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Original poster

almost 7yo wakes every night

35 replies

pinklemonade84 · 06/04/2023 02:22

Dd every night without fail wakes up (it can be anytime between 11pm and 2.30 when she wakes) and just can't seem to go back to sleep for hours on end. She's now been up since 12.30 and it doesn't look like she'll be settling anytime soon

Her bedtime routine varies on whether it's myself or her dad settling her. But, each night starts with cuddles, brushed teeth and setting up her sleep sounds that she likes to listen to. I tend to get her into bed and then check on her every 10 minutes, gradually extending each gap. Whereas dh sits in with her until she's asleep

When she wakes in the night, we'll ask her what's wrong and we generally get "I don't know". We check if she needs the toilet, but more often that not she says no. The "I don't know" response is a very common thing with her as she really struggles to verbalise things (even during the day if she becomes upset). She's an anxious little thing, detests change and has had an awful school year because her teacher had to leave due to illness and she's had several other teachers since then. We also have some other concerns, but, school are supportive and on the ball and we're in the process of sending off a referral to community paediatrics

I've been backwards and forwards to her room now since she woke and I can feel myself starting to get frustrated. I don't show it as I just pop my head round the door, if she's still awake I say that I've come to check she's OK and I'll be back soon. Dh is sleeping downstairs tonight as he starts work at 6am and it would be so easy to just let her get in with me. But, we're trying really hard to get her out of this habit and have been for about a year now, with no real improvement

I'm just wondering if anyone has any tips to help with these middle of the night wakings please? We're all so tired (especially dh who can sometimes be on a later shift at work until 11pm) and we just want to help dd

OP posts:
cheeseandketchupsandwich · 06/04/2023 02:52

When she wakes, is she upset or quite content lying in bed until she falls asleep again?

Jemandthehologramsunite · 06/04/2023 02:54

I don't mean to sound harsh but why are you checking on her every 10 minutes? That sounds like when you sleep train a baby and usually that only lasts a couple of weeks before they learn to self settle. I feel that's treating her like a baby and maybe even inducing anxiety if she feels she needs to kept being checked on (and now expects it). Shes 7, she should have her bedtime routine then be staying in bed. What about an audio book to help her fall asleep? Maybe also a later bedtime? Is her room particularly noisy that she's being woken up? Can you make her room/bed something that's exciting so she wants to be there? A reward chart? Hopefully others will have more advice, but failing that could it be something medical and maybe some type of natural aids to help her sleep. Lavender oil, warm milk, bath before bed etc. Hope it gets sorted soon.

LadyJ2023 · 06/04/2023 03:03

Erm why are you constantly checking a 7 year old. Can totally see why she won't sleep she so used to yous going in and out all the time so basically your the ones unsettling her rather than making a proper sleep routine. Our 3 year old goes to bed at 7 , 10 minute story,tucked up and goes to sleep himself. Our twins are 2 they go at 6.30 same routine and our teens had the same until they were 10...all slept all night. Dont be in and out all the time you wouldn't like to be disturbed constantly

Jadviga · 06/04/2023 03:13

Sorry but I agree with pp - you've made a rod for your own back. If she wakes up that's fine - leave her to it. She'll fall asleep again on her own. You making a fuss just trains her to keep waking up.

If she's bored you could give her some books or audio stories to keep her mind busy until she drifts back to sleep. But otherwise just leave her to it and get some sleep !

