Why do some parents seek out help but never offer it back?

[WhiteJellycat]

I was on here eight years ago under another name and everything I knew was from here. Everything I have achieved for my child ( who is now in non maintained SEN school) was because of people telling me how it was in reality vs what school and the LA said.

I'm very seasoned now. Two kids with EHCPs and both in non maintained schools.

There is a mum at school who has been lied to and mucked about by school left right and centre. No diagnosis, no ehcp and now just been excluded.

She is begging for help and I have tried to help as much as I can ( but this mum.will not appeal and my knowledge is mostly around appeal).

I have just found out that another mum has got a ehcp at the same time but never once offered any help at all. She has stayed totally silent on the matter.

I know that's her personal business and she has every right not to share any info. BUT she was also asking me for help a few years ago saying her child was struggling as they was a bit anxious and shy. Asking about the schools my kids go to and how we got in etc.

Why? It comes across that they would take any offer of help but never intending to help anyone else.

I think the thing that gets to me is that she could help this other struggling parent but chooses not to help her. Why this grates on me I have no idea but if you have ever sought out parental support why would you just sit back and watch someone else drown knowing you could help them?

I would try to help if I could or felt I had enough expertise but would want to be sure I was giving correct information. And if somebody doesn't want to appeal, you won't be able to force them.

I think we sometimes don't know what is going on in people's lives, so I wouldn't judge someone if they didn't help either. Especially if they are dealing with a child or children with additional needs. Just because her child has an EHCP now, doesn't mean that everything is okay or that things are going well.

Ds has an EHCP and things have been awful. I'm not sure I would have had the capacity over the last year to give lots of advice or support to others. She may only be keeping her head above water herself, so it maybe that she is unable to stop others drowning at the moment.

I imagine there were many when DS1 was younger that thought the same about me. DS1 lurched from crisis to crisis and I was barely keeping my head above water. Now we are in a better position I do try to help others.

However, in real life I am very selective about who I help and how much I do after being stung a couple of times. Twice I have spent hours helping someone for them to decide not to appeal after all—but still moan their child isn’t receive the provision they need—. I would be unlikely to help the parent you describe if she doesn’t want to help herself by appealing when I know she has already been advised to. Judgy, maybe, but time and energy is limited and wasted if you know the parent isn’t going to listen to your advice.

On MN you can pick it up and put it down whenever DC’s needs dictate, and the advice is generally shorter. In real life you often do more for people and it is harder, for example if you agree to help someone and there are deadlines who can’t just leave it when your own DC’s needs mean you don’t have the time.

@Imitatingdory yes this makes sense. The parent in question who needs the help and asks for help doesn't really take on board what I say. So why would another parent offer advice. I do feel bad as my child has just been awarded a ehcp and this other mums kid has been excluded. But I did an appeal. She has shut me down when I told her she appeal and have legal aid if needed. It really is a hard system and favours the proactive

It really is a hard system and favours the proactive

I wholeheartedly agree, sadly, DC whose parents know the system, can navigate their way through it and can advocate for their DC get better support. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is.