Highly sensitive child penalized for lack of confidence

[LongStoryShorty]

My DD is in year 1 and got a report that was not a true reflection of her abilities, throughout she was penalized for being shy/ highly sensitive and lacking confidence to speak in public.

For ex, she was born in Spain and can speak Spanish. Here we kept up with Spanish lessons twice a week, I speak to her 1hr a day in Spanish. She got below because she won’t say hello in Spanish in front of the whole group. This was the same in several other areas too.

Teacher knows she’s highly sensitive, I will be requesting for a meeting with her as I’m very upset that they are not finding ways to assess her true abilities. If the whole school system is based on her lack of confidence to speak in public rather than actual ability it makes me so angry. This is who she is and it’s unlikely to change in her school years, it doesn’t mean she’s not clever, hard working or have good abilities.

I thought I will suggest to her to keeping DD in front closer to her, but I wanted to post here as someone might have some good advice to what the teacher could do to help this situation.

I think you're doing the right thing to stay involved by speaking with the teachers about what is going on. But you need to rethink your reaction.

It's natural to feel defensive, but you're so defensive that you're fighting and denying what you're being told. The teacher is not the enemy. You need to deal with reality.

I had such a hard time with public speaking when I was at school that I couldn't do it. My parents did not take the problem seriously. That meant that I had to deal with it later on at university and at work, where the consequences for not being good at it were much more serious.

The bottom line is, you need to focus on working together with the teacher to solve this problem. There are ways to improve your daughter's confidence. It will improve anyway as she gets used to communicating in English.

Instead of thinking about this as a failure, think about it another way. Your daughter has dealt with HUGE changes. She can speak two languages. She has adjusted to a new country and culture. These are major achievements. It is not surprising that she feels shy about doing things in front of other kids. She probably realizes they are more comfortable with certain things than she is. Maybe talk to a child therapist or her doctor about how to help her adjust.

Don't worry. This situation will improve as she becomes more confident with English and the culture here. But don't make the mistake of fighting people who are telling you what's happening. I have seen this exact same situation happen in my own family, where my cousin's daughter has just moved to the UK from Spain and is also adjusting. It gets better.

Good luck.

she can actually speak 3 languages. I am angry because I am sure on some level it is illegal to penalize her for being shy. I understand it’s hard for them to give her points for Spanish if she’s not speaking at school, but they should be finding ways to help and clearly only assessing for public speaking is not the way. I am not even asking them to give more difficult work, which I would have the right to do, I am just wondering what they could do in class that would helo her speak up. Having her closer to teacher, smaller groups etc.

it wasn’t just Spanish either, it was in 7 different areas where she got rated below her actual abilities for lacking confidence. It’s also taken into consideration in behavior which was good instead of excellent because she’s not confident. There’s more to school and life than being confident.

Last year she had a great teacher and really did improve so much, was doing show and tell etc. I don’t know what is happening this year.

We are awaiting referral to the doctor privately.

@LongStoryShorty, well, I explained my point of view but you're too upset to listen. You are not helping your daughter with this attitude.

You need to calm down and realize that you cannot win a fight against the world. Kids need to be able to communicate. You need to focus on helping your daughter to do that. I explained that she'll improve as she becomes more comfortable with the culture and language. It will happen. You can speed it up by asking the teacher for advice on how to help her, what she needs to improve on.

It's possible that the teacher is seeing things you're not seeing. So work with the teacher, not against the teacher, to find solutions. Don't worry, this will improve. Good luck.

My intention is to brainstorm for ideas to help her/ help her school see her abilities as clearly what’s we’re seeing at home is very different to what we’re seeing at school,

I agree confidence and public speaking are important, but giving her a poor report when her actual ability is good-exceptional is definitely not helping her confidence.

You say 'penalised'.

Is she being impacted in what she is being taught because she won't speak out, or is this 'penalty' only in being scored down in reports?

As she moves up the school, more will be assessed based on written work and less on verbal. However there is no getting away from the fact that a child who doesn't speak / answer questions is doing 'less well' in school than one who produces similar written work but who will speak out.

I would absolutely ask to work with the school to produce a plan to help her speak more at school.

what’s we’re seeing at home is very different to what we’re seeing at school,

This is common, SEN or not.

Rather than focusing on the report as the school can only report and assess based on what DD displays there, and unfortunately MFL assessment criteria include speaking, focus on how to support DD. It is not illegal to penalise (although accurately reporting achievement isn’t penalising) someone for being shy. Being shy isn’t a disability. If DD was struggling to speak due to a disability that would be a different matter. What assessment is DD waiting for?

