Getting DH to see telling off won't help ADHD learning

[Echobelly]

I really feel a bit at my wit's end. DS (10) has ADHD - every now and then (it's not constant) DH gets angry with him for 'careless' work or not 'making an effort' and lectures him about not being 'lazy' and that he should 'take pride in his work' and won't listen to me when I say it's not the way to go and what he needs is positive affirmation about what he's done right. Because it's going to massively undermining when DS has expended effort to get things right, but all he gets is an earful for what got wrong/didn't do - he'll just learn not to bother as his effort gets no recognition. And I've told DH this, I've told him that every childcare expert, psychiatrist, psychologist and ADHD expert says positive is the way to go but he still basically thinks I'm just being wet and wimpy and wanting to be nice for the sake of it. What I want, as I've told him, is to do what's effective - shouting feels like 'doing something', but all it achieves is harming his relationship with his son. Being positive is a long game and may not feel like you are getting anywhere but honestly, it's what works. It's come to the fore the last few days as I've been isolating for a hospital procedure so DH has had to be extra hands-on for several days.

It doesn't help DH comes from a shouty, lectur-y family, and also he has insecurities about achieving etc. Part of me is wondering if I can get him to just have a session with DS's psychiatrist, who DH does respect, to talk about learning strategies because then he might listen. Or I wish I could get him in a room with an adult with ADHD whose parents tried to shout it out of them so they could tell him how well that worked.

Is DS under CAHMS? Our local one has parenting courses teaching exactly this.

However, DH is a shouty lecturer type and, no matter how many times the experts told him that isn’t the best way to deal with ADHD kids, he still couldn’t change his ways. DS is older teen now and actively avoids DH and doesn’t want to spend time with him at all. He’s only got himself to blame but it’s heartbreaking.

He's under a private practitioner, though we are in (very slow) process of moving to shared care so NHS can take over. This is why I'm wondering if getting him to have a conversation with DS's psychiatrist will help - honestly would be prepared to cough up for half an hour of his time just to go through it with someone DH can't wave off, and who I can then refer back to.

It doesn't help that I think DH has anxiety about DS's capability to achieve, and about his own capabilities - he's lost a few jobs, though he always gets other ones, and we both suspect he himself has ADHD. But it's in a slightly different way to DS, as DH excelled in school but DS has some difficulty with learning. I do feel this recent outburst is about DH's anxiety.

I keep telling him he'll drive DS away with this sort of thing.

Hi OP
I could have written your post.
I am looking into parenting courses for my DH for kids with neurodiversity. Strongly suspect he has giftedness dyslexia and adhd. Dc1 has giftedness dyslexia/splds possibly ASD and or dyspraxia. I think adhd possibly. Dc2 is an angel ag school but collapse at home and I think poss adhd.
We also have a third who is a ahandful hence he does need some help. My friend recommended courses with the autism’s society which I am
Looking into.

I'm looking at courses but they seem focused more on behaviour and we don't especially have behaviour problems at home - DS can be careless with toys and other objects break them accidentally and DH gets (to my mind excessively) cross about this. With DS it's specifically learning skills - he seems bright and imaginative, yet really can't seem to do creative tasks. He can be quite good at maths, but I think his working memory is poor and he has difficulty remembering the strategies. When he does, he does pretty well.

Books? Send reputable links from Google to him? Facebook groups to ask advice?