DS severely lacking social skills

[ilove8pm]

this is my first go at posting on mn, please forgive any errors! I am just looking for any views or guidance you can offer re my ds age 5. Since starting school (he is now in his second year) ds has been struggling very badly with the social aspect of it all. His teacher is pleased with his work in class and his progress, but he cannot manage play times or anything which involves social interaction. It seems to be getting worse with time. His reluctance to attend school is now resembling school phobia. Ds always says he cant bear social times but loves doing work in class.
Having just returned from a class gathering I am feeling really sad and worried. I watched DS tonight and he just does not know how to interact with others, like he isnt picking up on nuances in play and comes across as a bit odd. In turn his playmates spent the whole afternoon telling tales on him, telling him to come and sit with me, basically pushing him away.

From my brief description it may not sound severe, but it really is. I feel like something just doesnt add up and at the moment am desperate to help him. I wonder if it is a medically based issue or not.Does it ring bells with any parents reading it? Thanks for reading this long message, happy new year to you all p.s sorry if this wasnt most suitable place to post this.

when ds1 was at nursery his lovely teacher urged us to get a diagnosis for him as she firmly believed it would help him in the future if there was seen to be a reason for the way he was instead of people being able to dismiss it as 'bad behaviour'

we've not had any negative consequences from getting a dx - but ds has had plenty of appropriate help along the way

without a dx he'd have been the same ds, but there may well have been much less understanding and support offered to him and us

niecie, i think it is a sensory thing - trying to figure out what things feel like, and a more satisfying feedback than touching things. some folk with ASD have hypersensitivity to touch, others want to 'feel' stuff in every way possible, so there you go. that's the way i'd explain it anyway

The other thing about a dx is it simplifies explanations. I could say DS has behavioural problems that mean he does x,y and z and it could sound like I am making it up or making excuses. If I say he has AS then everybody knows we are talking about a specific condition that needs to be taken seriously even if they don't initally understand what AS is.

Thanks gigglewich. I just wish I knew why it had started now and whether it is just a phase. He keeps giving himself mouth ulcers as he cuts the inside of his mouth - not a lot but often enough. In a typically AS way, he does make a big fuss about it and it is the worst thing that has ever happened to anybody.

Actually I wonder if it has to do with him 'teething' - he has been getting some his adult teeth - new molars and the missing front 4. Only just thought of that.

very interesting points about dx(sorry am a tad slow with 'shorthand'but guessing dx is diagnosis?)also interesting about senses. my ds cannot wear certain clothes as they feel 'scratchy' and today asked if we could leave our friends house as it smelt 'very bad mummy'. My poor mortified friend, who incidentally has the cleanest freshest of houses, and could only think the smell he was complaining of was an air freshner which was a new brand for her and had been used ages before we arrived so noone else could detect it. Personally, Niecie my ds never chews anything because he chewed an air freshener two years ago because it smelt of melons and he HAD to know what it tasted like, so climbed up shelves to reach it while i was in next room! My DH had to rush him to A and E where there was a big sign hanging, declaring 'this is child safety in the home week'!! our DS never chewed anything that wasnt food ever again

Just wanted to say to the OP that if you are worried about your ds start pushing for a referral now. It has taken me over 2 years to get a diagnosis for my dd2 who struggled from the first day at school. I eventually got a referral to CAMHS throug my GP and dd2 has been diagnosed with social and communication difficulties similar to Aspergers Syndrome (she doesn't have AS as her language is not typical apparently although she does take things literally, doesn't get jokes etc). It is only since having this diagnosis that the school has shown any interest in her problems and she has had a really rough time. I have to say that in many ways your ds sounds very much like her.

sorry N, just saw your latest post. sounds very painful for your DS. No suggestions but hugs for him x

Now that is what I call timing Ilove8pm.

My DS is quite sensitive to sounds. He can't stand any kind of alarm although I think he finds them more alarming than most. A few months ago he was frightened of going into the kitchen because he said that the fridge was making scary noises. It was making a few strange sounds but they were neither loud or particularly strange. Who says AS children have a limited imagination!?

Yep, dx is diagnosis - well done. Took me ages to work that out when I first saw it.

'imagination' in this sense isn't necessarily the ability to dream up wild stuff - it means the ability to put yourself in 'someone elses shoes' or think in an abstract way, like imagining what happens in a place that you are not actually in or able to see, iyswim.
this any help??

absolutely! The noise issue is interesting. Is he sensitive to all sounds? I feel so unknowledgable about AS am going to so some reading up on it all. It must be so overwhelming for them, when all these senses are heightened or skewed in some way. So often I just react to my ds behaviour and dont give enough thought to things that could be overwhelming him. no wonder he craves order. Is it common for DCs with AS to show huge interest in certain hobbies?

yes yes yes huge interest is such a fab way of putting it!

oh another thing - most people with AS/asd can't 'read' other peoples faces.
and cant deal with homonyms - like 'x' meaning multiply, the letter x, and "ex"... they find this sort of stuff really difficult

The standard book recommended about AS is by Tony Attwood - A Guide to Parents and Professionals. People kept recommending it to me and it is quite helpful as a starting point.

