gives back as good as she gets. We put it mostly down to sibling squabbles.

Today, I've had an email from school saying that his behaviour has gotten to a point where he has hit his teacher. She said that if he wasn't so apologetic afterwards he'd have been suspended for the rest of the day. I'm appalled by his behaviour. I've emailed back apologising profusely and said we'd talk to him when he gets home, but I'm genuinely at a loss of what to do. Nothing in my arsenal seems to work. He usually gets his consoles removed as it's the only thing he really cares about. I just don't know what to do to correct this. I'm tempted to take time off work to sit in his lessons with him but this wouldn't embarrass him enough to get him to stop the behaviours when I'm not around. Does anyone have any advice please? I'm desperate and willing to try anything.

Did school tell you of the events leading to the hitting of the teacher. When my ds's lashed out at school it was generally a culmination of unmet needs and anxiety. What helped was getting support in place to help reduce their anxiety rather than lots of punishment. A first step might be asking if an education psychologist could observe your ds in the classroom to see if they have strategies that might help.

Yes, so he didn't want to go out for break time because he said it was too cold. Eventually he went out on the threat of calling me but when they were called back inside he didn't want to line up. The teacher told him to wait and he pushed her and then punched her arm and hit the TA.

I just can't understand it. He doesn't get like this at home.

What helped was getting support in place to help reduce their anxiety rather than lots of punishment.

^This. Punishing or embarrassing DS is unlikely to help. What support is the school providing? Does DS have an EHCP? If so, you need to request an early review. If not, you need to request an EHCNA - on their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

DS copes better at home because it is a completely different environment, his needs are being met and he is supported.

Is the suspension a formal one with paperwork? Or is the school informally excluding?

Honestly, I don't know. None of those acronyms mean anything to me. The school have said he's offered support, he does social skills classes, but actually I don't know what most of the support they have in place for him is. They said it was the same support he'd receive with a diagnosis, but they've never actually told me what that consists of. I'm barely at the starting line for this, but it's so frustrating because I've been begging and begging for help for years and it's only since he's gotten really bad at school that anyone has taken me seriously. It seems the minute he's gotten better at home he's deteriorating at school. I feel like if we'd have gotten the help years ago it might not have gotten to this point but no one has wanted to listen to me until it affected them. I asked the GP, they said school. I asked school and they said he was fine, a little behind in emotional development but otherwise typical behaviour. I went to a support group for parents of kids with ADHD about 5/6 years ago but without a diagnosis it was a lot of stuff I couldn't understand or relate to.

I don't know who to talk to about this. I don't know who to turn to. It was parents evening a few weeks ago and his teacher happens to be the SENCO. She said he's not actually that bad, it's just issues with homework. I got upset and she tried to reassure me that it was actually a really positive report, just a few issues with homework that we've since ironed out. Then this email today out of the blue! She was the one that he hit. I don't think it would have been hard, not that that excuses it, but then it might have been because I've never seen him lash out before.

It wouldn't have been a formal suspension today, but she's said that if this behaviour continues then it could be a presumably formal suspension.

Apologies, I misread your OP as though DS had been suspended.

Request a meeting with the teacher. If that doesn’t work, ask to speak to the HT. Follow up all verbal conversations with emails so you have a trail of evidence.

An EHCP is an Education, Health and Care Plan. A legal document that sets out a child’s needs and the support they require. An EHCNA is an Education, Health and Care Needs Assessment - an assessment you first request before the LA decides to issue an EHCP or not. You would know if DS had an EHCP, so I presume he doesn’t, in which case you should request an EHCNA. IPSEA is a charity that supports parents and they have a letter you can use.

Thank you so much for your help. I just didn't even know where to start looking and I think I've gone into panic mode. My head is a jumble.

Are you able to answer a few more questions for me please?
Does he need a diagnosis before I can request an EHCNA?
Is it worth waiting on the paediatrician? His Qb test was at the end of September. They've said they can't give us a definite but I've heard paediatrician is usually 3-4 months after the Qb test.
What do I do if he gets suspended or even excluded? I haven't even thought of the possibility of SEN schools but is this something I need to look at? I always thought schools for kids with SEN were for the most serious cases, is this the case?

Support in schools, including EHCPs, is based on needs, not diagnosis, so you don’t need to wait for a diagnosis or to see the paed again before requesting an EHCNA. Focus on this first because DS won’t get a special school placement (and he might not even need one, plenty of DC with EHCP are in mainstream with support) without one. Try not to worry about if DS gets suspended or excluded. If it happens it will provide you with evidence of unmet needs.

Have you (gently) asked him to explain what happened today from his point of view? Why didn't he want to line up? Then you need to think about what can be done to prevent this happening again? Does he need a warmer coat? Is there anywhere indoors that kids are allowed to go at lunchtime ie the library?

I would also arrange to talk to his teacher again, extra helpful that she is SENCO too.

Absolutely agree with this. He is clearly finding something difficult.

Other than this incident, what are the other behaviours in school? When you say that they are escalating, is it school saying that? Or is it just because this incident is an escalation?

The fact that he was apologetic is a good thing. It sounds as if he shocked himself with this, which will make it less likely to happen again.

We've asked him his side of the story, yes. He said he was angry because they'd moved one of his friends in the classroom and that triggered the whole "didn't want to go outside". He said he just stayed by the door and when it was time to go in he stayed where he was instead of lining up, but when he finally went to his teacher went to stop him and he pushed past her and hit her.
He definitely doesn't need a warmer coat. He has just had a brand new winter coat so it fits and is lovely and warm. And no, there is no where he can stay inside at break times sadly. I thought this whole incident could have been prevented if that was the case.

Most recently, his behaviours has been caused by not doing his homework. He doesn't want to do it at home because that is his "rest time" (his words), but it means he has to do it in break time which he also doesn't want to do. When his teacher insists he stays inside he gets angry and refuses to do as he's told. He also doesn't like getting work wrong so won't do anything that challenges himself too much, which is a shame because he's so bright.
This usually results in him shutting down completely, head on desk, will not engage, ignores his teacher, has been known to throw things and tear his work up in anger.

It's such a shame because he's a genuinely lovely boy. He's so kind hearted and sweet. He walks his friend home from school every day even though it's out of his way because she doesn't want to walk alone. He's so affectionate and loves a cuddle and he's so kind and gentle with our dog. It's just when something upsets him he turns into a different child. I don't even recognise that kid anymore because, like I said, it's only school it happens.

Losing break time for homework is counter productive. Does the school have an afterschool homework club? Have you cut down to just core subject homework? Or even considered stopping it all?

The school could put in place a lunchtime club at least.

The homework situation is now thankfully under control. He only ever gets English and maths; it takes about 30 mins to do both and most of it is on the computer so he will actually do it.
It just seems that he's swapped one problem for another, but I just want to get him to the point where he can control his anger at school.