Can anyone give me some moral support/advice

[Schooldilemma2345]

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post but here goes.

We have had some very tricky issues with my middle son (9) at school over the last year or so. Yesterday, at pick up I was told about an incident during a PE lesson where he stormed off telling another pupil to F off and then threw a rock over the fence which then hit a parked car on the lane below. It’s dented the car. It was difficult to discuss this with the teacher at the gate because he was handing over other children and there were other parents present. It was the last day of term and my 7 yo was begging to go to the park. I was informed that the head was not yet aware of the incident as he’d been in meetings all day and still was. I was understandably shocked to hear this had happened- I was incredibly apologetic and said I would discuss it with my child at home and perhaps the head could phone me once he was out of the meeting.
He actually phoned my husband and said that the teacher was disappointed I hadn’t stuck around to discuss it more. When I phoned the head back I tried to explain that it was very difficult to talk at the gate and that we are absolutely taking it very seriously and that I’m extremely concerned to hear about what happened.
In January the head called me to say that my son had thrown a rubber at someone in his class and had been removed from the lesson but wouldn’t discuss with the head what had happened. The head asked me to collect him from school because, in his words, he couldn’t keep him safe. At this point he mentioned an ed psyc assessment. I feel like this was actually a threat rather than a constructive suggestion. It did feel like a bit of an overreaction at the time but I’m concerned about his behaviour and also he is struggling in lessons, not completing work and not very happy. In our conversation yesterday I asked about this assessment and when it would happen. The heads response was that there isn’t an issue with learning and that we should pause to accept the gravity of what has happened rather than try to excuse this behaviour.
I feel so judged as a parent! I tried to convey that there must be something going on for him to act in this way, that anger is rarely a primary emotion and that we all have a duty to support him. He absolutely knows that what he has done is wrong and he will be writing to the teacher whose car it was, we will pay for damage, etc, etc.
He doesn’t behave like this out of school. He is very sensitive, empathetic and really quite easy here. He has always got overwhelmed easily and as a toddler he frequently hit other kids- but he’s generally pretty gentle now. Bad behaviour is always when he’s dis-regulated but that normally stems from feeling overwhelmed or over stimulated.I have suspected some mild sensory processing issues but tbh he seems secure and settled at home.
He is struggling to get work completed though, he finds writing particularly arduous and his written work doesn’t really reflect his ability or intelligence. He reads at a young adult level and has a huge vocab but doesn’t demonstrate it in written work.

My questions are:
Is it reasonable to be pushing school to take a more holistic approach to these behavioural issues?
Where do I start to get some sort of assessment? I was presuming that school would be the first port of call.
Does any of this strike a chord with anyone here? Both the behavioural issues- angry outbursts/rage/loss of control and the learning issues.
His behaviour seems pretty extreme at school- how can I get the school to see beyond what appears to be a naughty child and help to get to the bottom of what’s happening.

Thanks if you’ve read this epic post. Sorry it’s so long.

What support are the school currently providing?

Have you asked the GP for a referral for an assessment? In some areas you can self refer to CAMHS, ASD assessment, SALT, OT (not all areas commission sensory OT but its worth trying a referral).

An EP assessment is a good idea. Schools EP time is limited, they don’t suggest it unless they think it is actually needed, it isn’t a threat. You should apply for an EHCNA as an EP assessment must be included in it as well as other assessments. IPSEA have a model letter you can use on their website.

The head asked me to collect him from school because, in his words, he couldn’t keep him safe.

Was this a formal exclusion? Or an informal, illegal exclusion.

Thank you for replying. I don’t fully understand all the acronyms but I’ll Google.
it wasn’t a formal exclusion- it was expressed in the same vein as if he was unwell and so needed to be picked up. There was no follow up or communication referring to having been sent home. I felt it was somewhat knee jerk at the time.
I was in full agreement of a EP assessment but it hasn’t been discussed since. I would very much like to pursue it in light of the latest incident but it feels as though the school are less willing now- as though it is now just bad behaviour which need to be disciplined rather than a learning issue which would warrant a EP assessment.

I’m not sure if this makes sense- i feel very out of my depth. The picture the school is painting is very different from the child I know at home.

ASD = autism spectrum disorder
SALT = speech and language therapy
OT = occupational therapy
EHCNA = education, health and care needs assessment i.e. the needs assessment before the LA decide whether to issue an EHCNA or not.
IPSEA - is a charity that provides support for parents on SEN matters.

Its not uncommon for children to behave differently in different settings.

In future if the school ask you to pick DS up like that refuse unless given formal exclusion paperwork. It was an unlawful exclusion and should not have happened.

You don’t need the school to agree to an EP assessment. If you apply for an EHCNA and the LA agree to assess an EP assessment must be part of it. If the school or LA put you off don’t listen, they often incorrectly tell parents their child won’t get or doesn’t need one.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was a combination of some/all of:

• sensory overload


• frustration at not being able to do certain things as well as others


• comments / bullying from others

My DD1 struggled to organise herself and express herself on paper, and has sensory issues, also poor motor skills. She has a dyspraxia diagnosis.

Have a look at: dyspaxia, dyslexia, ASD, ADHD and see if anything with any of those jumps out at you. They have overlapping presentations.

Maybe try some 'wondering' with your DS. 'I've been thinking about what happened, I was wondering whether maybe someone had said something to upset you? / you were frustrated your couldn't do PE as well as others ....'

Also maybe some talking about different ways of responding that would get him in to less trouble.

I feel like I am promoting an event tonight, but we have a Family SEND day online on Saturday and are running a session for children who struggle getting things down on paper etc.
There will be over 30 Specialist SEN staff at the event to talk to, many are very experienced with unpicking what is causing the dysregulation.
Might be worth a look:
www.eventbrite.com/e/292411238887
We do these events at weekends and minimum pricing, as so many families are struggling to have their child's needs met.