Help dealing with DD, 7 ASD [title edited by MNHQ]

[KubaLeebre]

Wasn't sure where to post this.

DD is 7.5 and is such hard work. She's so negative about everything and moans constantly. All she wants to do is go on her iPad. Made such a fuss when we were out for a walk that I actually turned round and took her home. She was crying and shouting that she had a headache. It was embarrassing to be honest.

She refuses to join any clubs so doesn't have any hobbies.

I'm actually crying right now as I'm so fed up. I love her so much, but I'm starting to not want to be near her

DO check this out if you let her continue.

https://www.internetmatters.org/hub/esafety-news/parents-guide-to-roblox-and-how-your-kids-can-play-it-safely/

I have two children with autism. I wouldn't remove the iPad. I would use it on a reward basis and in fact I would give her longer than she has at present to take away the desperation for it. Often discipline for NT children will not work with children with autism especially if they're demand avoidant. My dd was horrific at that age and then again at 9/10. She's 13 now and doing brilliantly but needed careful handling for a long time. I'm sure we will have further dips too. I gave in to it and worked with her rather than against her. Once you accept she can't help it and she's actually not being "naughty" it will get easier. DD's challenging behaviour all came directly from anxiety. Autistic girls anxiety is often off the charts and I believe that many of them are never 100% chilled, they're usually heightened most of the time, hence the sudden and extreme kick offs that seem to come from nowhere.

I don’t think it is wise to take away the iPad as that seems to be the highlight of her day and two hours is not much screen time during lockdown conditions. If she were showing signs of addiction, ie playing on it all day and past bedtime, then I’d agree. But to take away 2hrs? When she’s already struggling?

I couldn't agree more.

She is probably using the I pad to self regulate, it would be cruel to take it away

@YgritteSnow I think that mind-shift to "she can't help it" is really key.

I did tell her she couldn't have it today and that was because of my own anger about the aborted walk. I realise that I was unreasonable and am letting her have it now.

To be fair, it's mostly Roblox that's she's doing (it used to be Animal Jam but has moved on). She is calm. It's like it's soothed her. She will actually come off when it is time to come off.

I wonder whether moving this to the Sen boards would make sense, as I think maybe I need to learn more techniques specific to ASD kids...

Yes, I think it's self-regulation

She's literally sitting next to me on the iPad, smiling and hand flapping intermittently. Little sausage.

I think that's a good thing op. Good luck.

This is very interesting. My DD is 6 in Aug and has ASD. Other than going to school three days a week at the moment she pretty much will not leave the house.
She will shout/scream that I'm making her angry all the way down the street on the rare occasions she does leave the house without a thought about how it looks all because she doesn't want to leave the house.
She also does not want to see school friends. No motivation to do anything apart from play Minecraft on my phone or play playmobil nursery schools all day every day.
You are not alone OP. It's difficult because I love her v much but often her behaviour and need to control everything leads me to dislike her sometimes.

I've no doubt you'll find a way to work this Kuba. She's at a tricky age in a tricky trying time, but she's got you on her side, making sure she's happy and okay.

I wonder whether moving this to the Sen boards would make sense, as I think maybe I need to learn more techniques specific to ASD kids...

Yes. That board saved me when mine were being diagnosed .

I do think that researching autism in girls will help and do it regularly because even after ten years I sometimes forget and get frustrated but a quick google will remind me and help restore my patience levels. I do think it's very important to behave as though she has been diagnosed already though I did find that hard sometimes and the formal diagnosis was a huge relief so I would pursue that at all costs if I were you. When my dd is feeling safe and happy she is the best, most cooperative child you'd ever meet. I marvel at how good and kind and thoughtful she is, she hasn't got a mean bone in her body. The only time she isn't like that is when she is struggling, so I remind myself of that strenuously when she's being Hard Work . It's not easy but I promise you if you can move to that mind set of accepting "well she can't help it and that's it" you'll find your lovely girl again. There'll be moments though, even after all this time I still have bouts of frustration, when I feel I just have nothing to give her. It's hard on everyone. Be kind to yourself as well as her. How are you supposed to know what to do? Impossible! Autism is one of parentings biggest curve balls if you ask me!

