Aspergers 15yr old..what to do next for secondary

[shelbys]

Help please :) My son has ASD - translating mostly in a lack of social skills. We have tried to get him diagnosed in the past - but ended up as 'working diagnosis of high functioning ASD' meaning support has been little & we have had to work off our own instincts.

He is coming up to GCSE's - all going well there. Socially - still has not managed to make any meaningful friendships. By that I mean, there still isn't a single friend who actively keeps in contact. He says he has a couple of friends at school, but despite efforts, has not seen them outside of school during this four years. It's an independent boys school.

As it's Surrey, he can either stay on at this school or go to sixth form college. sixth form college - likely Farnborough - is huge & much less structured. But my first question is should he change after GcSE's? Will it give him the Opportunity to meet a wider circle and the chance of more friendships?

Secondly I feel like a failure that he still hasn't managed to make friends... can anyone recommend any social skills classes in Surrey for someone his age? Or do I actually need to see an ed psych to get the bigger picture?

I know that everyone makes friends in time, but I feel like I am running out of time to help him do this, and feel so sad that he hasn't met 'his people'.

thanks :)

sorry, and also, any recommends for Surrey based ed psych's? thanks

Speaking from our experience, I wouldn't be in a rush to change him to sixth form college. He's no more likely to make friends if he is stressed and anxious by the upheaval in his routines, and you may well find he doesn't cope, no matter how on board he thinks he is with it.

The friendship thing is hard, my DS has had similar problems over the years. He now has a small circle of friends from school that he's on the fringe of- he's invited to larger events but doesn't see them regularly. He's a gamer so the only other friends he has are ones that he connects with that way. Similar interests seem to be what keeps friendships going when social skills are not always enough.
Give him time to find 'his people', don't despair yet

DS masks a lot so manages to hold down a job and has a GF but he has bouts of depression and anxiety- the teenage years were very painful.

@marriednotdead thanks! Yes, it's felt even more stressful as he is a gamer, but he plays on own & he started with friends and then it tailed off. I have tried to find out why but no answers.

Yep, understood re sixth form - he actually brought it up, but post Covid we will go and have a look and would be keen for him to really understand what the change would be like.

You don't need tons of friends. I feel like the start again approach is because, I am really not sure that he can make anything more of the people he is with now.... it feels like he is 'labelled' and not sure if that will change in sixth form...

thanks for your thoughts tho x

@shelbys i feel for you , my DD has autism , she is in year 10 in a large secondary school. i often feel despair that in a very big school , she does not have any solid friendships either . She has a few friends , but none that she speaks to or sees out of school ...

I totally understand when you say that your DS has been labelled, maybe a fresh start could be good for him

I am considering moving my DD to a smaller independent school to repeat year 10 as she has really struggled with lockdown, and i am hoping she might make friends in a new school , but it’s a worry i case it’s worse there due to fewer children .,, ?

I have heard that children often find their ‘tribe’ as they get into the later teenage years .., My DS1 has dyspraxia and has struggled a bit , but is now at uni and has definitely found his tribe there ...

I think it can get better as they get older and a bit more mature...

@ginfixx ah thank you! It's a catch 22, my DS has been at a fairly small independent, but being smaller has possibly meant that there isn't such a variety of types of kids...but then as you say, in a bigger school you can get lost!

I hear you re getting older and finding your tribe later, but I sometimes feel wracked with guilt that we seem to be wishing away these years (as those later might be better).

Hope your DD is ok, and you make the decision that works for her. One thing that I try to do to supplement, is that my DS does a lot of out of school activities (which he wants to do obvs) like Scouts, football, astronomy course - to keep him busy and also to try and get him with a variety of people. He goes along with it, socially nothing has really resulted but I feel like at least 'belongs' to things if that makes sense.