DS1 is SEN, our home is small - to have another or not?

[Kokolocomocononame]

Prior to having DS1 we had the idea that we would probably move house around the time he was 2/3 and then aim to have a sibling before his 4th birthday.
He was a 2020 baby and the financial set backs and inflation since mean we can't move anymore. Our house is 2 rooms downstairs & 2 rooms up with a toilet on the back. It's a tight squeeze already. My son since the age of 1 has been monitored by our local teams as he is suspected to be on the spectrum, reffered to peadiatrics for assesment age 2 (srill waiting of course) and since his 3rd birthday we have now been told it is looking highly likely that he will have an autism diagnosis and have now been given official SEN support prior to official diagnosis.
I've always wanted to have 2 children, and I've kept all of my son's old things in readiness but I find myself worried about how I might cope. I've been watching my son with his cousins and he gets quite alarmed when they're noisy, and tends to just play by himself alongside them. I think if we have another he wouldnt really be interested and I fear he may be distressed when the baby is distressed. Secondly DS1 still requires a lot of 1 to 1 care and I can't get my head around how I'd manage my time between a newborn and DS1.
The lack of space is a secondary problem and a problem Im appreciative to have and it's something we could work around I think but - can I realistically expect my SEN son to share a room with a baby sibling? I considered perhaps making both bedrooms for the children and myself and my husband making up a bed in the livingroom nightly but obviously this isn't ideal.

I am so saddened that only 3 years ago we were financially stable - nothing has changed, my husband works for the railway and his job is due to be changed in the next 2 years (ticket office) and my workplace hasn't raised my salary in line with any min wage since 2019 so with the increase in food we've just fallen behind. Im 99% sure I'm going to be really regretful if we don't have another but I also don't want to regret making my son's life difficult. His happiness is genuinely more important than mine, always and I don't know what to do!

Anyone had a second with the first autistic? Any hacks for small homes?

Thank you

I wish I could tell you what to do but of course there are no right answers.

My eldest child attends a special school so I know a lot of SEN families. I don't have any research studies to hand but from the families I know probably around 70% where there is one SEN child, the other is also SEN. This is something to bear in mind.

Sibling dynamics with SEN kids. Equally I know of some SEN families where the sibling dynamics have been such that the parents have had to separate to give each child the 1:1 they need (storiesaboutautism on instagram being one). BUT there are other SEN families like mine, where the sibling is a lifeline for the SEN child and at times, their only friend and protector out in the big bad world. I'm so glad my SEN child has a sibling.

Financially. Things could be fine. Or they could not be. I decided not to have a third kid as the cost of therapies and so on for my eldest was so great that I knew I couldn't afford a third without cutting back on some of the support my eldest got and that didn't feel right. Do you have a sense of what type of provision your child might need? As a benchmark I would say I've spent almost £100k the last few years on lawyers, special school fees, therapists etc. It's eye watering. And the cost of childcare because my child can't go into holiday clubs or after school clubs as they need a 1:1 meaning I have had to always employ nannies which is also super expensive.

I guess when I was considering a third, I decided against it because I had mental criteria, like 'I'd like a third IF they were neurotypical and IF I could make the finances work and IF the others got on with them'... all things I knew I couldn't control and were just down to luck. Where with my other two, I just wanted a child, no ifs, no buts, I didn't care if they had two heads or were any gender or if they had to sleep in a cardboard box (joke). Do you have 'ifs'? Or do you want a baby regardless? If it's the latter, go for it, you'll make it work. Babies don't need big houses. If it's the former, have a think about the things you can't control and whether you'd regret your decision in future if those things came to pass.

Your love will double, but your time and resources don't, and with an SEN child that's a very real consideration.

3NT - one sen
The sen child can be triggered by his siblings. He loves to be by himself. He would love to be an only child. He can find life hard. If he was my first I wouldn’t have another sibling - sorry. Just based on how he finds life and how we have to manage everything. No b sitters, we don’t invite people to the house. Depends what you want in life. He likes his own safe home without external people / “friends”. However we only discovered the sen at 2.5 years

Could you cope with 2 sen children?!?!? There is always that possibility

I think we have only “managed” as being under no cash constraints and throwing money into private therapy/ advocates when Arguing against LA etc.

If you have a supporting husband and he’s hands on / family hands on - then it will be easier.

It depends on how sen / functioning your first is and whether they suffer from anxiety as that’s tricky as they are unable to leave the house as that can be depressing for everyone

Good luck

Hi @Kokolocomocononame I can share my experience with you but of course everyone else’s is different.

I have 2 DD’s, DD1 is 5 and DD2 is 2. DD1 is suspected ASD (assessment next week!!) and moderate learning disability. She requires substantial support in school and is regularly seen by SLT and is just starting 1-1 therapy with occupational therapy as her fine motor skills are poor. She is in the process of being statement Ed (EHCP in England) and will receive 1-1 support in school but must be closely observed for her ability to cope in mainstream education with potential of needing to move to small group specialist ed.

I had DD2 when DD1 had just turned 3 and she STRUGGLED with the transition. She was very jealous, had zero interest in her little sister and got very distressed every time baby cried (she has a sound sensitivity.) There were many days in those early days that I thought “what have I done, I have ruined her life.” Everyone told me she would love a baby sister and she hated her.

When DD2 was around 10 weeks she tentatively peeked over the Moses basket to look at her and that was the first time she had ever shown any interest in her. She proceeded to mostly ignore her until DD2 was around 8 months and playing on the floor when one day DD1 just got up off the settee, sat down on the floor with her and began to laugh at her. The rest is history. From that day their bond grew and grew and now at the age of 5 and 2 I can hand on heart say having DD2 has been the best thing that has ever happened DD1. They are best friends, they do everything together, DD2 has helped DD1 with her confidence and interacting with her cousins, she is like a little safety net for her that she can always fall back on when on social situations.

It has not always been easy (DD2 has her own health conditions that require frequent hospital admission) and in those early days I honestly thought I had ruined DD1’s life but giving her a sibling has turned out to be the best decision we could have made as a family, my heart swells watching them together and DD2 makes DD1 so happy, she adores her!!

Good luck with your decision 💐

Just to put my thoughts in-

we had surprise baby number 3 whilst DS2 was only a baby himself, showing early signs of autism. We were struggling, at times at breaking point. But it is the best thing that ever happened to us having surprise baby number 3, she is now very close with DS who is on the way to getting his diagnosis, DS tolerates his sister but it has honestly brought him out his shell having to constantly interact with DD3. DS’s siblings are his lifeline at times, they allow him some normality when life gets overwhelming and he does model their behaviour at times, which has helped him cope with fitting in at school. I couldn’t imagine his life without his siblings, although at times he is fed up of them I know he loves them immeasurably and finds their company soothing.

of course your instincts will serve you well and only you can know what is best for your family.

sending hugs x