What to do with my clever, difficult, lovely autistic boy (7)

[Allthetoast]

I've posted on SN children a few days ago (and am looking into some ideas given), but posting here for more ideas. If any of you have any I would be immensely grateful! We are looking for a school, setting, or any other ideas for my somewhat hard-to-pin-down boy.

DS (diagnosed ASC at 4, with an EHCP) is effectively being managed out of his school, which to be honest we agree with (he's not thriving there and we can't see it working even with lots in place). In their words, "square peg round hole" and an unusual case. He is very clever, and he can thrive when he is engaged, interested and regulated. Really interested in learning and hasn't lost that - yet! - although he dislikes school and doesn't want to go in most days (brief periods of respite when things are going well). Reading at 3, etc but with social communication challenges and with sensory needs (can be very noisy or dysregulated for example when noise is too loud etc, which can be pretty disruptive at times). He can be a bit difficult and demand avoidant, if he isn't interested in something he doesn't want to do! (Eg phonics, writing..) He HATES being what he perceives as "told off" and this always has big repurcussions (eg school refusal)

In his current mainstream he has a 1-1 TA - which we feel is counter productive as he's just reliant on her (but the school couldn't cope if he didn't have 1-1 as he would just refuse to engage in lessons). We also feel his social interactions are being harmed, he has few friendships, although he is loved by staff! We think that's partly the his 1-1 making socialising difficult, partly that he hasn't gelled with any kids, partly because he always wants things on his own terms, partly the school not facilitating friendships. But he can be liked and make friends when he meets kids who gel, and still has some from where we used to live.

We would like him to go to a setting where he can thrive, have friendships and be happy.

It's really hard to say now if he could cope in MS with a more sen-aware school. We haven't ruled it out, but not sure if he could cope, and don't want something that breaks down again in a couple of years. We have looked round all the local state specialist schools and all have said they wouldn't be able to meet his academic needs. What should we do? Are there any options for academically bright kids with sensory and social Comms needs (does not need to be ASC exclusive and preferably somewhere with an academically bright cohort).

Would have to be somewhere not strict, that knows about and helps these sort of kids to thrive. He doesn't have significant behaviour issues but he CAN BE very difficult, unless loads of flexibility and interest-led activity is allowed.

We are struggling with identifying something suitable but know there must be something out there - any thoughts gratefully received!! Prefer Bristol, BANES, somerset, Dorset, gloucs, anywhere South west and if needed south/ midlands if possible (but any absolutely perfect schools further afield, we would consider moving).

We would also consider something more flexible or self-directed (have looked at a couple) but we wonder if he needs something more adult-led. However, we would definitely consider any suggestions on those too if they would suit him. We can't home educate full time - but we could do a part time at home thing with a part time setting, which might suit him well. Please help 🙏

Have you thought about More House School in Farnham? It’s a game changer for many boys like your son. It’s small, the staff are amazing and all the boys have some barrier to learning. They take boarders from Y6 I think. The school starts at Y4 and goes up to Y13.

St Edwards in Romsey?

Thank you both I'll check them out. Any other ideas would be amazing.

Ideally it'd be something we could push for EOTAS for so more local, but may not be possible (if not not sure how we would fund, but where there's a will there's a way..?)

Also if anyone has had a similar DC and changing to a better mainstream has been successful? I think he would have been doing much better at a different school, but whether things would have lasted much longer in a better MS anyway I don't know (have seen that often things seem to get harder year 4/5..) It's so hard not knowing the counterfactual!

We regret our choice of MS :( It has a nice villagey feel but they are very conventional and have no creative thoughts on how to manage DS (apart from one or two lovely teachers and TAs who have been more helpful) We didn't know he was autistic when he started reception there though (although we strongly suspected) so we probably weren't rigorous enough on SEN.

My son, also 7, with very similar characteristics did not settle at a “better” mainstream I’m afraid. The teachers and the setting was better, but ultimately it was too overwhelming for him and his behaviour was very challenging. We’re going into a specialist setting now which will hopefully be able to meet his needs consistently and give him the toolkit to manage.