Autistic child(ten) irrational fear

[PastaNuketown]

Have NC’ed for this. I know this is not good or rational and doesn’t make any sense.
DP and I are both autistic - what are the chances of having an autistic child ?
I’ve always wanted to have children and have been good at babysitting kids etc but after reading some of the posts on here realise that I/ we’d completely lose it if we had a child with more than mild autism. No way in hell would we be able to cope. So now I don’t want to have any. Or adopt.
DP thinks I’m being ridiculous does he have a point?

Also to add the thought of organising my life around another person for the next several decades really freaks me out. Never being free having to spend all my money on them forever etc etc

Am I crazy

The odds are reasonably high. If you think there is "no way in hell" you could cope you really shouldn't have children.

I suspect my mother is on the spectrum. I would say I am relatively 'normal' and super compliant/independent, but still a child. She totally lost it and couldn't cope. Dh has Asperger's and is amazing with our autistic dd, but needs a lot of breaks from childcare. Do you have grandparents who could help a lot?

If you would like to hear a positive experience of autistic parent raising autistic children, I recommend reading ‘Diary of a Young Naturalist’ by Dara McAnulty. He and his two siblings and their Mother are all autistic. This actually appears to have afforded him and his siblings an environment of growing up in where autism is really understood and they have their own family routines built around what suits them. Very inspiring (it is not the focus of the book but is a constant theme throughout).

@PastaNuketown My DH and I are both undiagnosed, but believe we are on the spectrum. Our older DS is diagnosed autistic and our toddler DS is more NT than our older DS, but has some autistic traits (e.g. toe walking and hand flapping).

My experience as a mum has been 100% positive. I did not actually know my DS was autistic until he went into a structured group environment (a nursery) because he was fine at home. I now realise this is because our home environment is ASD-friendly and, also, I really understand him - because he is so similar to me. So, for example, he never had meltdowns at home.

If you have kids with your DH, you are likely to have children who are not entirely NT. However, (and this is a big HOWEVER) they will be exactly like you. They will remind you of you as a child. You will completely see yourself in them, understand what they are going through and, as such, you will be kickass parents. You will never take them to enormous, noisy crowded parties. You will buy them sunglasses, share their special interests, and share advice on social scripts. You will be WAYYY better than NT parents of an autistic kid could be.

You will, most likely, form a bubble of neurodiversity in which you and your family are a neuro-majority all of a sudden. You will become a massive advocate for your kids, and spend a lot of time feeling like it's the rest of the world who has a problem.

There are a couple of studies showing that people with ASD, who have ASD parents, are rarely seriously affected. Most of the children who have very major support needs are a result of 'de novo' (i.e. new) mutations that have serious co-morbid conditions (e.g. epilepsy or learning difficulties). It appears that ASD kids with ASD parents are ASD due to small mutations passing between parent and child - just like every other trait.

Hope that makes you feel better :)