Please advise, should I be worried or doing more?

[poolpaddle]

NC for this.

This is playing on my mind and I’d really like some advice.

I met with my preschooler's key worker the other week, at a “parents evening” meeting which was actually an assigned 5 minutes sitting with the teacher in the classroom with all the kids (including mine) running around. It was all “yes great, she’s very ready for school” etc (in the last few months I’ve been told by this same teacher how she’s blossomed, has formed lovely friendships, gets on with everyone, is really bright etc).

I then asked about how my dd can be quite particular about some things eg the way her ponytail is (though she's definitely outgrown more recently) and the key worker said she was glad I said that as there are a couple of things that make her think we should “keep an eye” on. I said the autism word and she said well, maybe, but very high functioning. Dd is 4 and 3/4) and an only child (perhaps relevant as has had a lot of adult attention supporting her learning esp during lockdowns - from wider family too). These are the things which make the kw think we should keep an eye out:

◦	Reading apparently on par with the teacher’s 7yo - yes dd is good at reading but has been taught since age 2 (my sister went through preschool books with her since then, tracing letters etc) 
◦	Understand maths and can do sums but nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary
◦	Can be clingy at preschool drop off, happens on and off, but she’s fine once we have left
◦	More cautious than others (both me and her dad are a bit overprotective of her physical safety so I take full blame) but what I see is a kid who does like to climb, swing, run etc as much as her friends
◦	Remembers how things were and shows some preference for them to be the "right way" but has shown flexibility with this
◦	At school prefers to be guided to kids activities by an adult/prefers adult led stuff - I only know this from the teachers. On play dates (be that 1:1 or groups) she and the other kids get as far away from the adults as they can and need no input
◦	The unicorn trinket attached to the zip of her lunch bag (she’s had for 2 years) came off at school the other day and she got very upset, teacher said she was able to calm her. Now in my mind this is surely the equivalent of the stone coming out of my engagement ring! 

She is popular amongst her peers - in fact has been to several parties lately of her preschool friends that many of the other school kids haven’t been invited to. She has play dates weekly and interacts well and appropriately with anyone from a few months old to her grandparents. I have trawled the internet for all signs, hidden signs, of autism, particularly in girls, and nothing resonates. She’s had probably one or two tantrums in her entire life and is easily calmed, and it was when she was knackered. She sleeps through, been out of nappies since age 2, and started talking properly around 18 months. She has a great memory and is incredibly funny, and displays a lovely empathy and understanding of others. Her writing is great but we have been arts and crafting since lockdown (she was 18 months when first lockdown happened). I’m truly not being biased here, I’ve tried to state facts of what I and close family see, as well as what new friends say about her.

I am the type to obsess and it’s driving me nuts. The GP said there’s nothing that concerns her from what I’ve said and to wait and see but I feel I’m analysing absolutely everything she does which is not how I want to live/parent.

Can anyone offer advice?

The teacher said in the same meeting "she's grammar school material that girl". I'm not an expert but isn't that a bit odd alongside what else she said?

I’m not sure what you mean by ^^this? DC can have autism and pass the 11+ - although I’m not saying your DD does have ASD.

What made you suspect ASD and mention this in particular?

Keeping an eye is no bad thing, some of what you write may indicate a need to keep an eye/review.

It isn’t uncommon for DC to present differently in different settings.

Thank you for your reply.

I don't know what I mean tbh as I don't know much about grammar schools yet.

I've never thought she has asd, I work in mental health (not asd) so have always been aware of it and most signs and symptoms. she used to get really annoyed about the way her ponytail was done but she's outgrown that now, but at the time I remember thinking it and reading more about asd, but it didn't check out. I feel like I'm searching for proof but can't find it. The teacher did say she could just be highly intelligent which is making me think she's mainly basing it on her reading ability, which is good but I wouldn't say genius level, and she's never become obsessed with anything (book/toy/friend) in particular, I'd say her interests are very wide ranging.

I'm feeling really frustrated as it was like the teacher dropped a bomb at the end of my 5 minute slot and we barely had time to understand what she meant/what she sees. I want to talk to her again so hopefully will do that

I don't see anything from what you've written that would make me think your dd is autistic. Being particular about a ponytail is a small child thing. If she was rigid in many areas of her life, and breaking routines or change caused intense upset (30 minute + meltdowns, upset that ruins a whole day), then you might have concerns.

I think you're describing an extremely bright, and sensitive child. I wouldn't downplay your daughter's academic ability - she's clearly reading far ahead of her age, maybe at KS2 level, and basic sums at 4 is also advanced. I think this is what the pre school teacher meant by grammar school material. Are you and your partner bright people? I think sometimes this skews perceptions of children's abilities - most people with a child who could read at a 7 year old level before school would be describing their child as extremely advanced!

It's also quite common for gifted children to prefer adult conversation. Obviously children can be both academically advanced and autistic, but they can also be one or the other. I was a gifted child, am definitely not autistic, and your daughter sounds a lot like me at her age.

I would be asking myself, "does she have daily struggles that either I need to accommodate, or that make her unhappy or her life unusually difficult?" It doesn't sound like that's the case. I don't think there's a reason to pursue a diagnosis or even think any more about autism at this time.

Something must have made you mention autism in particular in response to the KW though? Was that just the ponytail problems?

Do speak to the nursery again. I think the teacher was responding to your concerns, rather than trying to worry you. To give you an alternative view, if the teacher hadn’t mentioned anything, but at a later date it became apparent there was something that needed watching and the nursery had thought that earlier but hadn’t said anything you would, quite rightly, be annoyed.