Fine at school, NOT fine at home

[CambridgeshireMummy]

DS has just turned 7 and is in Yr3.

DS has always been a bit difficult since birth, prone to tantrums and generally a bit moody. However, for the past year or so I have begun to suspect there might be more to it. I'd hoped he would have developed some form of emotional regulation by this point, but if anything I feel its worse. At home he will have a total tantrum/meltdown over what seem to be small things (asking him to brush teeth, giving him a 5 min warning to end tablet time (he gets 1 hour a day total), asking him what he might want on his toast) and it'll end up in him screaming at the top of his lungs. He often now comes towards me and screams literally in my face (nose to nose situation). He now slams doors too. At the same time he also crying and stomping and just completely out of control in terms of being able to calm himself down. His meltdown will last up to 40 mins. When not in a huge tantrum he can be a bit rude/answering back, and if he's in a good mood he will be pretty hyped up running about. He has such a loud voice -you can hear him anywhere! When not melting down he's a funny, fun little boy who is obsessed with football, minecraft etc. He has some friends at school and seems to be okay socially (though he does seem quite immature when you see him with a group of his school pals).

However, at school his behaviour seems fine. When I've enquired, each teacher has said he's a chatterbox and sometimes gets easily distracted but otherwise he's great. He is doing well academically, particularly given his age within the year group (he's the youngest!) and did well in his yr2 SATS. I've spoken with the SENCO directly again last week about how he is at home, and they've agreed to help work with him on some emotional regulation techniques to help him learn to calm himself down, but said otherwise there's not much to do as he's clearly doing well at school etc.

We've got a doctors appointment to discuss with GP. I'm already 100% sure the GP will be useless, but as a family we're struggling so much now and have no idea where to turn for some help. We have enough savings to go private for help, but child pschologists locally have all said they only work on referrals from school (who said he doesn't need referring) or GP.

Any ideas where I can go for help next? Does it sound to you like we should investigate some form of diagnosis (my instinct is ADHD but I think its because I know more about ADHD due to a few of DH's family being diagnosed).

Sounds quite similar to our child of the same age. Although school is much more problematic for us - there’s definitely no masking going on with our child. We paid for a private OT assessment as we believed that some of our child’s issues were sensory. This has been really helpful - there are significant sensory processing issues and knowing this has helped us to make adjustments for him, which has helped at home and school.

@Whysomanyfoxes Thanks for replying. What made you suspect sensory issues? DS doesn't have any sensory issues that I'm aware of - he's fine with all clothes, doesn't care much about food textures but I have no idea about other types of sensory issues.

He's masking at school. You're his safe place. He can express himself and lash out. It certainly doesn't mean his needs are being better met at school, it's often the total opposite.

Being ‘fine’ at school but not at home isn’t uncommon. It’s called the coke bottle effect. It doesn’t mean home is the problem. If school was easier home life would likely be easier too.

The SENCO is talking rubbish, they can support at school. Do they have anyone who could support Zones of Regulation work. Do they have a nurture group?

Have a look at some PDA strategies, some find some of those helpful. Ross Greene’s book The Explosive Child is also useful.

There are psychiatrists, peads and clinical psychologists who assess/provide support when the school isn’t in agreement. If you wanted to go down the NHS route check whether you can self refer.

@Appleontherocks This is my concern. I think he is masking too and it must be absolutely exhausting. But I think school turn a blind eye/ear to my comments because he's not an issue for them when he's there. I totally appreciate they're underfunded and dealing with a large number of SEN pupils that experience real issues at school too, so my little DS is lower priority.

How would you go about getting some help? Would you just keep pushing for referral from school and GP?

Like I said, I suspect ADHD is at play - I've researched and looked at the diagnostic criteria that needs to be met and he ticks a lot of the boxes (for combined type). However, he needs to show the behaviours in 2 settings .... and currently school think he's A-Ok!

Just because school think DS is OK, doesn’t mean he actually is. Many schools think DC are ‘fine’ when they are anything but. Look whether you can self refer in your area. If you can do that. If not push the GP to.

Alongside this request another meeting with the SENCO as they have fobbed you off previously. Follow up the meeting with an email so you have a paper trail as evidence. Can DS articulate what he finds difficult at school or what could be better for him? If he can, use what DS says as points to raise in the meeting.

@CambridgeshireMummy our child was very anxious which presented as extreme behaviour - screaming, shouting, hitting, trashing (you get the picture). The effort of keeping it all together at school was too much and the sensory overwhelm resulted in the aggressive behaviour that we saw at home. Lots of fidgeting in class, not looking like they were paying attention, easily distracted were some of the clues for our child - but suspect that they are all different. Ours is fine too with clothes and food but evidently the noise, bustle and general nature of a busy school was far too much for them.