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 06/04/2023 08:06

Thank you for the responses

@cheeseandketchupsandwich She cries herself to sleep if she's left on her own and when she wakes in the night. She's been so distressed before that she's heaved and then freaked out that she was going to be sick, so those nights then took even longer for her to get to sleep

Like I said, I extend the gap, so I start with a couple of 10 minute gaps, then 15, then 20 and so on. To be honest, she's normally asleep before I get to 20 minute gaps. I don't make a fuss when I go into her room, I just smile to her and then wave as I leave the room

@LadyJ2023 thats great that your twins and 3 year old can settle. But dd can't and I'm not willing to have her distressed to the extent that she heaves and gets herself even more upset

@Jemandthehologramsunite thank you for so many suggestions. I'm willing to try anything. Her bedroom is due a bit of a spruce, so I'm going to get her involved with that and see if it helps

OP posts:
CheshireCats · 06/04/2023 08:16

Jeez, she nearly 7!! Stop treating her like a baby- you and your partner have totally enabled this situation.
She doesn't not n d someone to sit with her while she goes to sleep. If she was going to sleep on her own, she would be able to go back to sleep on her own when she woke in the night.
Also, why the blinking heck are you checking on her every 10mins? What are you checking for?? She is 7 not a baby!!
How have you been "trying" not to have her in your bed for YEARS? You just tell her she's far too big and grown up for that now and then don't let her. If she comes into your room, take her back to her own bed. You and DP do the parenting and she will follow your rules.

OptimusPrime31 · 06/04/2023 08:22

Wow. These comments are harsh! Anxiety is a real thing and children can have it. People need to stop being so judgemental!

SpanielEye · 06/04/2023 08:29

It sounds like you are already aware, OP, that your daughter is very likely to be neurodivergent and you have got the ball rolling on this.

My DD wasn’t diagnosed with autism until she was 8, and I hadn’t noticed any issues with her development until she was 6 (what used to be described as ‘high functioning’, academically capable, makes eye contact, just suffering from anxiety … all the things that can delay or stop a girl from receiving a diagnosis)

With hindsight though, there were definitely some signs early on and sleep problems were amongst those signs.

My DD still goes through frequent phases of night waking now, even with melatonin to help her get to sleep. The disturbed sleep correlates to the level of stress in her life at any time. I can often see the triggers now, and it’s actually a useful barometer in terms of how she is dealing with things and a way of knowing what pressures to ease off on. We do now sometimes have weeks at a time when she does sleep through, when all is right in her world.

In practical terms, I make up a little bed on the floor beside ours in case she needs to come into our room in the night. All pressure about it off (as she feels guilty about waking people) and she knows she has full permission to come in if she has a nightmare or wakes up scared. No shaming or pressure. She usually goes straight back to sleep now. If she really can’t get back to sleep and knows it’s going to be a long night then she goes back into her room and quietly watches TV.

We’d tried everything before and I feel guilty looking back, she was just scared and overwhelmed.

I’d ignore all responses here from posters who don’t have children with neurodevelopmental disorders, as their responses will be of no use to you.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 06/04/2023 08:30

I expected this type of comments from AIBU, it's the whole reason I posted in parenting. For some support and advice. But, I guess that's beyond some people and their perfect parenting

OP posts:
SpanielEye · 06/04/2023 08:31

(Getting this thread moved to SEN parenting might be helpful, this site can be really horrible these days)

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 06/04/2023 08:32

@SpanielEye your response made me cry. I'm sorry your dd struggles in a similar way. But, thank you so much for understanding and the advice. I really appreciate it. I'm going to look into getting her a little ready bed to put near our bed and see if that helps

OP posts:
SpanielEye · 06/04/2023 08:37

It’s okay, it’s really hard.

There’s a Facebook page called Parents of autistic girls. It’s a really supportive place and you’ll find kind empathic people there. There is nothing wrong with your parenting. Just do what you need to to get some rest for all of you, and always stick with your gut instinct with your DD, that will never you wrong, regardless of whether others understand or approve or see it as ‘pandering’ x

SpanielEye · 06/04/2023 08:37

*never do you wrong

Karwomannghia · 06/04/2023 08:40

Ignore the ‘should’ comments.

Dd 6 goes through anxious phases finding it hard to settle and wanting us to stay with her. shes also prone to being sick when she’s upset which makes everything a bit more…exciting!
She’s got better with her yoto audio player to go to sleep to. I also made her a reward chart where she had to stay in her own bed for 5 nights in a row to get a little present- it just raises the expectations and motivation. She knows now what she’s got to try and do. We only occasionally get a visit after a bad dream.