It is not uncommon for bilingual DC to be behind initially, things even out as they get older.

@LongStoryShorty, I would pay attention to the advice from @TeenDivided. You're not going to be able to change the school's grading system. Focus on working with the teacher to help your daughter. Many kids behave differently at school than they do at home.

Like @TeenDivided said, this will be less of a problem in the future as your daughter becomes older and written work becomes more important.

For now, don't share the report information with your daughter. Tell her only that she needs to work on speaking and you'll practice that together.

I work at an institution where students have to speak in public. If they don't, they don't graduate. Some of them have such extreme anxiety about public speaking that they become unwell with stress or drop out of education. I don't understand why their parents let them reach adulthood and go through so much stress without trying to solve the problem. You need to help your daughter overcome this problem. Ask to meet with the teacher and work out a plan. Don't worry. Things will improve.

I don't understand why their parents let them reach adulthood and go through so much stress without trying to solve the problem.

How do you know they haven’t? There are disabilities that prevent or seriously hinder people speaking in public that can’t be ‘solved’. Reasonable adjustments are a legal requirement.

If a child won't speak in class, then they can't ask for help easily.

What can she do at school? Is it just speaking in front of the whole class that's an issue, or small group / 1-1 as well?

What can she do out of school? Can she say hello to a family friend, or ask to pat someone's dog, or order her choice of ice cream somewhere?

Is one of the assessments DD is waiting for a SALT assessment? If not, it’s worth looking whether you can self refer in your area and if you can’t asking the GP for a referral.

Rubbish. Teachers judging ability based on confidence and speaking out is all wrong. My son is like yours OP, shy and won't speak out (he has ASD). He got all 8's and 9's in his GCSE's, he doesn't speak out in class though but obviously wasn't doing 'less well' than those who were as shown by his grades. In an MFL GCSE the students wouldn't be speaking in front the whole class so it will be irrelevant in any exams and ds chose Latin which has no speaking at all (he chose it for that very reason).

I was also the same at school, I remember being shamed by more than one teacher for not being confident - as if that was going to help or encourage me to speak up more! I was then, at the end of my first year at secondary, put in for the lower maths ability tests based on me not saying anything. I did so well I was told I had to do the higher level maths tests, I then did so well in those that I was one of 3 students that had to do an extension! Judging ability on confidence is just BS.

I would turn it back on the teacher ask what she is going to do to make your dd feel safe and secure enough to speak up in class, if that is what is so important to her. If dd feels that it is a safe place to get things wrong and make mistakes then she will be much more likely to speak up, if she's going to get a disapproving look and told she's wrong or have the class laugh at her then she has no chance. The teacher needs to work up to this as well, get her confident talking 121 with the teacher, then with a small group and then in front the class, at each stage starting by asking her questions she is confident she knows the answer to.

It's quite possible that school knocked the confidence out of her, it did me - last year of primary, I was very clever and confident, teachers pet and then the Head took the class one day and I put my hand up and answered a question, it was a difficult spelling and for some reason I spelt the word using letter sounds rather than letter names,. Although I'd got it right he told me that he would have thought by my age I'd be spelling words using letter names and went on and on in such a tone that it made me feel like a humiliated 5 year old in front of all the class. I can tell you that put me off putting myself forward any more.

Surely verbal skills is one of the things a primary school should be reporting and commenting on and trying to improve? It would be equally unfair to only report on written output surely?

Latin isn’t a MFL and it isn’t a subject that is available to all or even most students. Even though GCSE MFL doesn’t involve speaking in front of the whole class, verbal ability in class does feed into termly assessments.

Being shamed and humiliated isn’t the same as the teacher accurately reporting achievements in school. Not speaking in class doesn’t prevent pupils achieving high GCSE grades, but that doesn’t mean teachers shouldn’t report on it in termly assessments.

@JustKeepBuilding, because this is a very rare problem for older kids and students in most other countries. Our kids have this problem because we don't see it as a problem and try to correct it. And unfortunately, because there's always, always someone eager to paint the kid as a helpless victim who has some disability or condition.

Let me be clear. There certainly are disabilities. If this parent has no reason to think her child has one, however, the problem is most likely that the kid needs time to adjust to speaking a different language and living in a different country. What will help the child will be for the mother and teachers to work together on improving the child's performance and confidence, NOT coming up with excuses that will stop progress.