The other place to look is the National Autistic Society website. I think they have a check list of symptons.

They do - the link is here

They seem to have updated the site. I don't remember it being that informative a few months ago!

It might be helpful to print it off so that you can show the GP how many of the symptons DS has. It might make it easier to explain to the GP what the problem is.

This is the specific page that jolted me into action. I printed out the red flags list, ticked boxes and took the sheet to the GP.
Our timeline has been: GP in May, got Speech & Language assessment in Aug who put him on their waiting list and referred him to paed. Paed appt was beginning of December. Awaiting her official report and further referrals now.

For my DS, the social side is the biggest issue. He doesn't get anxious (yet) but it's like he lives in a world where we are all cartoons and he is the only real person, like a God-complex or something. That's why he has to do everything for himself and why we're not worth talking to sometimes. I used to say that people are just furniture to him - either in his way or not. I think I have now reached the status of fondly patronized old pet to him - but do you know what, I am so proud to have achieved that! Everyone in our extended family gets so chuffed if he pays them attention.

I just wanted to add that checklists are all well and good (and I recommended one so I am not having a go) but they don't sound anything like my DS and yet he is supposed to have AS too. He has so few boxes ticked that objectively I wouldn't have bothered having him referred but on the other hand, there is something amiss with him and you can't get away from his flapping, pacing and going off in a world of his own. Everything else is OK by itself, anybody can be a loner, sensitive or a bit anti-social at times, but those 3 things are the things that define him as an Aspie, I think.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that checklists aren't infallible and it really is a question of whether your gut instinct says something is not right. Their use is in making people take notice and listen to you.

That site is brilliant, thanks neicie and poinsettia and for the useful links too. I love the way you describe your relationship Poinsettia, I think I can understand what you mean about the sense of achievement when your ds treats you like his old pet . Its so interesting, its like piecing the jigsaw together at long long last. I will def need to get to gp asap on mon I think, so we can start the ball rolling.

yes neicie, I can see what you mean. that is such a helpful point because reading the list I can see that my ds has maybe only half the qualities listed and in combination with other unusual habits. But it gives a sort of outline of the type of person my ds is. Some things are quite extreme with him and others he has but only mildly. its weird but already since posting on here I can feel myself calming down about him and I can tell this is causing me to be more patient which in turn means he is noticeably calmer too. ahh, the power of mn!!!

Glad we can help!

I must admit that I had a look round the NAS yesterday when I did that link and found all sorts of stuff that I hadn't found before which was interesting. I took heart from some stories I found about Aspie's who have gone on to have good careers and a normal family life. I worry that nobody will want my DS when he is grown up. I hate to think of him alone without a partner for the rest of his life.

It will take a special lady to take him on but then she would have to be special for my boy anyway.

Ilove8pm, do the checklists remind you of anyone else in you or DH's family at all? Lots of people suddenly recognise traits in a family member, or even themselves. My DS is so similar to my dad that we think he must have Aspergers traits too. But he's a great role model because it's never been a problem (he was an engineer) and of course he thinks they are both perfect (and we are lesser mortals)!

funny you should ask that poinsettia! Seeing patterns with men on both side, my brother and also my dhs dad in particular. Sadly my Dhs Dad died recently but had really good bond with my ds. my brother is so like my ds but cannot see it and they actually clash, my bro just cannot find the patience required to deal with my ds(wonder why?!!!) My DH and I both also have a male cousin each with diagnosed autism. Both now adults but with varying degrees of independence etc. Does this mean its hereditary? When we were pregnant with DS we really got a grilling from one GP about the autism in our families, maybe he saw a pattern too. Poinsettia its really strange but the most common job among men in my family is civil and structural engineering, they are lovely bumch of eccentric brainiacs who hate socialising and all hide out together at family gatherings! theres a definite pattern....

Problem is, once you start looking you see them everywhere!!

Now I know more I can understand a really weird guy I used to work with. Absolutely brilliant at exams, numbers etc but used to fly into rages for no reason and could not relate to people at all. There have been others that nobody seemed to get on with for one reason or another and not because they were nasty but because they just didn't appear to fit in. Problem with working in accountancy I suppose - its full of geeks anyway, not much of step along spectrum to something diagnosable!

I also think my dad has some traits but really don't want DS to end up like him as he is a miserable mysogonist but thats another story. DH has always been a loner too and doesn't really have friends and has never had more than one or two even at school. He gets on well enough with people he works for/with though.

That's the positive thing to look forward to 8pm.
If they can get a career in the field they love and are most motivated by, they simply become mad professors or eccentric geniuses and there's nothing wrong with that.
My dad lived for his work and while my mum has always found him infuriating she respected that and encouraged his career. She does say his social skills have declined since retirement but he keeps himself busy with volunteer work on steam trains, building computers and neverending DIY jobs for us kids . I'm really glad DS will have him for a mentor.