I am so exhausted by my daughter's personality. I don't think I can even call it 'behaviour' because it feels like it's a part of her, rather than something she consciously adopts/ has any control over. Please tell me. Is this standard for a 9 year old girl or should I be looking into some sort of spectrum diagnosis? She's been like this for years so it's not just a stroppy stage.
She is totally selfish. I mean I've never seen her voluntarily put anyone before herself without bargaining and persuasion involved. She never shares and always looks after her needs without considering how that will impact others.
She lacks empathy to the point where - despite claiming to love animals - she seemed baffled when I stopped to check on an injured baby deer (who looked like Bambi) stuck in the middle of the road separated from his mum. Similar when I stopped to check on a cat that had been hit by a car. Didn't bat an eyelid when it turned out to be dead.
She can recognise emotions on faces in picture books but in RL, it doesn't translate. I have to explain people's basic emotional responses to her all the time.
She seems to be play acting when she knows it's expected that she’ll be sad about something - eg when her pets or grandmother died. It felt like she was playacting grief.
She is incredibly oppositional. She will argue that it's not that sunny while we're being blinded by low winter sunlight.
She questions every basic instruction, even when doesn't care about the answer. It's like she feels compelled to contradict any statement.
She can't cope with transitions, to the point where she's homeschooled, partly because I simply couldn't get her dressed in the morning without it becoming a wrestling match. She also refuses to get dressed for playdates/ club activities that she loves when we do eventually get there.
She has trouble with eye contact.
She always has to be the leader in games and struggles with compromise.
She can't get to sleep and never has been able to. Bedtime is a 2 hour affair every single night, despite having healthy routine which works well for our other child. She just can't wind down and ends up coming into our bed 6 nights out of 7.
She has endless energy. She does 7 hours of gymnastics on Saturday and is still wired afterwards. We have cut out other sessions in the week it case she was hyper/ over tired but she's even more difficult with any less that 7 hours to burn off her excess energy.
Her manners are appalling. I am still having to remind her to say basic please and thank yous EVERY SINGLE TIME. This is not for lack of trying. I remind her (nicely) every time it's necessary and have done for years.
Doesn’t read signals, listen or modify behaviour even when other people’s feelings are made very explicit. Eg. She can be very rough when playing and doesn't pick up when others are intimidated etc.
She constantly interrupts, despite being reminded nicely not to EVERY SINGLE TIME.
She takes a lot of things literally, which causes more oppositional reactions. Eg. If I make a throw away comment that something took hours, she will say 'no it didn't, it took 20 mins' and argue the point till I agree.
She has very little respect for authority and is equally oppositional to random strangers like the person on the checkout when they try to make a joke etc.
She's dyslexic, probably has dyscalculia too.
Every now and then we make a bit of progress, but TBH, I am seeing very little change as the years go by. I'm starting to think it's not just a developmental thing and maybe she'll just always be like this?!
Do I need to speak to someone? Please be kind. I love her to bits and am doing my absolute best trying to be patient.
Thank you.