Will school ever work…?

[TeaInTheGarden]

Like a lot of people I’m wondering what to do about school….
My son is 5 and in year one. Diagnosed autistic.
He’s very capable academically and masks so well he appears neurotypical at school.
We get the classic coke bottle effect at pick up. And sometimes if not the explosion he’s just kind of manic/hyper and running/climbing all over the place (round car parks, on the roof of my car, on top of his big brothers in the car etc).

He doesn’t have any accommodations in school at the moment but we’ve just applied for an EHCP. That will be a long hard battle though.

In reception we inadvertently caused school trauma by leaving him crying. Massive regret on my part and I’ve promised him I’ll never do that again. (This was before we even suspected he was autistic. The trauma caused it to become apparent)

True to my word and he’s had 3 days off so far out of 11 days of term. He says he doesn’t feel well, school gives him a headache etc, and we don’t even make it to the grounds as I won’t force him.

He won’t tell me much at all about school and will often just growl if I ask. One thing he has told me is he gets “really really really angry” if not picked to answer when he has his hand up. This worries me a lot as it’s just how school is and there will be sooooo many times he isn’t picked, can’t go first, gets told no, has to share, is treated “unfairly” in his mind etc. He’s just started wearing his ear defenders at school which I’m pleased about. But other than that he tells me nothing else. I can’t fathom how the boy we have at home manages to keep his temper all day.

At home he’s triggered by:

• people speaking in the car
• being told no
• feeling like he’s being forced or tricked into doing something (he’s very smart so choices and declarative language don’t really work too well!)
• anyone asking him a question he doesn’t understand/finds too hard
• not getting to go first
• his big brothers doing pretty much anything (although that’s probably very normal!)

He’s very demand avoidant, will fight, ignore, run away etc, or if I do lose my temper he sometimes fawns (to my shame) so I’m assuming this is what he’s doing at school.

Sensory wise he does a lot of crashing to the floor, some spinning, is sensitive to sound and touch, extremely restrictive diet. Scratches parents arm to get to sleep. Gets in our bed when he wakes up.

So my question is- how on earth can school work for him? I was thinking maybe he was genuinely fine there. But yesterday he told me about feeling angry when not getting picked and I realised he definitely is experiencing the emotions he feels at home while he’s there. At home if he wasn’t picked in a similar scenario he would shout/cry/scream/hit/throw etc.
We cannot play board games with him unless he controls the whole thing. We can’t go bowling, crazy golf etc where he needs to take turns. We can’t even go ice skating or similar as he can’t have anyone overtake him. He won’t read books to us at home, when he did in the past and I corrected him gently he had an epic meltdown.

So can a school ever work for him? Could a special school work maybe? Forgot to add he also finds it very difficult to ask for basic things at school. He is completely verbal but very shy in certain settings. So not sure how he will ask for help with his work (not that I’m bothered about academic work atm!)

Anyone with similar experiences? TIA

Sounds rather like our son at the same age, but we didn’t have a diagnosis then. School became very traumatic and we’ve had fixed term exclusions, school refusal, nurture groups, ELSA sessions, parenting courses. And nothing really I think has made a huge impact other than him
maturing and moving him into a much much smaller specialist setting.

As part of our EHCNA he was assessed by an educational psychologist who advocated massively for 1:1 at all times and a permanent small specialist setting.

Without this I think he would have had a permanent exclusion from primary as he was becoming unable to mask and his dysregulation was epic - both at school and home.

maybe see if school can offer nurture groups, or 1:1 whilst you try for an EHCNA. For the time being he has to feel relatively safe and comfortable there. Good luck.

The right school with the right support may work. Unfortunately, for some no matter what adjustments are made school doesn’t work. Have you looked at what special schools are within travelling distance? What people have available locally differs, so while SS may work for some because they happen to have a suitable one within travelling distance, it doesn’t for others because they don’t have a suitable one nearby.

@Whysomanyfoxes thank you- so does the small specialist setting work? And did he fall behind academically to get that?

@OvertakenByLego thank you yes that’s a good point. I’m just not sure- he’s academic (as far as I can tell age 5!) which may make it tricky I think. And as he’s so quiet and well behaved in school I’d be worried about him being somewhere surrounded by challenging behaviour. I need to do some research for sure!

@TeaInTheGarden He was falling behind academically in mainstream. The sensory overload of class was too much and he couldn’t concentrate. Added to that the anxiety about being told off for not following/keeping up, then that created more anxiety about not being able to do the work. A specialist setting has definitely helped. In fact its worked wonders. A specialist setting can help to meet the needs of children, so actually there is less challenging behaviour because they are having the support they need. In my experience mainstream school failed my son utterly and Im so glad he’s elsewhere now.

Not all SS have DC with challenging behaviour. And some do cater for academically able DC. Sometimes even if a setting can’t cater completely to a pupil’s advanced academic needs it is still the right setting for them because it can cater for all their other needs - communication, sensory, social, mental health etc. If those other needs aren’t met their MH will suffer, and it is little use being academically able but unable to function in everyday life. Whereas if other needs are met academics can always come alongside that (via school or other provision) or later if necessary.

@OvertakenByLego yes I agree with this. His mental health absolutely has to come first, he won’t even be able to learn at all otherwise.