Help with teen dd age 16

[Gizmo98765]

Unsure whether to post this here or elsewhere. I have name changed for this post. Teen DD 16 has dyslexia. We arranged for her to have an EP done privately when she was 8. She is quiet, non disruptive, well behaved, quite bright (has developed strategies as we paid for private tuition until she was 11). She just gets on with it at school so she has sailed under the radar (she hates fuss and attention). She was a very easy child at home until about year 6/year 7 age 10/11 when we noticed she seemed much more immature and out of step with her peers and she also had a few friendship issues and was bullied by some ex friends and popular kids which really knocked her confidence.

In lockdown we noticed her behaviour at home get very much worse and more challenging. I will try and list some concerns in bullet points. DD thinks she is fine and we are the problem as we are not as chilled, laid back and easy going as her best friends parents. So she wouldn’t hear of going to the doctors but I could do with some support.

Won’t have any affection from us
Struggles to communicate and engage in a conversation with us and other family members.
Usually goes mad if I smile at her, mention anything from when she was younger or look at a photograph when she was younger, start a conversation or ask her a question.
Extremely private and secretive
Disgustingly untidy bedroom and poor hygiene habits
Extremely picky with food v limited bland/beige diet. Won’t eat any meat, extremely limited veg intake and refuses fruit completely. Doesn’t know what she wants to eat and usually refuses to eat anything we make or suggest and she gets upset when we give her a choice, suggest she finds a recipe etc

Struggles to make and keep friends at school except for an obsession with her best friend
Spends a lot of time on her own in her bedroom
No interest in her appearance and has recently bought some mens clothes for 6th form.

She has changed her A levels over summer to match what her best friend is taking. She hasn’t told us this but we looked in her room yesterday (clearing out the mountain of wet towels, dirty underwear, dirty clothes, bags of rubbish and dirty crockery etc) and saw some files with the new subjects on. Tried to have a generic discussion with her today about her A level choices and she has gone mad and behaved irrationally angrily and over the top. Saying it was nothing to do with us (me and DH). She is good at maths which she has chosen and sciences and instead of the sciences she is thinking of psychology and law (as this is what her best friend has chosen).

Thanks

Do you think she has SEN issues? How as parents can we best support her without alienating her even further? I/we are worried about her A level choices as this will be hard for her with dyslexia and this decision will affect her ability to pass her A levels so impacting on HE and career opportunities. Her BF is good at english. Whereas dd only just passed her english but got a 7 in maths. We also worry about what will happen if her friendship with her BF ever fizzles out. Our relationship is fraught again. It did get a lot better over the summer but can see feel the tide turning and its back to walking on egg shells again.

It does sound like there may be some additional needs on top of the dyslexia. Unfortunately, at DD's age, unless she wishes to pursue it no one is going to assess her.

Have you spoken to the sixth form? Does DD know what she wants to do after university? If so, could you/she look at what she needs to progress. Seeing the grades/A levels required may change DD's mind. At this stage I think all you can do is support her choice of A levels as DD is likely to see anything else as unsupportive. An up to date EP assessment may be helpful.

Thank you yes I thought that would be the case. Its just more to help us understand and communicate with her in a better more positive way. So she doesn’t see us the way she does.

Unfortunately or fortunately she has absolutely no idea what subjects to do at A level
or for a degree. In year 11 she has seemed so disillusioned, angry and upset with school, her teachers and the way the government have handled GCSE’s that she seemed to be very disengaged and to be doing so little work we were just relieved she passed everything. I/we have always assured her that her choice of A levels is completely her choice. We are just there to act as a sounding board and have her best interests at heart. Said we just want her to pick subjects of her choice that she enjoys or thinks she will enjoy and be able to do well in. She was still talking to us about A levels until a couple of weeks ago but now she has closed down. Which I think is because she is going to pick subjects that she thinks we will disapprove of us so for the hell of it she will just pick the same subjects as her BF.

Not spoken to anyone in the 6th form yet. School doesn’t officially start back until Monday. But her school has a bad reputation when we phoned in lockdown as we were worried she was behind with her work, which she was. We asked them not to mention to DD that we had been in touch for any reason and they told her and a couple of teachers mentioned it when she first went back. Which she was mortified at and she was very angry with us.

Have a look at some PDA strategies you might find them helpful.

Just had a look and whilst those strategies might work on a much younger child I really don’t see how I can adapt those particular strategies for a stroppy lazy 16 year old.

I have tried we will give you some to choose some clothes for 6th form, leavers day, holidays etc, buy you some new bedding, have a day out to X if show me you put your dirty clothes in the wash basket and make your bed for a week etc.

Don't dismiss PDA strategies, some are helpful for teen with PDA, some are used with adults too. The strategies are about realising the behaviour is driven by anxiety and consequently a need for control.

Thanks I will see if I can find anything more suitable to teens in terms of PDA but the site I looked at seemed to have strategies aimed for very young children.