Forcing ds to school

[qwertypoiu]

He's been diagnosed with sensory processing disorder and currently getting assessed for asd.

After a year of trying different things to get him to stay at school, it's come down to the only way to get him in is him screaming and crying uncontrollably while 2 teachers restrain him so he can't run to me, so i walk away and leave him at school.

Do you think this is an acceptable way to do it?

He's 4

I could have written your post. My Ds was the same and the school wanted to restrain. I told them no in no uncertain terms and asked that they were not mention it in front of DS as it upset him. We tried a few things with varying degrees of success. We did a written and picture schedule of what happened in the morning and talked about it a lot. We got a happy self journal and gave him the space to talk about how he felt. DS took in something special to hold on to that reminded him of me (that evolved in to us wearing hair bands on our wrists). We also read a lot of books - Llama Llama misses Mama and the invisible string were too good ones.
I think ultimately the move from reception to year 1 was a massive help for my DS. I think he found the choice and free play element of reception overwhelming and preferred it when he was told what to do.
Remember that the school ‘may know children’ but that you know your child better than anyone. You should advocate for them in the way that you think works best.

I don't think this school is the right place for him.

Can you change schools as the very minimum?

If he is only 4, I would be abandoning school for this year until he legally needs to attend.

Are you able to deregister and home educate, even if just while you get a diagnosis and interventions in place? He’s still only so little (maybe under CEA even?) and you could stick to very informal, play based education, and focus on meeting his sensory needs. I think schools jump to this physically forcing them in, without trying all other - kinder - avenues, or considering how traumatic it must be for the child.

Another vote for contacting IPSEA and getting a full range of advice on your options. Also there are two great facebook pages - Missing the Mark and NotFineInSchool - have a google I think you will find it enlightening, and you'll know that the "he's fine at school" line is the oldest one in the book - if he's so fine at school how come they're having to give him extra support? Definitely take him out of school for now and get proper advice. If you go for the EHCP you'll get an Ed Psych assessment in any case.

If he has 5% attendance and you return every time or just not take him, you aren’t giving the school enough of a chance to support him.

So since September he’s done a totally of 4 days?

@BluebellsGreenbells

If he has 5% attendance and you return every time or just not take him, you aren’t giving the school enough of a chance to support him.

Up until very recently I have taken him to school every single morning but he doesn't feel able to stay. We were there for half an hour every morning.

You can start the ball rolling for an EHCP yourself.
SOSSEN is worth contacting, and IPSEA.

My son school refused, was unsupported, we were told he was fine.
When he was 11 he was in meltdown constantly as he was so traumatised, we couldn’t get near him to get him to school so opted to home educate him.
Despite being told he’d never get an EHCP he got an excellent one, had 5 years at home and is now at college.

So my advice (TLDR) is to do an EHCP yourself.
Work with school to see if there are any strategies that do help.
Home educating, whilst not an option for everyone, can be very freeing, and the best thing for a child with SEN.

@BluebellsGreenbells

If he has 5% attendance and you return every time or just not take him, you aren’t giving the school enough of a chance to support him.

Why would they be able to support him in school if they can't even do the very basic thing of managing a routine transition for a child with SEN effectively and sensitively?

Not that I think that's unusual sadly.

They shouldn't be dragging him in but I am also not convinced that you should be waiting with him.

Ideally, you would take him into school a bit earlier. There would be an activity for him to do. You would leave and school staff would help him settle. If he knows you will take him home every single time, he will not settle.

I would forget school for now, something is very wrong, you wouldnt treat an animal in such a way so why think this is acceptable for a four year old ?
These restraining tactics will do more damage than good.
Force never works, temporarily yes, maybe in some cases, but not permanently and l speak as a of a parent of a school refuser.
Once l had changed my mindset that an education could only take place in a school, things took a positive change. The school enviroment isnt for everyone, we shouldnt expect it to be, and thats ok.

Thanks everyone for the reassurance that it's not ok. I had a meeting last week with the school, someone from the local authority and an attendance officer. I felt they were all trying to bully me into agreeing with them.

Thank you for the links, they look really helpful. I will apply for an EHCP asap as he turns 5 in February so school will be a legal requirement then. (Unless I decide to take him out of school... which is starting to look like the best option for now.)

@Moonface123

I would forget school for now, something is very wrong, you wouldnt treat an animal in such a way so why think this is acceptable for a four year old ? These restraining tactics will do more damage than good. Force never works, temporarily yes, maybe in some cases, but not permanently and l speak as a of a parent of a school refuser. Once l had changed my mindset that an education could only take place in a school, things took a positive change. The school enviroment isnt for everyone, we shouldnt expect it to be, and thats ok.

Force absolutely never works to change behaviours. It will provoke anxiety not alleviate it so it's completely counter productive for a school refuser.

Restraint should ONLY be used as a last resort where there is danger to either the child or others. It's completely unacceptable to use it even 'temporarily' or 'in some cases' in a situation like this and anyone who is trained in using restraint SHOULD KNOW THAT.

I think the school and LA should have policies on this and I would be surprised if this advice didn't go against those policies.

