Best secondary for ND DS? Grammar or not?

[ratteners]

Not sure if this is the best place for this but I'm giving it a go! Might also repost in secondary education.

I have a DS in y3. He is Neurodiverse - ADHD and dyspraxia and possible ASD. He is medicated for his ADHD and at school he achieves just above the expected standard for most subjects.

He is very bright - he saw an educational pyschologist this year and he scored exceptionally highly (98th percentile) in all areas apart from working memory and processing. This is all related to his ADHD (and maybe ASD) and explains why despite his high intelligence he doesn't excel academically. She explained he was twice exceptional which I know understand to mean he is gifted but has a learning impairment at the same time. He finds writing challenging physically and uses a laptop. He loves maths but again, his difficulties with focus hold him back. He loves all humanities and science but hates all the written content and requirements.

At school he is fine now he's medicated. He needs some pastoral support and has access to quiet spaces in the day if needs them. He uses them a lot at playtimes and lunches as he finds the playground too much. He needs quiet to rest and recharge. He absolutely hates PE and all sport because of his ADHD and dyspraxia.

We now need to start to think about secondary school and my DH and I are torn. We live a 15 minute walk (a pleasant walk) away from a smallish outstanding secondary school. It gets really good results and I don't know anyone who has anything bad to say about it. It's a very good school. They have a good SENCO and a reputation for inclusivity and being very welcoming and nurturing which I think is incredibly important.

We also live in a grammar area. We have several grammar schools within an easy 30/40 minute bus journey and every year, the 'top' children in his current school go off to these schools. Again these schools are very well regarded and the children do well.

I had previously ruled these out for my DS but since the Educational Pyschologist report, I'm now not sure. He's clearly capable in so many ways.

Socially, he is finding school a bit tricky and doesn't really have a solid group of friends, just a few he flits about with. A friend who's son goes to the grammar school said that actually the grammar school is full of quite quirky ND children and that actually she felt my DS would probably find his tribe somewhere like this. I wonder if she might be right about this? She said the SENCO is great and has a good understanding of the particular needs these children have.

If he went to the local school he would have a shorter day (home at 3:45 rather than 4:30) and more time for the things he loves. He's not a 'do every club going' kind of child. He's a 'come home and solve a Rubik's cube or compose a new song on the piano' kind of boy who values time and space to himself 🙂. I wonder if this would be overall better for his mental health?

He would be able to pass the test no problem, he's excellent at tests and verbal and non verbal reasoning is his absolute forte. If he had to do any kind of writing, he'd be screwed. But I know that passing the test is only half of it. He'd have to work hard and write wherever he goes, but is that going to be harder for him at a grammar school when (despite his high IQ tests etc) he's only just a bit above average and that's likely to be his reality.

I'd be interested to hear from others who have ND children, what they have found about secondary school so far. What has worked, what hasn't, what should I consider that I maybe haven't? Have any ND really struggled at grammar, or have they found it's been a good fit for them? I wonder if the bus journey alone will prove too much for him and end up making him feel miserable. I want to look round at the start of y4 as DS is already asking about the 11+ (he is keen to do it, but he doesn't really understand it) and I think he'd benefit from us saying 'no you aren't doing that' or 'yes we'll give that a go' as lots of his peers are already talking about it.

Ultimately I know that results and outcome wise my DC will do best in the school that's right for him, but I just am not totally sure I know which one that is?

I think it is decision based on individual schools rather than grammars v non-selectives as a whole. Some grammars are supportive, some aren’t. Just like some non-selectives are better than others. On that basis I would speak to both SENCOs and ask detailed questions. I would also see if you can speak to other parents with DC with SEN at the schools.

If DS wants to do the 11+ personally I would let him sit the test at least unless you think it will be distressing.

Hi, I can't give you our full experience exactly as DS will start in September, but, a few thoughts may help. As pp said, it will be more about the feel of the individual schools rather than a grammar vs non. In our case we looked round 2 grammar schools (super selective in our area) and DS immediately didn't like the feel of one but really liked the other. We also looked around the local comps, all ok, but still liked the grammar the best. In his case the grammar is slightly smaller than the other schools, the option to do classical Greek and things like that is a huge pull. He also worries about PE and similar and we were able to have a chat with SENCO on open evening who said pretty much what your friend did, it's a place with a pull factor for quirky, bright, nd kids. As I say, we are not there yet so it may well all fall apart but so far feels very positive, in spite of longish bus journey worries.

What I can say is if you do sit 11+, look early into how to apply for reasonable adjustments. If your DC habitually uses a laptop instead of a pen in school then this should be a reasonable adjustment that could be made for the exam for example. It is different from area to area but make those applications and get all your evidence in with as much advice from SENCO etc as possible. In our area application for reasonable adjustments are dealt with by an independent panel and then the exam consortium and schools are told what they have to do. On the day all sorts of little things ensured a non stressful experience for my DS, for example being given a specific entrance to areiveby along with a couple of other kids in similar circumstances so stressful queues could be avoided.

Apologies for many typos, I really should have read it back before hitting post!

@ElvenDreamer thank you that's so helpful. Did you find it easy enough to chat to the senco's before? Did you go to the open evenings for this or arrange a specific meeting.
I hope it goes well for you 🙂

Go to open evenings/days but also ask to speak to the SENCO separately as open events aren’t the right time to have detailed conversations.

@ratteners we spoke to them on the open evenings but it all honesty it wasn't always that easy, (mainly as trying to be fairly relaxed in presence of DS), was able to get a good general feel though and most said to feel free to pop them an email with any more questions.

Now waiting to hear from school about a slightly more extended transition etc, that will probably give me some indication as to if we've done the right thing! Good luck with your journey, feel free to shout if you have any other questions I can help with.