Disciplining 8 y.o with suspected ASD and ADHD

[crunchingupeyeballshohohoho]

Hi all,
I'm posting on here as I sometimes find the Facebook groups very permissive, for lack of a better word. My daughter is on the waiting list for ASD and ADHD ax, which have been suggested by school. I didn't agree with the ASD one before but now I see the traits. I think I used to have an old fashioned view of quite introverted boys having ASD and not my lively, talks 19 to the dozen, not overly academic girl.

I'm really losing my way with what I should be doing with her in regards to meltdowns. She is averaging four a day, which has increased massively from this time last year, and we're also on holiday so that must be increasing the frequency.

Yesterday at the zoo she became very upset about us having missed a talk on giraffes which we didn't know was on. Insisting that the day was ruined. Wouldn't move from the spot, crying, couldn't be persuaded by seeing animals, going to the park, sitting in a crowded spot. Obviously I'm sort of telling her that there physically anything I can do, I can't go back in time.

She doesn't move, despite me walking off and coming back, hysterically crying. I say that her brother is bored and if we don't move on then she won't be able to spend her money in the gift shop. I don't know if this is the right thing, I have no clue.

She keeps screaming and crying until I tell her that she will lose her switch for the rest of the holiday and we will not be able to do anything nice on our last day if she Carrie's on, as it's been about half an hour now and she's in the direct sun at midday. She eventually comes along slowly, although doesn't really talk (exhausted?) for the next hour.

I don't know what I could have done differently. I always try to think of alternatives first, let's go and find a zoo keeper who can tell us about the giraffes, let's look at what other talks are on, let's go and find some shade and I can find facts on giraffes on my phone etc. But she doesn't react to them.
It's only sort of punitive, you will lose out, type 'punishments' which sometimes work; most of the time they don't. I really need some advise. Am I being too harsh? If it was my NT son having a meltdown about wanting an expensive toy, I would say no and that would be that. But she has these meltdowns about things which are entirely impossible to navigate;

• wanting to walk to school on her own. Not even with me walking ten paces behind.
• not wanting to give cards back in family board games.
• refusing to wear any kind of shoes on gravel or painful ground.
• wanting to eat copious amounts of seaweed from the beach.
• wanting to climb a cliff.
• wanting to steal something from the cafe I told her she couldn't have.

I'm just completely lost and feel I'm either giving in or saying no all the time.

part of the reason that girls with adhd/asd are so under diagnosed is they are much better at masking their traits/symptoms than boys, so don't be surprised if your daughter behaves differently to your preconceptions!

I work with children with adhd/asd, things I've learned r.e. meltdowns:

• empathy first. it's difficult for neurotypicals to understand why the smallest things can upset someone with asd, but the best thing to do is meet it with reassurance and understanding

• distractions. it seems like you're trying this already which is good, adhd is a malfunction of dopamine in the brain, so distractions need to provide some dopamine. a lot of the time your daughter will be frustrated and understimulated, but won't be able to explain this to you

• binary choices. adhd brains live in the here and now, when you're trying to get her to do something, offer a 1 or 2 option (you can do this tactically too! if you want her to go to bed in 10 mins, say "do you want to go to bed in 5mins or 10mins?" she feels in control, you get what you wanted)

hope this helped!

She is overloaded.

Try and catch the meltdown when it starts brewing - watch her body language .... don't let it go into full meltdown. A meltdown is saying she can't cope. Also, make sure she is drinking lots and well stocked up with food (if my boy is hungry / thirsty more chance of a meltdown)

Safety you have to be strict on. Rest of stuff she can do it - let her walk with no shoes - if she hurts her feet / pavement hot - she will be jumping into the shoes. Let her make her own mind on things that don't really matter that much.

How old is she? Can she walk with a friend to school? Is she road savvy?

Lots of things you stated that's her ASD - she is being controlling - that's the nature of ASD - that's when they feel safe when they are controlling. My boy is exactly the same - can you pick a quick board game? Slow ones they just get annoyed / lacking patience .... chess is a good board game for us as he's quite mathematical - would your daughter like that?

Unfortunately in our family NT children have to have more patience than ND child - they don't think it's fair and I bend the rules so much with the ND boy - but I have to make sure he's ok in order that everyone else has a better day.

I personally wouldn't say no switch - that's like the chill out time to ND children to regulate. It's like no coffee for you on a morning / glass of wine in an evening..... it sounds like she has done lots today ... maybe say we will go for 1 hr or 2 hr and we are going back home so she knows the limits.

Good luck!

fedup is spot on, pick your battles

Have you tried to keep a detailed diary &/or ABC charts to spot triggers and de-escalate before situations reach crisis point.

Some people find Ross Greene’s The Explosive Child book and Yvonne Newbold’s resources.

Punishing DD before behaviour related to a potential disability won’t help.

Is the school providing any support? Do they have anyone that can deliver interventions such as Zones of Regulation?

Nothing will get my DD out of a meltdown before she's ready. You need to try and stop her getting to that stage ( easier said than done!) With my DD predictably and letting the small stuff go helps a lot, as it gives her more energy to deal with the truely unexpected. We're also on holiday and she is struggling because she's tired, which makes her sensory issues so much worse. After a rocky start this morning she went for a nap and was so much better after,