@Choconut, that is horrible advice. You're far too combative with teachers. The teacher has reported a problem. That is the teacher's job. It is a parent's job to work with the teacher to agree on what is going on and come up with a solution.

Your child is much older than the OP's kid. Younger children do need to learn verbal skills. They do need to learn to overcome shyness that's getting in the way of life.

I had truly crippling shyness as a child. When I went to the USA as a student and later to work, there was no tolerance for it. I was expected to get up and speak in front of people frequently and if I couldn't, I'd miss out on opportunities and good grades. It was an incredibly hard thing to overcome and if my parents had made an effort when I was a child, it would have been much easier and saved me years of stress. You are not helping your child by making excuses. You should be doing your very best to work with the teachers on trying solutions.

The OP clearly thinks there is a reason to think her DC has some kind of SEN otherwise she wouldn’t a) have posted on the SEN boards, and b) be awaiting assessment.

A disability that prevents or significantly hinders public speaking is not an excuse. Would you say the same about a child in a wheelchair who is unable to run? Neither are such disabilities very rare in other countries.

That doesn’t mean the OP shouldn’t push for more support for her DC, but your post was ignorant.

You were shy, which in itself isn’t a disability. There is a vast difference. Again, many with disabilities can’t overcome this.

@JustKeepBuilding, the OP doesn't accept that there's a problem. The OP doesn't respect what the teachers have to say. Now you're saying the kid must be disabled? That's a major disconnect.

This is a very young child who is dealing with major changes. There is zero evidence from anyone that there's a disability. Please stop. This child may indeed have a disability but that's something to explore with a medical professional. It is not helpful to diagnose strangers or to give parents who are refusing to listen to teaching staff excuses to keep dismissing observations.

No I won’t stop. You are the one posting ignorant posts.

I didn’t try to diagnose OP’s DD. If you think that you need to re-read my posts as nowhere did I suggest a diagnosis.

I didn’t say OP’s DC definitely was disabled, I said the OP obviously has a reason to believe she could be, especially if you search OP’s other posts.

OP does accept there’s a problem otherwise her DD wouldn’t be awaiting an assessment.

@JustKeepBuilding, it's not clear what you're saying. You're not helping by advising a worried parent to ignore observations from teachers. I have no doubt you'll come back and deny doing that or provide some other excuse for turning this poor kid into a patient who should be left to have problems. This is exactly the attitude that prevents so many British kids from overcoming their problems and getting the educations and jobs they might want.

No quote with where I tried to diagnose OP’s DD then? Funny that. Can you instead provide ones for where I said OP should ignore observations from the teacher or where she “should be left to have problems”? You will struggle because I said no such thing.

My posts are perfectly clear and do not prevent pupils in the UK achieving their full potential with the correct support.

If OP’s DD is awaiting an assessment she is a patient. But I didn’t say she should be left with her difficulties without any support. Quite the opposite.

What’s not helping is your ignorant posts.

So DD does speak in English at school, we were told by the teacher she speaks in pairs, small groups and to the teachers. Not in front of the whole class.

She’s awaiting assessment for autism, although we have had second thoughts about going through with it as don’t want it to affect her employability later on.

I wonder if the teacher gave her a bad report as she knows she’s awaiting assessment. In the parents evening she was saying DD was doing really well, confidence and writing were the only issues. Now suddenly she’s behind in 7 areas, including ones were we know she’s definitely not behind.

Any potential autism diagnosis wouldn’t affect employability later on.

As DD is awaiting an ASD assessment have you considered selective mutism? It can be a comorbidity.

The teacher wouldn’t give DD a bad report because she is awaiting an assessment.

I did consider that previously, but she is speaking (english) at school since last year so I thought she doesn’t have it. She didn’t speak anything at school in Spain, even to say her name. She spoke in her spannish lessons today (when I told her to say bye). I don’t know why she won’t speak spannish at school, it’s so easy as well what they learn at school, just saying hello. She has been saying this since she was two and was using it daily in the community. I thought I will record a short video of her speaking in spannish to show her teacher so she doesn’t think we are just saying she does speak spannish. And I will tell DD that her teacher will know now she can speak in spannish so will be expecting her to speak up. She has today agreed she will speak in Spannish at school. The teacher said in the last parents evening when she found out about it that DD could be her little helper, I think she was quite excited to have someone able to actually speak the language.

DD speaking at school in some circumstances doesn’t rule out SM.