Hi,
I'm completely new to this but I don't know where to turn anymore. I'd appreciate any advice or even to hear from others about their own experiences because I feel like the only one unable to do this.
I have three children, all with SEN. My eldest and middle son have ASD. My youngest has ADD & PDA. I'm also a single parent.
It's never been easy but right now I'm at breaking point. My eldest has been in a specialist school since year 7 and the school is brilliant.
My youngest is in a mainstream primary school. He has just got his EHCP.
The problem is that both my eldest and youngest are constantly refusing to go to school. With my eldest, it's largely anxiety based. He was off for over a month and with the help of CBT, has just started going back. It's still hard work getting him in. He would usually get a taxi but often I have to take him or pick him up. It can take hours of talking in the mornings and evenings to hep him deal with this.
My youngest is the largest issue though. His self esteem suffered with the ADD. He went from being a confident little boy, to no longer believing in himself, saying he was stupid and saying school was pointless. He has a lot of issues and clearly his needs are not fully being met at school but specialist previsions are hard to come by.
He's gone from constant refusal to even go in or not making it until lunch time just after covid to then getting in between 9-9:30am almost every day.
The school continued to apply pressure, mostly via me. Attendance meetings and the threat of fines. Now my son has gone backwards and is refusing to go in.
I've contacted Early Help and my eldest sons school are heading up that meeting but I don't have a date yet.
I just don't know what to do. I can't see anything my youngest sons school puts in place is going to work at this point and it feels like they're just very good at making it look like they're ticking the boxes. I don't know how consistent or helpful they're being to my son during the school day but some things he tells me suggest they're not doing a lot. They seem to want to shift the blame to me, saying they have these things in place but he's not coming in consistently enough for it to work. The problem is, I don't think these things will work at all and the things I've asked for are apparently impossible.
The stress is making me unwell. I'm tearful, exhausted, and having panic attacks for the first time in my life. I've tried to work out where these feelings come from and pinpointed it to my youngest sons school. In the morning when my eldest is being difficult about school, I'm stressed but deal with it. In fact, I hardly have to say much to the school. They simply understand and trust that I'm doing all I can.
If my youngest refuses in the morning, the stress level is multiplied. Many mornings I have to take myself off because I'm tearful and don't want him to see. One morning I had a huge panic attack right there in the doorway. I know they're going to keep calling me to ask when he's coming in. They're going to mark him as unauthorised absence, they're going to show up at my door (which makes my son even less likely to go). They're going to remind me the council will send fines & that he's missing vital education, as if I don't already know.
I've thought about taking my youngest out of school too. It would be hard because he's very full on and school is my only break. He's not going to be easy to teach either but I'm starting to wonder whether it's less stressful and harmful long term than our current situation.
Thanks in advance for any ideas.