Could my DD be autistic?

[moshmoshi]

My DD is in Y6 and I have thought she could have ASD for a while. It has also been suggested by a couple of people. I’m not sure if I’m overthinking though- I thought if I made a list posters might be able to advise me if it could be ASD or more likely due to puberty/her having a more tricky personality.

DD cannot accept any perceived criticism, she takes it very personally and over reacts eg ‘everybody hates me, why did you even have me etc on being reminded to eat with her mouth closed/ put her shoes away or something similar.’ She has always been like this but seems more so recently. She is so explosive it is like walking on egg shells.

She can be a bit socially awkward- she has always found it tricky to compromise and understand the give and take of friendships. Over the last few years she seems to be having more friendship difficulties- she says she doesn’t understand them and that she spends her breaks watching what’s going on or walking around. She says others will talk to her for a bit and walk away. DD deliberately winds her older siblings up and then get very upset when they react. She can be extremely rude and at other times blunt, she doesn’t seem to know when to stop and not say anything.

DD has very specific interests. She does talk about them and ask questions but not excessively. She watches particular shows over and over. She is very bright academically and taught herself to read at 3. Her understanding is good but she does also struggle to understand or empathise with anyone’s thoughts or opinions (real or fictional) if they are not similar to hers.

She struggles with change/ anything new and will need a lot of persuasion to try anything. She would prefer to be at home all day with the tv, tablet or colouring/drawing. She seems to really struggle not being in control of what’s happening.

Her self esteem is really low she frequently says things like’ I’m a weirdo’, ‘nobody wants me’ and that she’s rubbish at everything. She doesn’t respond to reassurance. This is newer - over the last few years.

She was a really happy baby/toddler and has become a glass half empty, unhappy, challenging child/pre teen. I just want her to relax and enjoy life!

What do you guys think- possible ASD or just a more tricky child?

Whether DD has ASD or not, it sounds like further assessment would be a good idea.

Is DD receiving any support currently?

No not receiving any support apart from what we’re trying to do at home to help her manage her emotions and her tendency to catastrophise every little thing. We also try and boost her self esteem all the time. When I’ve mentioned concerns to school they don’t seem to share them - they acknowledge she can be a bit of a loner but that’s all they see. Her behaviour at school is perfect and she is academically strong. The school has very high SEN so doubt that she is anywhere near their radar if that makes sense?

When her TA talked to her after quite a few ‘I’m so miserable’ comments, she said my DD had mentioned about probably going to a different secondary school as the others. That’s not going to change as we feel it would be best for her.

Speak to the SENCO. The school could provide support with friendship and emotional literacy. Also, have you spoken to the secondary school’s SENCO?

Following with interest as this describes my y5 DD to a T..

I can only speak from my own experience of DD with ASD, and that is that puberty made everything harder. It's like the gulf between her and her peers grew massively. From your description there could be multiple things going on but you are right to seek more help. I feel for your DD, it must be hard.

This sounds like a description of my DD. Suggest looking at techniques for supporting kids with PDA to help with what sounds like anxiety-driven behaviours and just see if they help her. Keep things very low demand and see how that works for her.
Doesn’t matter if she has a diagnosis or not if the techniques lower her anxiety obviously that great. However I would recommend seeking assessment personally because it could help if your child has greater challenges at school in future and guide you as to how you might be able to support her.

@moshmoshi if you are seeking assessment I would ask for an ADHD assessment alongside the ASD. Winding up her older siblings could be Dopamine chasing.

She sounds just like my dd12. We are just starting the process of seeking assessment, transition to secondary did not go well, and these type of small behaviours started to really escalate over the last few months and became much more clear.

I would recommend starting the process before secondary if you can to put in place as much support as possible, that's what I wish I had done. I would also email the school and contact GP with a list of your concerns, even if they don't act on it, you are starting a trail.

I agree with the posters above - she is struggling and I would be looking for an assessment for her. If school have lots of experience with SEN then it could work in your favour as they may have had training and might be aware that ND girls often present differently. I would make an appointment with the SENCO and ask what is available - do they have anyone who can observe your DD in social situations at school and write a report?

With self esteem, are there activities she could do which are more solitary but in a group like orchestra, martial arts, swimming etc? Something she can make progress in without feeling like her social skills are holding her back. Even just sitting down and acknowledging that she finds social stuff difficult could be helpful to her - it doesn't need to have a diagnosis, but letting her know that some people find taking to people or knowing what to say tricky and that's hard but ok might be helpful to her.

Aside: @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto thanks for your post, I didn't realise that winding up siblings could be dopamine related, this info could be very useful in my house.

It does sound she has unmet needs, this only would trigger support from school's SEN program, whether you want to go down the assessment route or not.
My daughter turned out to be ASD and almost no one could believe it. Girls are great at masking and present in completely different ways.
I suggest you read Dr Green's book "the explosive child". It really helped me on parenting a PDA child.
Everything needs to be shifted to make sure she is the only controlling her actions. pDA children suffer real panic attacks if they are asked to follow other people's instructions. They get hugely mortified by being told off by adults and any criticism from peers becomes unbearable.
With the correct adjustments, she can thrive... my DD has benefited from having a diagnosis (she is 10 and it took 2+ years!), it seems to give her an identity and validation. Good luck!

@UniversalTruth i hope it helps you manage the situation. One of mine has ADHD and the Winding up can escalate quite quickly. It doesn't help that the other one reacts every single time 🤦‍♀️

samarcanda thanks for your helpful post, so nice to hear about kids with PDA thriving. could you talk more about the correct adjustments? How is this happening at school, for instance?

It does sound like ASD/ADHD, OP.

Re: secondary school, please consider sending her to the same one as her friends. I went to a different one and found it so hard (I was extremely bright but probably autistic).

@BroccoliniFloret you might need to try an @ to get the poster you mentioned to come back