Also make sure she’s ready for sleep- many neurodivergent kids genuinely find it difficult to sleep and medication can help them. Also she may need tiring out by exercise like swimming and also a snack before bed.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 06/04/2023 08:41

@SpanielEye the wanting us all to get some rest is how we ended up with her getting in with me a lot. When dh works late shifts, or for example today, starts at 6am, making sure that he gets sleep is important to me. And on the nights where she gets in with me, most nights she'll calm down and be asleep quite quickly. But, there's other nights where she just can't settle, even when she's with me

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 06/04/2023 08:46

Sounds like she is not associating bed with sleep so controversial option here that could work is
Put on the sounds and lights out unless using a nightlight put that on in her room, teeth brushed then Bedtime story happens downstairs with cuddles when finished it's straight up to bed with a quick kiss say you love her and you will see her in the morning then walk out. Do not check every 10 minutes it's disturbing her. Make her associate her bedroom at nighttime is solely for sleeping

TheWonderfulThingAboutTiggers · 06/04/2023 08:46

I was struggling with my daughter still coming into bed every night and we got a "ready bed" that we laid down on the floor next to my bed with a pillow and blanket. That was she could come in a be near us - she woke us the first couple of times but just knowing it was okay amd we weren't going to make a fuss and there was A Plan was enough to break the anxiety cycle so she just came in and fell asleep.

I think we had that for 18months or so and then she finally managed her bed at night. She still needed a bit of "settling" when first in bed until 10ish I think.

Funnily enough her sister is autistic and we suspect this child is, but not with enough symptoms probably to get referred!

quietnightmare · 06/04/2023 08:48

Also what about a cuddle pillow or a pregnancy pillow for her to cuddle?

New pjs and bedding to make her feel more settled

A new teddy/ for bedtime only

Lavender in her room to settle

Also you can get herbal liquids that you rub on her wrists and temples to relax her

TheWonderfulThingAboutTiggers · 06/04/2023 08:48

And yes I completely get the checking. Parents that haven't got kids with these issues/that settle easily of course won't understand 😔

Stripycatz · 06/04/2023 08:49

It sounds like she doesn't feel safe when she wakes up.
If she settles to sleep sounds at bedtime, can she put these on again herself in the night? Think about weening her off this crutch though, something like counting backwards from 100 is a better one.

See your school nurses, they can refer for her for a sleep assessment and offer other support.
In the meantime, can you get her a double bed so you can get in with her and creep away when she falls asleep (or fall asleep with her)?
Good luck. It's shit if you have a child who has difficulty sleeping.

Theelephantinthecastle · 06/04/2023 08:49

I really recommend the yoto player - as a PP said - my DS the same age wakes up, puts on a story or podcast and eventually goes back to sleep

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 06/04/2023 08:52

She does already have a yoto player, but I need to sit down with her and order her some new cards as she won't put it on at the moment for some reason

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 06/04/2023 08:53

@Stripycatz her school senco has referred her to the school nurse for a strengths and difficulties assessment. I'll ask about the sleep one too

OP posts:
jannier · 06/04/2023 08:54

She has sleep habits you've taught her she needs to sleep so can't self settle....we all wake in the night we don't remember because we self settle....she needs to be with an adult, with noise, with attention etc. She's not a baby do the bed time then leave ....if you fell asleep with one set of circumstances then woke up with it different it would really wake you up to.

RandomMess · 06/04/2023 08:57

Hugs to you and your DD.

I have always struggled with sleep. Turns out I'm neurodivergent and that often comes with too much adrenaline and retained reflexes.

One of my DC would be awake for hours in the night and barely needed any sleep so I took her for retained reflexes treatment it made a huge difference and quickly!

This is a mainstream treatment in Australia no idea why we are so behind in the UK I found out about it by chance.