Husband and son with ASD

[Heydoodledandy]

Hi

Does anyone here have a child and parent ASD diagnosis? My DS was only diagnosed at the end of last year with ASD, Dyslexia and sensory and social communication difficulties. We have just secured an EHCP and now face the decision of what education setting will be right for him. Whilst getting familiar with his diagnosis I am now also questioning if our DD is also ASD. In the midst of this my husband has also been diagnosed and so I am spinning with trying to get on top of each of their needs and what provisions they need. My husband has always struggled to manage the children so his diagnosis now makes some of those struggles clearer. However he can get angry very quickly which we understand may be PDA, and I’ve only recently discovered in one instance he pushed my son who hurt himself and then instructed him to lie to me and tell me that he fell himself. I’m so torn between feeling furious that my 9 year old was told by an adult he should trust to lie and ended up having to carry that weight for 6 months, or feeling sympathy for my husband who I can now see is struggling even more than I ever realised to manage situations. Either way I feel overwhelmed and nervous to even leave the house for fear that I will come back to a blowout or a worse still things get hidden from me. I’m really not sure where to turn. We have very little family support near where we live. Has anyone tried parenting counselling and if so was it one that had experience with an ASD parent and child? TIA

There is definitely a genetic link with Autism, so both a parent and a child, or children having it is pretty common.

Why don't you get in touch with NAS .
They are really supportive and offer all sorts of things. Under usual circumstances there are local groups and meet ups, and during the lock down they have really worked hard on developing webinars which might help you understand the difference that your ds and your dh (and possibly dd) have, and how that makes life challenging for them.

Thanks BackforGood. I’ll be honest, I am really struggling. I’ve developed some good strategies with my DS, but my DD is a whole other level with so much being masked and the PDA leads to argument upon argument in the home. My DH has put his head in the sand and thinks that a weekly counselling session will be enough for him. In the meantime I’m working flat out trying to sort my DS EHCP and school. Navigating my DD challenges, and trying to support a younger NT DS who is beside himself with why things are so hard at home. I’m also trying to run a business in the midst of this. After the recent incident with my DH and DS I’ve asked him to considering moving in with his parents for a while while he gets the support he needs. I’m just struggling to support the kids and carry my husband at the same time. I feel like the family need some airspace for me to get the kids the help they need, and then see how we piece out marriage back together.

It all sounds very challenging. Particularly, as you say whilst also trying to earn a living and go about daily life too.

I’m further along into a similar situation, DD 18 was diagnosed first and also has a number of related conditions including adhd

DS 17 was diagnosed with adhd but refuses to be assessed for his quite obvious ASD and is still in denial

DH was the last to be diagnosed with ASD and adhd, they all also have anxiety disorder diagnosed

Although they all have common features they also have differences, both males are sensory seeking whereas DD is extremely sensory defensive and demand avoidant

Counselling is a good idea but really do you work finding the right person, some cause more harm than good

Find yourself an outlet, in all of the madness it’s really really important to care for yourself

I spend a lot of time organising and explaining in very non waffly words why we do or don’t do things, how actions will make others feel and with DH explaining what he needs to do as a father or husband

Like you I have zero support, if I was less unwell myself with a physical illness I would get involved with support groups just to get some interaction with others who ‘get it’

Take care, there are some wonderful days too for families like ours, today our DS’s head teacher complemented us on what a truly lovely lad our son is and how dedicated he’s been to his work through lockdown

Thank you so much for the reply Tomnooktoldmeto, it is so reassuring to hear that there are other families in the same place and surviving!

Your words about spending all your time reminding, explaining, describing resonates ALOT with me.

The differences in presentation despite similar diagnosis is the hardest thing, since what works for one doesn’t for another.

I’m going to do some more searching on the counsellor front too x