Am I expecting too much from school? Or am I one of THOSE parents?

[JustAnotherSnowflake]

I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with DS primary school; he’s heading in to YR6 in September.

DS is on the pathway for ASD and ADHD assessments; these were instigated by me as we have a strong family history of diagnosis and I’m almost certain DS has ASD. He is beginning to struggle (mainly at home but as a result of things which have happened at school such as friendship issues, not understanding certain topics etc). Academically, he is doing very well and he does have friends.

When I told his school we were seeking assessment , they dismissed me saying they do not believe DS to be autistic, he is sociable and does not lack empathy. They said there were DC who have more issues than DS who are struggling to get help. I’ve asked for some very minor adjustments to help DS and whilst they’ve agreed to do them, they have also said they don’t feel it necessary.

His teachers say they do not see any problems with DS but then they told me DS was moving around too much during lessons and repeatedly talking to classmates in spite of many warnings. I explained that this was also noted by us parents and the same continuous movement was noted by a professional at one of our appointments.

When I asked at a later date about whether there was any improvement with this, they said it was never an issue in the first place and most of the children had ants in their pants post pandemic. They do not believe DS to have any kind of SEN, ASD or ADHD.

DS was feeling down about school as he says he is told regularly to stop moving around and to stop talking but he says he can’t stop even when he tries really hard. He will talk to his classmates, be told to stop and then is talking again minutes later which understandably, is annoying for the teacher.

It was upsetting him so I approached his teacher to ask if I could provide him with some small sensory toys to help him concentrate and act as a distraction. Again, they agreed but on a very short trial basis and I could almost hear the teachers eyes rolling in her head. It’s making me feel very reluctant to approach them; I almost feel they think I’m exaggerating or even making it up!

Has anyone else experienced this? Am I expecting too much?

I don’t think you are asking too much. Schools should make their best endeavours to meet a pupil’s SEN. Unfortunately, some schools often say children are ‘fine’ when they are anything but.

The school is being unreasonable, not you. And yes you have to be THAT parent.

Yes you will have to be that parent sadly. The empathy thing is bollocks and shows huge ignorance on their part. My DD was diagnosed at 8, she can be really sociable and charming but it is on her terms and it exhausts her. The teachers sound very uneducated about neurodiversity.

Our ds with ASD already had a diagnosis and we found that our state primary persisted in saying ‘he is fine’ and ‘he is meeting expectations’ and ignored my concerns he was stressed and having meltdowns ++ at home. I think this was because they had too many other kids with greater issues to manage - teachers are stretched. (We ended up moving to a private school who have been brilliant, but as recognise that schools are all different, as are dc’s individual needs)
I don’t think you are being unreasonable - you only have a year left of primary and I presume a different teacher next year so maybe work on getting the diagnostic assessments, figuring out how to manage yr6 if school are enjoy that helpful and working out which of your secondary options could support your dc best. Good luck,