Struggling with 13 yo DD

[Realmumstuff]

Hi, my 13 year old has suspected Aspergers (psychiatrist is sure, waiting to be formally diagnosed), she also has depression and has some of the traits of another personality disorder which we are investigating with our psychiatrist.

We are finding it so hard to support her, we love her so much but she continually pushes us away and has done for years. She tells us she has no feelings for us and cannot see the point of a family and how seeing others including family is "not a necessity," she says she hates being around people, she corrects everything I say and is very blunt (we think rude) to everyone at home. At the moment she only will tolerate me, hates her sister and barely tolerates my fiancé (her dad).

It's so hard, we know we have to keep calm, half the time I'm crying or wanting to scream, that is between researching all I can, taking to the GP, counsellors, other autism organisations.

She's incredibly bright and most of her spare time is spent learning something new. Her latest interest is old architecture, churches and graves, she wants us to have a picnic in the graveyard tomorrow. My youngest is terrified about this (she is not autistic) and is annoyed that we always have to do what her sister wants. She's got a point, we do just so we don't have an anxious, overwhelmed teen. I'm trying, I just feel I can't please everyone. My youngest had her friend over today...we hardly have anyone over as my oldest is so overwhelmed by it but we got through it.

It's all so new to us and our DD, we can see she's struggling but won't accept help. Our family life has more or less gone and we really don't know what our new normal is.

I'm trying to set boundaries without pushing her over the edge into a meltdown or even more scarier an internal shutdown. With a mix of the asd, depression, other issues and her just being a teen I really am struggling.

Sorry, this has turned to more of a rant as we don't seem to have any local parent/teen support in our area. My friends don't know as many have children in DD's school and she doesn't want everyone knowing, I've said we are so proud of her and it's nothing she should ever be ashamed of but she fears being bullied over it. I get that, feel so bloody alone!

Good to get it off my chest as I felt I was going to explode.

Thanks

I don't really have any practical advice, but I'm offering a handhold
In regards to your youngest daughter feeling left out, would it be possible for you and her to do something together one day a week? (Have a look round the shops, go to costa etc?) and about the picnic tomorrow, is there any way you and your oldest could go, and your youngest stay home with your fiancé? It seems a little unfair to force her to do something if she is frightened.
all the best x

Thanks for replying.

To be honest we do that all the time, as my fiancé is working from home she is alone (more or less) for hours and I don't like doing that all the time. As she also says she doesn't want a family (always hard to hear that from her) I am trying to get them out together to at least try and have fun. The graveyard is by the shops so I thought a trip to the toy shop followed by a quick trip to the graveyard might work (everything crossed).

I know September is going to be tough for her and I feel selfish for saying this but I need a break! DD is in a great, small school who are really doing all they can to help her but I know we will have full on meltdowns trying to get her in. She wants to learn and do well, as she rather bluntly says "of course I want to do well, I don't want to end up as a stripper or working in McDonalds!" Sorry if anyone is any of those

does dd attend a school specific to ASD? Do you think it would help her to know that others have ASD/mental health difficulties at school, not just her, and so the fear of bullying might be less?
hopefully you and your dc have fun tomorrow on your trip x

Hi,
My DD attends a small local independent school and is doing well (she has an academic and an art scholarship) she just struggles socially. The school have been a huge support to us. Even though DD hasn't had a formal diagnosis they have made arrangements for her such as she doesn't do oral exams in a group and working with those children she is most comfortable with.

I don't know if she would be comfortable in a specialist school, there aren't many schools that seem to specialise in HF autism children, she has no learning difficulties.

Dad took DD to see the church/graveyard in the end after he finished work, we then had our picnic in the garden Trying to deal with the latest thing DD likes to do...puts red and pink makeup around her eyes to intentionally make herself look tired, she says she likes the look. We had some looks in M&S today!

I feel in such a snappy mood, my OH has finished work for 2 weeks now. He has an overwhelmingly stressful job and I've just jumped on the stress I'm having with DD chat as soon as he finished! It didn't go well... At least it's Friday, need a glass of wine!

Hi @Realmumstuff I could have written that post about my 12yo ds! I am also stuck and dh and I are on the brink of divorce as family life is so difficult. Sending a hand hold because we get treated so badly by our son. Putting boundaries in place leads to ww3, as does any mention of help at school. He is going through ECH needs assessment right now because he's struggling socially at school, but is in total denial. Like your DD he doesn't have learning difficulties. I can only tell you you're not alone. I'm here with you

No advice really but I would let your daughter do her own thing. Your younger one surely doesn't have to picnic in a graveyard with you all and if she is too young to be left alone, one parent can stay with her while the other picnics - or she can go to a friend.

Your daughter does sound typically Asperger; I have two (adult) friends very like her. They are extremely interesting individuals and very clever but do get bogged down with ideas and their interests.

Later on she will appreciate that you allowed her to be herself. Having Aspergers does not mean she is mentally ill, just different.

Realmumstuff:
My DD attends a small local independent school and is doing well (she has an academic and an art scholarship) she just struggles socially. The school have been a huge support to us. Even though DD hasn't had a formal diagnosis they have made arrangements for her such as she doesn't do oral exams in a group and working with those children she is most comfortable with.

Don't change schools, the one she is at sounds fine.