AIBU - to fear ADHD diagnosis would give DS the excuse to let go his best efforts?

[Ohlife2020]

DS has just turned 8. We believe he has ADHD which is inherited from my family side. He wasn't too bad when he was in Y2. Teacher praised his willingness to be the "wise" and "helpful" kid. He also enjoyed good marks in maths and extra-curriculum.

But the lockdown has made him demonstrate the symptoms in a much more severe way than before. His attention is all over the place and now some sort of impulsivity of defying what he's instructed just emerged in the new school term.

I was considering to go through the system to diagnose him and seek for medication. But the pandemic right now would probably push out everything for at least 2 more years (on top of the regular 2 years waiting). He's also very likely to be seen as on the borderline, so medication may not be offered?

He always (since very young) has a tendency to go around issues/difficult topics. He usually very much either dodges any engagement on serious topics or just whines all the way through without taking responsibility. So we now hesitate if we shall go through the process at all, as he will then be made aware of his condition and what it represents. DH thinks it would inevitably lead him to use it as an excuse to stop making efforts or refuse to be pushed constantly to overcome the ADHD traits in a practical world. (We have been so far mostly pushing him along to enable him thrive with confidence, including months hard work ( whining/crying ) every evening in reception year to catch up on phonics for which he was well behind at the time.)

If we are sure he would be offered med to try, or surely the diagnosis would lead to some certain effective treatment to him, we would hesitate less. But when the bleak prospect of years waiting for a diagnosis and the low likelihood of getting any effective help weighs against the possible negative effect on him, it just puts off us to take action in that direction.

I myself was diagnosed 3 years ago when I was near 40 years old. I know the impact of feeling under-achieved and the feeling that I'm always an outsider (being different). I want to give him a different life than mine, but I'm really afraid of messing it up if it doesn't work out...

Want to know if anyone regretted seeking for the diagnosis...

(I've posted this on the AIBU board but realised it might not get to the right audience....)

Ds was a similar age when we got his diagnosis. We haven't seen it as an excuse for his behaviour but a key to getting him the help he needs to succeed. Ds was medicated a year after his diagnosis and it definitely helps.

We fought the system for years knowing something was wrong. Imo if you think he might need more support than normal, seek diagnosis and help now otherwise his secondary years will end up being the battle ground for this.

And if you think ds would use it as an excuse, it's down to you are parents to ensure this does not happen. I work with Sen students. Some use their uniqueness as an excuse. Some fight for every gain. The former seem to have parents who use it as an excuse more times than not.

Get the dx and get him the support he needs. Also, the sooner your DH realises he is not being being difficult or whiny because he spoilt, the better for everyone.