Take away the ipad. Tell her it's broken. I don't know any primary-aged children who are able to cope with screens in the way that adults and most older children can. They all seem to lose interest/enthusiasm for non-screen-based activities, develop addictive behaviours, and freak out when screen time ends.

Screens are a tricky shout but also probably the key. What works for our autistic son is very limited tablet time. He had an hour 3x per week at that age. It couldn't be every day. Plenty of scheduled days off really seemed to help him to break off from just being paralysed until tablet time. I do see how plenty of tablet time works for others, but even at 7 we could talk explicitly with him about why we limit it so much.

Try a structured timetable if you haven't already. We are finding Joe Wicks, a daily online class, snack time in usual break time, and his own reading time are a good start to structuring the day. But as always, horses for courses. (Joe Wicks etc counts as exercise, not screen time.)

Sounds very like my DD who is eight in June. I'm waiting on a diagnosis of ASD. She loves her iPad and doesn't want to do much else although she does play beautifully at times. She can be 'hard work' though and the lockdown is getting to her. She can be gorgeous but there are times when I just want to walk away. Like you I feel like such a bad mum at times.

Sounds silly but if she really likes cats maybe get Exploding Kittens and Cat Chaos card games.. Might help her be prepared to try them.

Did you try taking her to classes when she was younger like swimming? What about board games instead of the iPad. Read to her before he goes to sleep maybe.

@Willowmartha1 Maybe we need a thread in Special Needs for undiagnosed girls aged 7+, because I feel similar to you. I feel like such a bad mum because I nag and complain at her all the time (doesn’t help that she won’t do anything without being totally micromanaged). It’s hard to adjust your expectations of a child when you hope they’re gaining a little independence here and there but they’re seemingly incapable (or perhaps just unwilling) of doing things unaided.

We are editing the title, and moving this to the SEN board, as requested by the OP.

Dont get rid of ipad Join in . It is something she enjoys.

Play Roblox with her

yvonnenewbold.com/screen-time-and-send-children-how-to-get-the-balance-right-vcb-blog-series-8/

@RivkaMumsnet I’ve never seen the SEN board before, where do you find it? It’s not here (screenshot)

Oh wait, I’ve just figured out it’s a sub forum within Education (god these boards are a mess - no offence MNHQ ). Although it might be better to move to one of the SN sub forums rather than Education, imo.

Joining in is a good idea embrace.
My youngest DD who I think may have ASD (Aspie) is currently playing Animal Crossing with DH (her dad). The switch is plugged into the TV. We played a board game after dinner and now they’re running around on that new animal crossing island until bedtime.
I think Animal Crossing is good for her social skills because she can see and learn the “scripts” of how to talk to friends. We’ve had endless trouble with her being blunt and rude without even realising. Then we’d try and explain how to be polite and she just doesn’t get it. So the Animal Crossing scripts...where you choose a pre-written response has her learning the kinds of things you say to friends and it’s boosted her confidence (and the number of real life friends.)

@haworthia yes good idea, I feel like I'm always nagging her to things such as get dressed etc it's so tiring !!

If she's autistic you can't make her be "normal." Essentially social activities like Brownies and sports activities are very difficult for many children with autism.

And you won't get rid of the obsessions. What often happens is that one obsession replaces another one.

Our son had a range of obsessions from Thomas the tank engine to mini beasts to dinosaurs, robots, polar bears, cats, Dr Who and steam trains.

Instead try using the obsessions to do other things eg cat puzzles, cat stories, drawing and painting cats, making cakes and icing cat faces on top etc.

You might even think about getting a real cat, which is what we ended up doing, even though I resisted the idea for a long time.

It's hard work living with an autistic child - in our experience it does get easier as they get older.