How to Cope with Teenagers

[MrsPalfrey]

In the last years both of my children have been diagnosed with autism and ADHD and the associated anxiety, depression, eating disorders, etc. Throw in other multiple health problems requiring lots of medication.

When they were younger I sought help and advice about their behaviours but the schools and doctors insisted there was no problem and clearly saw me as a neurotic mother.

After years of struggling, they now have their diagnosis, their behaviour makes more sense but I actually feel worse than before. Like there is now no hope for the future, no real prospect of improvement. My kids are always going to need a lot of support and I think i don't have it in me to give it. The constant struggle to get them to eat and standing over them to take medication dominates the day and makes me depressed. Children in significant pain if I forget to make them take medication in time. Resistance to food and medecines has been a problem most of their lives. They know what they have to do but choose not to. They won't take their medication at school either. They are both otherwise bright kids.

The eldest should go off to university next year but will quite probably go into crisis quickly as they just won't think to eat. Always been dangerously underweight so this is a likely issue. We are in an isolated place so moving out for HE is the only option.

Any advice?

Hang in there. You’ve done really well in getting help and an initial diagnosis. But yes you are probably right to be concerned about their future. Society just doesn’t get people with learning disabilities and or SEN and it means that yes you will have to shout louder and fight more for them. Make sure you have good support, whether in person or virtual. Please take care of yourself.

For the teens, perhaps look at devising your own action plan and discuss it with them. Something along the lines of when to take what medication and what time to eat etc but tailor it to their own requirements and involve them in the process within reason. You can then share the action plan with other institutions such as universities. I would suggest when you and your teen are looking at unis, look for ones with good support for students with Sen. It usually falls under the remit of disability support.

With my own teen daughter, I’ve had so many issues with sixth form in particular. She’s just finished with really great results and has got into the uni she wanted but that is despite having zero support from sixth form. Literally hours after she got her results on Tuesday, SLT got in touch to offer an initial assessment, despite me asking for help since she started year 7. She had excellent support from SLT up till she started secondary. Then it was cut because she no longer met the requirements. I was assured that I would only have to make another referral but it took years. Really only now she has left does she get the help she needed from the start of secondary. To add insult to injury, we’ve been told she will be discharged after the initial assessment as she has left school. Absolutely unbelievable!

She was resitting A Levels as last year her results were disappointing but we looked at them asked questions and realised that sixth form had used mock exams to calculate her grades and these mocks had no reasonable adjustments in place. I complained and got her to resit this year.

I have to say bringing up teens with SEN is more of a challenge. I worry that she doesn’t always consider safety and as she is technically speaking an adult and has capacity, I have to step back and only step in when she’s obviously been taken advantage of. There are some pure scum out there and others who just see someone who is vulnerable and take advantage. At times it’s just stupid misunderstandings like a recent visit to our local Specsavers, where I thought it might be good to show her independence and let her attend by herself but she was unfortunately taken advantage of and mis-sold a health check she didn’t need. So I find I’m having to complain again. It literally never ends.

Thanks for your message Anamarav. I'm not in the UK so haven't faced the problems you have had but it makes my blood boil that so many young people are failed - and for someone to be so blatantly offered an assessment when it is literally too late and the health service is off the hook.

Unfortunately my kids just won't cooperate with eating or taking medication, it's like demanding the impossible. They can do it if they want to but there is a blockage, just like a selective mute can actually talk, but only on their own terms. It is so so frustrating. Nobody seems able to help.

The Specsavers scam could so happen to my daughter. Sympathy. Hopefully your DD has learned from that.

There are several books on the market about how to keep ND girls safe. This also worried me a lot. I hope their general uncooperative natures will work in their favour here.