London Secondary for DS with possible ASD and anxiety

[lumpahef]

Hi all,

Going to ask a question I am sure gets asked millions of times but here we go anyway... DS is 12. Been struggling with secondary since the start of year 7, though had anxiety and some sensory issues going back a long time. Been seeing a child psychologist since October, which is not helping as much as we hoped. Are getting a private ASD assessment done this month on recommendation from them and school (primarily due to sensory issues and need for routine etc). Son doing very well academically and is ok in lessons themselves, but finds the school environment extremely challenging. Often gets overwhelmed, panic attacks and tears. School is a very large independent, with demanding academic requirements. He misses games every week to attend therapy (as cant cope with Rugby etc), has been unable to join any clubs etc, and field week this week has been a disaster as the off-site activities were just too stressful for him.

So, while we are hopeful something comes out of the assessment we can work with, and the school continue to be very supportive, I have a suspicion he will end up being found to have traits, but not enough for a diagnosis, but with anxiety disorder etc, and we may need to think about moving him to a smaller and more nurturing school. I also worry the school are going to say they cannot keep providing this level of support as he moves into year 8.

We live in Hammersmith/Fulham area but would think about moving if we had to (and if we can find a way out of our rental contract early!). I dont know if this would be the solution (as he was at a tiny primary and still had some anxiety there), but seems like something we need to seriously consider.

Any suggestions? It would need to be co-ed.

Are you looking for a mainstream or specialist school?

🥲 What about an online school? Or a hybrid school - Then he would avoid all the things he hates - sports, queues.....

He could learn from the comfort of his home

Why co Ed? Does he struggle just with boys? Or you trying to put a sister in too ....

@Relaxinghammock mainstream I think, as we wont be able to get an EHCP or any help as he can access his education, with support, it is just really tough for him. I am just trying to find somewhere that will make him feel less overwhelmed and less scared. There are some lovely looking special schools, but at £14k a term they are financially impossible!

@fedupallthisrubbish co-ed because all his friends are girls, and he finds boys generally more difficult to deal with. Plus I am not a fan of single-sex for boys anyway. Online school would not be practical as we both work full time. Plus he does benefit from the socialization etc.

Oooo your poor son. It's very tricky. You must buy Laura Kirby book on pda for educators - see whether you think your son is pda and masking to a high level. All about struggles in the school environment / anxiety / noise etc.

Easier schools - Ewell castle, Claremont, canbury house, king edwards (surrey but on a fast train line from cj / Waterloo)

Halliford is a very small boys school - good with Sen - I know you didn't want a boys school but it does cater for Sen well.

Or maybe a hybrid school in London - so he gets time to relax at home with a couple of days at school....

Or what we have done in the past whilst waiting for the EHCP to come through - is pay for a 1 to 1 at the independent school (equally the older they get prob don't want someone tagged on to them) ....

Tricky - as they older they get more demands from school too

Start the EHCP today as a parent - look at ipsea there is a template - they take a long time so get the ball rolling

At least school is nearly over and time to chill and gain energy 👍

Good luck

What does your boy think? Does he like the school or not?

Don't keep on pushing him if he hates it - he shouldn't be crying - is he able to articulate why he doesn't like it? Quite a big question for a child....

Doesn't sound like that school works for him - hopefully someone has a space for yr 8 - I've be tempted to jump ship before he starts in sept.

Does he have friends at the school or not? Some children and also teachers can be quite mean

If DS isn’t coping in his current mainstream I wouldn’t rule out requesting an EHCNA. You may need to appeal to get an EHCP, but it does sound like DS needs more support than what is typically available in mainstream, even an independent mainstream. It sounds like sensory OT and further MH provision would help.

This place might be worth looking at: https://smlcollege.org.uk/

I think I remember your posts from the start of the school year.
it might be worth looking at some of the very small schools such as Canbury in Kingston.
Not in your area but the likes of New Forest small school may be worth a look and More House Frensham.
Wemm May also be worth a try.
also have you looked at sensory processing if he is finding the whole environment stressful. Noise, crowds smells etc could all be contributing.

Thanks all. It is very difficult. He has 90% attendance as we miss every friday afternoon when they have Games to go to his therapist, so that is not great, but it could be a lot worse. I feel like the LA will not be interested as we just got his end of year report and he was above average in every subject, with some results being at the top of his year, so they will say he is not having trouble accessing an education, despite the fact that he found every day a real struggle and is becoming more and more overwhelmed by anxiety etc. Plus we worry about moving school when he has just started to build relationships/a routine etc and we could end up just making things worse...Anyway...we have his ASD assessment this Friday so I guess we just need to wait and see what comes from that and take it from there. Just so hard to know what to do.

EHCPs are about more than academic ability. There are plenty of academically able DC with EHCPs. You may have to appeal, many parents do, some more than once, but if DS isn’t coping in his current MS I would be requesting an EHCNA.

I would second what @Relaxinghammock says. Please don't be put off applying for an EHCP based on your DS's academic abilities. I know DC at grammar schools who have EHCPs. My DS has an EHCP and he got the highest marks in his year in two of his subjects this year. That's not to boast but his academic 'success' - and more importantly, his ability to even attend lessons - are only possible because he gets adequate support at school via his EHCP.

Your DS sounds a bit similar to mine. My DS's barriers to learning include extreme anxiety, panic attacks and tears. A good EHCP should include strategies to help address these things.
From what you say, it sounds like your DS does need a fair bit of scaffolding and that can only be legally enforced via an EHCP. (Although of course all schools should employ best endeavours to support all DC.)

I would also caution that it could take over a year to get an EHCP if the local authority force you to appeal at every stage. So what with tribunal waits, if you apply now, you could be looking at Yr9.

The best endeavours duty doesn’t apply to independent schools. Although they do have to comply with the Equality Act.

Thank both. We have his assessment on Friday so I think we will await the outcome of that before considering whether or not to start the process. It also depends on what the school does/is willing to do. The problem with being at a selective, very academic, independent school, is they often dont really have much ability to deal with these kinds of needs. They have been very supportive so far, and really gone above and beyond, but I get the feeling they are running out of patience. It also depends how September goes. He was doing a lot better by the end of the year, with the supports, but seeing as he struggles even after a weekend off, I think coming back after this holiday is going to be rough. To say I am anxious about it would be an understatement....I just find it really hard seeing him so scared. It breaks my heart every time, and I find myself worrying about it constantly, which is not good for him or me!

The 2 important things you need to work for a child like this (mine is the same)

1. Environment it needs to suit the child
2. The people who are working with your child.

If either of those things are not working you have no chance. It's game over.

Also, major sensory issues - noise, children, shouty teachers, uniform. Some teachers are kind but some teachers don't want to know.

Even if he does / or doesn't get an ASD diagnosis it won't matter really. It might help to understand why he struggles but come sept he will be feeling the same things internally (with or without an ASD diagnosis) Hopefully he has a nice form teacher however it's a big summer holiday.

The problem with independent mainstreams generally love to sen children to act NT - and not totally flexible and that when the anxiety steps in for the child. The pressure / demands only increase each year .... so they can go for a bit longer until they are completely unable to attend so best to change things before you get too deep down the hole as such.

We got an EHCP independent mainstream for my child took 2 years and a tribunal - but yes he can get 100% in year end results / top marks in his set even though he's not always present in lessons depending on anxiety - so they can defo get an EHCP if you have a bright child.

Good luck