DS with SEN, bullying, school refusal, HE

[Thosesummernights]

This is a bit of a mess so could do with some clarity of thought and some collective advice.

DS has potted school history. He’s in current year 6 of his 3rd school. Will move to his 4th in September as his current one isn’t right for him (could go through to upper school but it’s too academic for him). Change of schools previously was due to relocation and dyslexia diagnosis (not English speaking school).

He has very prominent dyslexia but works so hard. His current school’s learning support has been brilliant. Also ‘mild ASD’. He’s always been respectful of his teachers and other adults. He wants to do well in school and although it is hard for him, he’s always given his all.

Year 6 has been awful for him. While he is sporty, he just doesn’t have any real friends so is really bottom of the pile compared to his peers (bottoms sets for all subjects of course). Worse still, the boys he thought were friends have spent the last year bullying him. He feels he doesn’t fits in and keeps staying that no one likes him.

I have had countless discussions with the school over the last year about it. They have been ineffective and certainly not kept to their bullying policy. I have checked to ensure he’s not displaying behaviours that others would find unacceptable and have been assured that he isn’t.

I happened to be at school yesterday lunch time and witnessed some boys being awful to him. It then carried on during matches with his own team calling for him to get out and saying he belongs on the “U3s Disabled, Autistic gay club.” He’s broken. He doesn’t want to go back in for the rest of term and I don’t blame him. It’s been happening on and off for months now.

It’s not helped that the school sports team selection have put him in the Cs this term. Outside of school he plays in his clubs A team and he’s been offered a place on his new schools gifted sports programme starting in September. He’s a physical boy and needs sport. It’s something he feels he’s actually good at but the inconsistency in this placement has really knocked what little confidence he had. Of course his place on the Cs has given his ex mates more fodder as they are in the team above him (“You’re a t*at, you’re rubbish etc etc.”)

He never ever gets invited to anything social. I arranged lots of net ups when we first joined the school to help forge some friendships but over time he hasn’t be able to maintain any bar one this year.

I don’t think it’s all one sided and will seek help for him to develop some better social skills (although as I say, the school have stated that he hasn’t been displaying any negative traits). He has lots of interests outside of school and is an active member at a few sports clubs so sees other boys there but no one he’s firm friends with yet.

But what next? I’ve emailed the school again following the latest incident. I’m just unsure how best to support him. He’s not going in tomorrow but he knows on Friday, if he goes back, the boys will taunt him about it (“Your parents can’t afford to send you to school so that’s why you haven’t been in.” and the like). Do we keep him off for the rest of term? How far should we take this with school given that he is leaving?

Apologies for the wall of text and my muddled thoughts.

This is shocking, your poor DS.

How long is left of the school year? Is it possible for DS not to attend? I would be escalating your complaint with the school and if that isn’t working the police.

I don’t know where you are but is there anything equivalent to an EHCP?

What the actual fuck are that school up to? That's obscene behaviour from the other kids. This - if in England now -is the private school complaint form form and if nothing else should ensure some uncomfortable conversations.https://www.gov.uk/complain-about-school/private-schools#:~:text=DfE%20can%20ask%20the%20school,in%20the%20school%20complaints%20form.

From what you've said the problem is not with your kid, who sounds like a lovely, sporty, not wildly academic kid, but with the entitled fuckwits he's at school with.

If you can, get him the fuck out of that hell hole not least to stop giving the useless bastards that run it any money.

Thank you for your responses - he’s thrown up twice this morning out of worry.

I’ve been into school and spoken with form tutor and Head of Middle school. So far the boys are denying it all. They started to suggest that they would have to investigate if there were issues the other way - a six of one, half dozen of another situation. I told them that it wasn’t for us to prove and as I’d witnessed some behaviour earlier that day, I know understand what he’s been going through. Any opportunity to belittle and put down.

The head of sport stated to suggest my DS told his whole team that they were batting wrong and that caused negativity which in turn was the reason for them loosing their game and the resulting comments! My unconfident child (one of the reasons cited for keeping him in the C team) is now so confident he marched over to his new team and told them what they were doing wrong. It makes no sense.

So we have given a timeline of what’s happened. We cited the schools anti bullying policy at them, as well as others relevant to the sport and are now waiting for them to finish their investigation.

What happens next? The boys won’t admit anything and no adults were present to witness it. It’s his word against theirs. There is also sorts of nepotism at play. Parents are former pupils, on the trust board, so are boarders etc. it shouldn’t matter but it really seems to.

@SusiePevensie thank you for the link. I’ll keep this in my back pocket.

We have two and a big weeks left until summer holidays. We just wanted him to finish with his head held high and on a positive note. We didn’t expect awards etc. Poor kid.

Thing is, a half decent school would take this seriously. They might not automatically believe one side or other, but they would organise school-wide reminders that homephobic and disablist bullying is not ok. Teachers would be having very serious conversations with kids. They'd be encouraging anyone else who might be being targeted to come forwards.

And suppose your kid had criticised the batting. Suppose, even, he'd been a bit annoying about it. That hardly justifies using 'gay' and 'autistic' as an insult. Honestly, fuck'em all.

Thing is, a half decent school would take this seriously. They might not automatically believe one side or other, but they would organise school-wide reminders that homephobic and disablist bullying is not ok. Teachers would be having very serious conversations with kids. They'd be encouraging anyone else who might be being targeted to come forwards.

^^This. The school is dreadful. With such a short time remaining I would give DS the option of not attending if that’s possible.

I read your OP incorrectly, I thought you were abroad, if you are in England I would look at requesting an EHCNA.

Thank you both for voicing my thoughts. Obviously I’ve been measured but firm with the school but honestly, I was shocked when they suggested he was to blame for the fallout.

Thank you both for your suggestions. As far as supporting our DS, we are able to have it at home so that’s not an issue at all. I just feel it’s a rubbish way to end his tenure here - why shouldn’t her get to go on the residential (he won’t) and enjoy the last few fun weeks. And why do the boys and school get an easy out? Having children with SEN, I’m used to fighting for them but he’s old enough to see this isn’t right. Protecting him from knowing how badly he is being let down isn’t as easy as it once was.

• him, not it!