Teen DD almost 18 stressed moody and overreacts

[JanuaryBlues2023]

My teen DD y13 has dyslexia (I picked up on this when she was 8 not school and a test we paid for confirmed this).

I have suspected she is maybe ND for sometime. My suspicions heightened during lockdown and her behaviour at home got much worse. Somehow at school she has always behaved ok and at a large primary and then a large comp she has always sailed under the radar. She refuses to acknowledge any issues or visit GP (for blood tests hormonal or thyroid etc etc) see a private counsellor etc etc. No other family members she is close to, to speak to and she would go absolutely mad if we spoke to school. I spoke to them during lockdown as she was being very moody, reclusive in her bedroom and was behind with her studies and she hates any unwanted attention (school let her know I had been in touch and this made the situation and our relationship much worse).

She can make friends but not easily but has struggled to keep friends since year 6 (except current best friend who maybe similar or she maybe in some sort of relationship with).

She is wanting to go to Uni and whilst we are supportive I really worry about how she will cope. She has had some offers but she is becoming very snappy, stressed, frustrated and extremely moody and over the top in her reactions to us again to the point where she can barely hold a civil conversation without loosing it.

She has a part time job and is fiercely independent and secretive. Buys clothes and snacks for herself when we would buy them or reimburse her (she has mainly mens clothes in her wardrobe (she hides new purchases and lies). She has not grown in height for awhile she is tall and has gone from a slim size 12/14 at 16 to a size 20 now. She refuses to eat properly mainly eating beige food, bingeing on chocolate and junk food, her diet is appalling. Her bedroom is filthy far worse than usual messy teenager.

As a mum how can i best help and support my daughter during year 13 and possible transition to uni away from school other than quietly, treading on egg shells and at arms length etc?

She won’t accept a cuddle and completely refuses any affection from myself and DH (her dad).

Does DD have access arrangements in place for her exams?

She will also be able to apply for DSA for university.

Have you considered an eating disorder? Either ARFID (you can still have it and be overweight) or BED?

Thanks for replying @JustKeepBuilding yes she reluctantly receives the extra time in all timed assessments but this has been a constant battle. I have shared her EP report with school at least half a dozen times and flagged this up with teachers each academic year at school and the school have agreed to extra time. I say reluctantly as she doesn’t like being singled out.

Yes, I have thought about an eating disorder and ARFID. I haven’t heard of the other one. But as she won’t go to the doctors or acknowledge she may have an issue and is 18 in a few weeks it is extremely difficult. Mealtimes can be a battle ground but now she makes her own which is usually a dried pasta soup type thing (mac & cheese or tomato), plain mashed potato, plain pasta with cheese, margarita pizza, rice on its own. occasionally she will have garlic bread, satay sauce or certain curry sauces (with no meat or veg and rice) or bread and balsamic vinegar and olive oil, rice with tomato soup, crisps, popcorn, pancakes with nutella, vanilla ice cream and any chocolate and almost any chocolate dessert.

What about other access arrangements such as rest breaks and a smaller room - doesn’t necessarily have to mean being singled out, there will be others who are in a smaller room.

If you suspect an ED you could look at resources such as BEAT who have an advice line you could call or ARFID awareness UK. Would DD take a multivitamin?

Thanks.

Any tips on how to talk to her re ND and support in way to not have her kicking off.

Re: the multi vitamin it would depend on how it tasted, what mood she was in, if she had time and how the wind was blowing etc. She can be very fickle. I have vitamin C with multivitamin tablets in the cupboard which her and DS both used to take but he is at Uni now and she only takes them if she has a cold.

It’s worth trying a selection of multivitamins. Some taste better than others.

Unfortunately much of what you say about ND is likely to be brushed off so I would go with small drips of information and perhaps leaving resources lying around/links to resources/playing resources whilst she’s around, especially from women. Purple Ella, Tania Marshall and Sarah Hendricks are a good place to start. There’s also Freaks, Geeks, and Asperger Syndrome and Sex, Drugs and Asperger's Syndrome books some find helpful. I think it is something DD has to come to terms with in her own time and pushing too much is likely to have the opposite effect.

Thanks for the suggestions. I don’t go on and on but have mentioned things only occasionally since lockdown.

Interestingly, Psychology is one of her A levels. Last week one night after mocks. She asked me if I thought X child (a girl from her Primary school) was autistic as she was in the room along with those receiving extra time like DD. I said I didn’t know as hadn’t seen her for a good while (DD used to be friends with her so she had been to our house in years 4-6 at Primary). I said she may have dyslexia or something similar why what do you think. DD then said the girl had a computer and really only the ones with autism get this and she scathingly said and she is very strange. Later on in another conversation she asked me whether I thought someone I works withs son had autism. I said possibly but his mum hasn’t said and I don’t think he has ever been tested. She said why on earth wouldn’t you have someone like him tested (he is 19 almost 20). I said it can be difficult sometimes a mum can suspect things but when I child gets to a certain age it can be difficult to do especially if the child isn’t onboard or able or willing to acknowledge this might be the case. She can be quite insightful but I don’t know why she can’t see how she behaves/reacts is a bit different/unusual or similar to a friend/work colleague’s son.

Those conversations might be DD’s way of processing your suspicions. For some, lack of insight into themselves and/or theory of mind can be part of their autism.

Many have laptops for reasons other than ASD.

Yes, possibly.

She is and always has been fiercely stubborn and independent. That I could never imagine her admitting to anything either she or someone else might deem might perceive as a weakness and she has always been like this since she could speak.