Don’t deregister DS unless you actually want to EHE, many parents find it easier to get support when DC is on a school’s roll, even if they can’t attend. Crudely, you are someone’s ‘problem’. When you EHE it is too easy for others to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet.

As well as applying for an EHCP when DS becomes CSA if he cannot attend school the LA have a statutory duty to provide alternative education.

@Imitatingdory

Don’t deregister DS unless you actually want to EHE, many parents find it easier to get support when DC is on a school’s roll, even if they can’t attend. Crudely, you are someone’s ‘problem’. When you EHE it is too easy for others to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet.

As well as applying for an EHCP when DS becomes CSA if he cannot attend school the LA have a statutory duty to provide alternative education.

This.

You can look into EOTAS too but it's much harder to get it agreed if you have deregistered.

I wonder if you are causing your child some anxiety about school? You say you don’t want to leave him and will stay with him, yet a lot of children cope better when left briskly.

I think you should take a break from this and reconsider your options, SEN or no SEN you aren’t doing either of you any favors.

@qwertypoiu

I haven't applied for an EHCP. The school applied for funding after his paediatrician said he would benefit from a 1-1 teacher, but they said they were 99% sure it wouldn't get approved because "he's fine at school". They've came up with that idea from the odd time he has stayed a couple of hours. His attendance since September is less than 5%.

Yeah that not 'fine at school' any school that doesn't want to try for funding) (where there's legitimate reason) that's a massive red flag and restraint is a last resort for a child that is a danger to self or others. (Not telling you just angry on your child's behalf)

What's been tried so far? Could you try going in with him for short periods (may be issue with covid) but if allowed then could build it up from there. So say arrive at 930 for 15 min then gradually increase and also you reduce involvement gradually. How is he visiting other places? Has this been issue at school from day 1 or did something happen? If the school won't support I'd start looking for another school unless u want to home school

@BluebellsGreenbells

I wonder if you are causing your child some anxiety about school? You say you don’t want to leave him and will stay with him, yet a lot of children cope better when left briskly.

I think you should take a break from this and reconsider your options, SEN or no SEN you aren’t doing either of you any favors.

Children don't 'cope better when left briskly'. NT children might learn that there's no point protesting but that's not the same thing.

OP's child has a diagnosis and is awaiting others IIRC so it's very unlikely that the OP has caused this.

@BluebellsGreenbells

I wonder if you are causing your child some anxiety about school? You say you don’t want to leave him and will stay with him, yet a lot of children cope better when left briskly.

I think you should take a break from this and reconsider your options, SEN or no SEN you aren’t doing either of you any favors.

There's always a parent blamer.

This is a 4 year old with SEN who is struggling with the school environment due to diagnosed Sensory Processing Issues.

Mainstream school is a terrifying and unsafe place for many children with these issues. This mother is absolutely right to be worried about leaving her child where he could suffer harm.

@BluebellsGreenbells

I wonder if you are causing your child some anxiety about school? You say you don’t want to leave him and will stay with him, yet a lot of children cope better when left briskly.

I think you should take a break from this and reconsider your options, SEN or no SEN you aren’t doing either of you any favors.

Oh do fuck off. Entirely unhelpful.

@kiwifruitbanana little harsh😬 it's probably ignorance around sen that would benefit from some education . Unfortunately a lot of people don't understand that nd children and adults can not fit in because it suits nt people

Oh do fuck off. Entirely unhelpful

The child has 5% attendance, less than 4 days, mix that with attempting this everyday and staying half an hour it has to be an anxiety inducing ritual for both parent and child. I can imagine how frustrating it is, knowing your are dragging him there and him clinging on and screaming. Who wouldn’t be anxious?

It then becomes a cycle.

So thanks for that!!!

@BluebellsGreenbells

Oh do fuck off. Entirely unhelpful

The child has 5% attendance, less than 4 days, mix that with attempting this everyday and staying half an hour it has to be an anxiety inducing ritual for both parent and child. I can imagine how frustrating it is, knowing your are dragging him there and him clinging on and screaming. Who wouldn’t be anxious?

It then becomes a cycle.

So thanks for that!!!

Yes but it needs to be a gradual approach so increasing time spent there over time. Building confidence and school should be reassuring child and parent that it's a long term approach. Not doing 1/2 hour sessions a bit then manhandling him into school for full days.

@qwertypoiu

He's been diagnosed with sensory processing disorder and currently getting assessed for asd.

After a year of trying different things to get him to stay at school, it's come down to the only way to get him in is him screaming and crying uncontrollably while 2 teachers restrain him so he can't run to me, so i walk away and leave him at school.

Do you think this is an acceptable way to do it?

He's 4

@qwertypoiu

My God this sounds barbaric and no it is not acceptable.

Clearly the school environment is totally unsuited to your child's needs. I suggest you apply for an EHC Needs Assessment yourself using the model letter here:

www.ipsea.org.uk/ehc-needs-assessments

Explain all the difficulties with school attendance and sensory issues etc and send copies of any reports you have. If you don't have a sensory assessment report already ask for one as part of the EHCNA.

In the meantime if your child is unable to attend school ask the LA to put temporary education in place:

www.ipsea.org.uk/getting-temporary-education-put-in-place