I'm increasingly concerned about DD 5

[partypingola]

This has been a very difficult summer so far and I am increasing concerned about DD 5. Up until now I would have thought of her as somewhat quirky and emotionally complex. Now
I think she may be neurodiverse and I don't know what to do.

One the one hand no one has ever expressed any concern at nursery or school. She hit all her milestones as a
baby and fit in fine at childcare settings (if a bit slow to warm up). She eats well (in fact is quite adventurous)
and sleeps well and is generally quite easy going, I've certainly never had to tell her off.

She makes eye contact and responds to her name.

On the other hand, she finds it very tricky to wind down and will easily stay up until 11pm if I don't work hard at getting her to bed. She still soils after an issue with constipation as a toddler. She flaps her hands and flick her fingers when excited. School have flagged poor fine motor skills but she is met or exceeding all other areas.

She does seem to have issues with some social interaction - and will ignore and reject family members other than me and her aunts who she is close to. She gets upset if her babysitter comes or if her grandparents come and won't interact with certain family members much. I went to the sea side with my mum and DD last week and DD pretty much ignored my Mum from start to finish.

She gets upset in big groups / at parties

She is extremely clingy to me although managed school well she completely refused all organised summer activities.

She plays nicely with toys but prefers to play alone and often runs about acting out a tv show that she likes. She is obsessed with one TV show to the exclusion of all others and would watch it all day if I let her.

She can't really handle playing in a big group and prefers to have one friend at a time but does seem to find play dates somewhat stressful and doesn't constantly seek them out.

School say she's popular and always has someone to play with.

Writing it out it doesn't sound severe. But it is affecting family relations as my mum was a bit upset that DD rejected her so completely when we were away. And it is a strain for me that I feel I can't leave her with anyone.

Also if there are issues I really want to understand them and support her properly.

She sounds quite like my DD2 who did get a diagnosis of ASD when she was 8 - but, some big buts here, she would never have got the diagnosis if we hadn't gone privately as she masks and copes so well at school... and she's also academically doing well, and an absolute joy to have in the class and causes no one any bother - hence she wouldn't have got a diagnosis on the NHS!

I mention all of that because you seem terrified she's neurodiverse - if she is, she is still exactly the same little person she is now that you know ever so well - she's as much her, as Marathon chocolate bars remained their usual peanut chocolate thing when they were renamed Snickers. It took me a while to get my head around that - but I found it a huge comfort (I haven't told DD2 I was mentally comparing her to a chocolate bar).

What I'll also say is it's worth keeping it in mind and keeping notes of behaviours that concern you - if she's chugging along fine now, it might be that she does find it harder going up the school (year 4/5 seems to be a real sticky point) as the social demands and complexities become a bit harder to navigate. For now though I'd just enjoy her, give her loads of cuddles and giggles and keep an eye on getting any information that might help you if you need to look into it later on.

Thank you so much for your lovely, sensitive message.

I don't think I'm terrified she's ND more that she seems to have changed so much from last year. She spent last summer being very social but doesn't want to have any play dates or activities this summer.

It could well be that social interactions have become more difficult and complex for her.

I would like a private assessment but not sure where to go - any advice?

It sounds school don't know her very well (or she is very different at school) you could ask their senco to do some observations. Sorry can't help with private as we did nhs. This is a rough time line. -
18m self referred to salt
20m spoke to hv at 2 year review
25m saw paediatrician who referred to pathway.
3 year and 3 months had autism assessment, diagnosis given.

If you go down nhs route it's usually school that put referral in and they would observe her first but think two years is a typical wait time for over fives.