ASD - awful anger

[Whatmarbles]

My dd was diagnosed with ASD after presenting with low self esteem and apathy. She is 16 now.
She was under CAMHS for about 2 years prior to diagnosis, diagnosed when in year 9 at 13.
She asked to be discharged from CAMHS when 15 after refusing to engage. Personally, I found them supportive and helpful, though she refused that help.

Her anger is off the scale. She thinks nothing of thumping and kicking my dh (her dad).
I disengage with her when she is 'that way out' as there is nothing that calms her, in fact I seem to incite her further.

Is anger in ASD normal? Is her level of anger normal? She can literally rant and rage for hours, hitting wall, slamming doors, hitting herself on rare occasions.
I did have a chat with the GP who referred her back to CAMHS, they wrote back saying she didn't meet the threshold.

How on earth do we deal with such an angry child? 😭

Hitting others is not acceptable, at some point she is going to have to join the real world where she can't hit people. A diagnosis of ASD means she may need parenting differently, but still needs you to be a parent. As hard as it is, you need to give her boundaries. If you don't, who will?

@tinyem77 does your ASD child, or whoever it is in your life who is autistic, have anger issues?

Is she angry all the time or just during meltdowns? My DD, who is admittedly a lit younger, can hit and kick and throw things during meltdowns. We and school have been working with her on alternatives to this, but the main focus is on identifying her triggers and avoiding them. You can't reason with an ASD child when they're in meltdown, some like cuddles but my DD is best just left alone ( usually hiding under something) until she calms down.

Yes, they do, but teaching her about the real world means that when she's older, she can't hurt people. How would I be equipping her for the world if I let her think that aggressive behaviour is the way to go?? She'd be in prison

You are making massive assumptions that are way off the mark. And I find you extremely insulting and rather ignorant in all things ASD. You may have a small child, I don't know, until you have a teenager with raging hormones and ASD, you have no bloody idea.

When you have a 5'11" 16 year old having a meltdown, telling them to calm down is the worst thing you can do.

As @Jules912 said, you can't reason with them. When the angry part of the brain is active, it is front and centre and no other part of the brain gets a look in, you need that anger to subside before rational brain is back in play.

As a parent of a teenage ASD daughter, I've spent my life trying to help her navigate the world, she gets angry, she cannot hurt people. How am I helping her if she thinks she can? I'm angry, frustrated, sick with a world that my daughter struggles in, yet, I know that the world won't change, unfortunately my beautiful, amazing daughter has to. So my job is to give her the tools she needs, because, you know, people are different

Oh, and my daughter presents as not ASD, so we get it all at home, she holds it in at school, home is another matter. We get the crying and screaming and uncontrollable. It's shit, and I get that we're 'lucky' she holds it together at school, however, I'm sad that she has to hold it in. Wouldn't the world be perfect if a hidden disability was as obvious as a normal disability and I didn't have to keep explaining what is wrong with my (asthetically) gorgeous, blonde 15 year old, who doesn't understand your comments 🤷🤷

Have you looked at Yvonne Newbold’s resources?

Has DD had OT and SALT assessments? Does she have an EHCP? How is school?

Keeping a detailed diary will help you spot the triggers to try to prevent and deescalate situations before they reach the point of no return.

It was probably couldn’t engage rather than wouldn’t engage. The methods need adapting so DD can get to a point where she can engage. Rather than direct therapy what about indirect therapy such as animal assisted, art therapy, gaming therapy…

If you can get a NVR course or similar funded some people find that helpful, and if you haven’t already read it The Explosive Child.

She has left school now, hated it but managed to do well in her GCSE'S.
She's doing an apprenticeship now.

I shall look at the resources you mention, thank you.

How is the apprenticeship going? Does DD have an EHCP, and has she had OT and SALT assessments?

Apprenticeship is going well, they seem to like her. It will be as time progresses and she becomes comfortable with them that her true self will be shown. That concerns me.
She has told her employer that she has ASD.

She doesn't have an ehcp and she has never had OT or SALT involvement.

She saw a psychologist for her low moods, they suspected ASD so she saw a psychiatrist, then had an ADOS assessment. Saw a psychologist a couple of more times and that was that.

It sounds like DD is masking when at her apprenticeship. This could be resulting in the coke bottle effect. If day to day life at DD’s apprenticeship was easier, home life would likely improve.

It is worth considering requesting an EHCNA.

@JustKeepBuilding what would be the benefit of this?

It is an avenue to more support which will help with emotional regulation and preparation for adulthood, as well as help for DD’s mental health. I know you said she wouldn’t engage with CAMHS, but it is probably couldn’t engage and the approach needs changing so she can engage.

My 9 year old has emotional disregulation at school but not at home - generally. It seems to be sensory related and triggered by the environment. I don’t know if you’ve been able to identify any triggers?