DH can't/won't stay calm during DS's meltdowns

[NameChange30]

My DS is nearly 5, I've had concerns about him for a while, and after doing some research and seeking advice, i think there is a very strong possibility that he has ASD with a PDA profile. I know these are not really the correct terms but I think it is "mild" or "high functioning", he is very bright and I think he's good at masking, but has big meltdowns about small things at home. I am pursuing a diagnosis.

ASD/PDA or not, I find that the recommended strategies work very well with DS. I have read the PDA Society resources and a couple of books about PDA, I've shared them with DH and discussed it all with him at length.

While DH appears to agree in theory with all the advice, he is not able to put it into practice. He gets angry and frustrated with DS. I have asked and asked and asked him to try and stay calm. Of course the behaviour is very challenging and it's hard to stay calm all the time, sometimes I crack, but my default position is to try and be as calm as possible in the face of a meltdown, and it takes a lot of effort. DS reacts make the meltdowns much much worse.

I'm really struggling with it. I get so angry and frustrated with DH. I feel he makes my parenting job harder. I worry about the impact on DS and their relationship. I resent that there's even more pressure on me to be the calm one, since DH can't/won't. They can and do have a lovely time together but when the shit hits the fan I just can't trust DH to deal with it well (or at least how I think he should deal with it).

I am aware that I shouldn't be too "controlling" and that parenting together is about respect/compromise but I'm afraid I'm just not willing to compromise on this issue. It makes me question the relationship.

Help

Sorry that should say DH reactions make the meltdowns much worse.

Bump

I had to let my DH ‘handle’ our DD himself a few times before he ‘got it’. He had to see for himself that getting annoyed that she wouldn’t do what he needed her to do and shouting didn’t make it happen any quicker. It’s really hard especially when our older child didn’t react this way to standard parenting but our youngest appears so so defiant but really isn’t they just can’t process in the same way. Now we work better together, it’s still so hard and sometimes nothing stops her having a meltdown at the moment but we can bring her out of it quicker by keeping a calm reassuring presence. All you can do is keeping modelling the calm approach and don’t rescue him if he gets it wrong but let him deal with the fall out, then he will hopefully realise it’s not “bad parenting” just managing the child you have.

It took time for my dh to get it. We both came from 'do as I say because I said so' type households which obviously does not work for asd kids. I did a lot of reading talking to asd adults ( autism inclusivity and ask the autistic adults in Facebook are great. ) I shared all info with dh and constantly reinforced what I was doing. As main carer this was easier as I was there in day and dh was with me evenings/weekends. At time it was frustrating as I felt I couldn't leave him alone to manage dc but over time he improved, once he saw it worked it really helped. Plus nursery and school were on same page as me. It also didn't help that pil's would try to interfere but once dh got it things got easier. With regard to temper your oh is getting overwhelmed he needs to if possible leave room to calm him self. Mindfulness/meditation are really good for helping recognise overwhelm and learning to manage it before it takes over.

Very sorry I missed these replies as they were a few days after I posted and the thread had dropped off threads I'm on.

Appreciate your comments. I've been modelling the calm approach for ages now (months and months) but DH doesn't follow my lead. He thinks I'm "too soft" on DS (I disagree) and says thinks like "no wonder he behaves like that when you pander to him". It's bullshit frankly. DH lacks patience, empathy and kindness with DS. And is then upset/surprised when DS prefers me. No shit Sherlock.

Sorry for the rant. It's been a particularly tough day

I know how you feel - same problem here. I think actually DH might also be needing a diagnosis himself....

Sorry, OP. My dh was exactly like yours. He never got any better, despite agreements, parenting courses, asd courses (probably autistic himself) and in the end when things got very physical we ended up splitting. For me it was bad enough trying to be calm for my son, but having to "model" good parenting for his father all the time was just exhausting. I can't remember the last time my ds had a meltdown since my husband left... ....

I missed these posts at the time for some reason. Just found the thread again when I looked through threads I'm watching.

@MackenCheese
"For me it was bad enough trying to be calm for my son, but having to "model" good parenting for his father all the time was just exhausting."
I agree with this. I can just about handle DS when he's being hard work (with bonus DD who is a toddler and sometimes joins in the meltdown) but what I can't handle is DH's anger making it all worse - everything escalates and I end up furious with DH, he sulks at me for undermining... it's all so tiresome. I honestly think we might split up one day because I've lost a lot of love and respect for him How can I feel the same about him when I feel I have to protect DS from anger?!

Following this thread. I have the same issues with my DH..