Dad against formal diagnosis

[SpaceRaiders]

I’ve suspected for the last 2 years that there might be something going on with Dd7. Just a gut feeling like we all have. Meltdowns so huge that it’s impossible to stop them, I end up just either sitting with her, holding her on my lap if she’d let me or I’ve found long showers soothe her enough to calm her down. She’s very bright and articulate but has been behind with reading and maths since reception. She finds it very hard to focus, her mind drifts and she fidgets constantly; she sits on her head 90% of the time at home. She’s a very physical child if that makes sense, always sensory seeking, loves right hugs etc.

I fought with her previous school to support her and I was repeatedly told there was nothing wrong with her. It’d got so bad at one point that she was being dragged out of my arms kicking and screaming each morning, we were verging on complete school refusal at age 6. Her anxiety was through the roof too.

In the end, I was so worried about her MH that I moved her to a new school last autumn, smaller classes and targeted support. Thankfully she’s come on leaps and bounds. She’s grown hugely in confidence, academically she’s thriving with the support in place. The new senco has just confirmed my suspicions today and I could cry. She thinks Dd would benefit from a formal diagnosis. She doesn’t recommend doing so just yet as an Ed psych would only be recommending the same support the school is currently offering her.

So now my issue is trying to convince ex that it’s the right thing to do. He’s currently refusing saying “the label” will be a “burden” on her. Has anyone come across this kind of attitude with their DP/DH? Because it’s completely infuriating, it’s beyond me why you wouldn’t support your own child.

My ex doesn't believe my son could have adhd. I think this is probably because he is on the spectrum somewhere himself, so doesn't see our sons behaviour as different or problematic as he is neuro diverse himself

Ask ex if he would get it the way of DD being diagnosed with a physical medical condition? And if not why not and what's different?

What kind of diagnosis do you mean? Because EPs do not diagnose things like ASD. I wouldn't put off diagnosis because of what the SENCO said. Early diagnosis and recognition is important. Not to mention there will be a waiting list that could be a couple of years long!

YY he himself had a diagnosis of something at a similar age - I can’t remember exactly what. Hence why I think he’s so against it. It’s been such a battle to get this far and part of that has been convincing him that she’s struggling.

To be honest the entire conversation was a blur, I was a little overwhelmed that someone else finally saw what I was seeing. All I remember was issues with working memory and losing focus. I’m not too sure what she thinks dd has. I’m waiting for the full written report to come through first. But I do believe ASD perhaps ADHD. I agree it’s important that we know what’s wrong so that we can support her fully going forward. I’m hoping to go private, hopefully it should be fairly straightforward, once I get him to agree to it!

Hi Spaceraiders. I’m really sorry that I don’t have any experience with persuading an ex or current partner of the benefit of a diagnosis. All I would suggest is, if you have good communication with him, persevere - I know we ummed and ahhed for a couple of years before we decided to go through the process, as at the time, we felt her needs would never be that great. How wrong we were! Perhaps he just needs time to come to terms with it, especially if he has had a negative experience himself. Could the SENCo have a meeting with him and explain what she has noticed and why a diagnosis would be helpful?
If you don’t mind though, could I ask how your daughter was about moving to a new school? I have just posted for advice because my Y2 DD cannot continue at her current school and hates it but is terrified of going to an unknown school. Thanks

Hi, had to jump in as my dd9 sounded like your dd - everything you described- behind in maths and English, the sensory stuff, loss of of focus etc. I took her to an EP who found specific learning difficulties - which explained her struggles- weakness in working memory, processing, literacy development and executive functioning but with an extremely high IQ. Plus possible ASD and dyspraxia.
I would say to your OH you need to focus on helping your child at school. We have focussed on our child’s educational needs and this will help them learn. The EP can’t diagnose ASD or ADHD but they can signpost if they think it’s a possibility but they are going to focus on the educational challenges and I think that’s such an important thing to do for your child’s future. The other diagnoses for us we haven’t pursued as yet but may do in future. I gather the secondary transfer can be a very big flashpoint so we have this in mind too. Best of luck and feel free to pM me x

Sorry I’ve only just seen your responses… @TATTSOTATT Thats broadly the direction I’ve taken in securing as much support I can for her educationally for the time being.

In terms of the school move; I pulled her out in October. Anxiety was at an all time low post lockdown, then that first term back we were effectively back to square one. Instead of getting to the root of the cause, the school we’re adamant from reception it was a behavioural issue, the measures put in place were either inconsistent or just weren’t working. I feel terrible looking back now because I was forcing her to go to a place that just wasn’t right for her.

Thankfully the move was the best decision I made. She was nervous/reluctant at first but I really sold the new school to her before her trail. Despite a few hiccups, she settled in really well, her anxiety is still there but not as bad as it was. The new school put in place 1-2-1 support from day one, and we’ve definitely seen the results. In the last 6 months, she’s picking up chapter books and reading independently. Maths continues to be more of a challenge, she can’t count to 100 reliably, it’s like she just can’t retain the information. Socially I think she will always struggle, her interests are somewhat quirky, she’s very creative and she gravitates towards nurturing the lower year groups. But the school has been so supportive that I couldn’t really have asked for any more. I’d say if you’re on the cusp of changing schools do it! They spend such a big part of their lives at school that I’d place their happiness well over anything else.

@Namechange600Its such a minefield isn’t it?!