Help dealing with DD, 7 ASD [title edited by MNHQ]

[KubaLeebre]

Wasn't sure where to post this.

DD is 7.5 and is such hard work. She's so negative about everything and moans constantly. All she wants to do is go on her iPad. Made such a fuss when we were out for a walk that I actually turned round and took her home. She was crying and shouting that she had a headache. It was embarrassing to be honest.

She refuses to join any clubs so doesn't have any hobbies.

I'm actually crying right now as I'm so fed up. I love her so much, but I'm starting to not want to be near her

If she has ASD, then she is also at high risk for depression. She does not sound at all happy. I don’t think it is wise to take away the iPad as that seems to be the highlight of her day and two hours is not much screen time during lockdown conditions. If she were showing signs of addiction, ie playing on it all day and past bedtime, then I’d agree. But to take away 2hrs? When she’s already struggling? No.
She may well view it as a punishment, is it? And if so, what for? Her tears? Her headache? Her not liking walks? Is it really fair to her to punish her for being sad/sick/tired?

I’d instead focus on the rest of the day and see if you can come up with other interests she might like. Maybe build different things out of Lego. Or play a board game with her. Ask her if she’d like to go to a garden centre and get some seeds to grow. Can you walk where there are horses or cows? ASD children usually are drawn to animals and would be up for walking to a field and drawing pictures of horses.

Mine doesn’t play by herself either. Never has. Rarely occupies herself with anything at all. The money I’ve wasted on craft kits, hoping that this one will be the one that piques her interest!

Hi similar issues with my DD who is older now. One tactic I found did help was to put a little list together such as The Walk/Baking/Read for half hour/crafting and make it known that one had to be chosen then time allowed on gadget. Personally I don’t think just taking it away at such a weird time is good for anyone but I would explain that time doing things off the list was a must too. Often once engaged with something I could stretch it out for ages as she usually enjoys doing things once the gadget lust has faded! Then she could have the stress free agreed time back on gadget and then we would all have a bit of time to ourselves.
Just something that helped me anyway. If she rubies the activity or didn’t join in she wouldn’t get her allowed time.

*ruined not rubies

Some good ideas here. She is completely obsessed with animals (to the point that her "special interest" is cats). She loves farms and zoos etc and also birds. Maybe I should make sure walks include bird spotting...

I feel like a shit mother. I just want her to enjoy thing, like sport, Brownies, dance etc. She's not interested in things I ever was, no dolls or any kind of make believe play. She has her obsessions and I'm so sick of hearing about them. The guilt is horrendous but I just want her to have a few more "normal" things

I think two hours on an iPad a day is a lot - even in lockdown. I agree with PP who drew up a list of activities and one had to be picked before iPad time.
To be clear - you are not a shit mother and unmumsnetty hugs. Girls get a hormone surge between 6 and 8 as I understand which makes them harder to deal with.

If you were a shit mother you wouldn't be asking for help and ideas of how to help her, would you?
I have two children with asd- one plays, one doesn't. It's so hard with the one that doesn't, because she always wants entertaining!

I didn't have normal interests at that age, and I'd happily have never gone out at that age. My Mum made me. 😂

I'd try - making Pokemon food - themed cakes or macerons which look like poke-puffs.

If she likes roblox could you interest her in coding? There's great courses online for kids and you could work through it together (obviously if you're trying to work from home this might be hard). I think there's magazines for it too but not sure about age range.

I can see the arguments for removing the screen but in my opinion it seems you're very sensible about use.

You're clearly doing your best 💐

I think, ultimately, if she is autistic then you can’t keep her from her obsessions. That’s just who she is. I’m probably autistic too so I find it easier to accept that than most, admittedly

I don’t think two hours on an iPad is a lot. How much time do we spend on our phones Mumsnetting?! So for me, I don’t fret too much about the screens, the key is what’s happening on the screens. Educational programmes, YouTube channels and apps are OK in my book.

I think the problem with restricting the ipad time to 2 hours (or whatever)at a set time is that she'll just be waiting for that time. Have you had a look at National Geographic kids magazine op? It's quite good for animal obsessed kids, this week's has some wild flower seeds, craft activities and some binoculars to make (good for bird watching walks). The rhs also have some good suggestions for bug hotels/making wormeries etc. Friends of the Earth are doing a free activity pack you can download and print too. Could she make her own Fimo zoo or farm?

Also, our b&m is doing loads of cheap aquabeads at the moment if you have one.

Two hours is not a lot on an iPad for gods sake. It’s not like she’s all day every day at school

If she is autistic then removing the iPad is simply cruel. As a pp said. Find out what she does wish to do and try to focus on that. If not, make it easy on both of you and don’t pressurise her to do stuff. There are no rules op. You don’t need to do x y and z with her, a this stage her happiness and well being, inc yours is paramount.

It sounds like you want her to like the things you like. She is independent to you and a unique individual. Why not ask to join her on the tablet and try and ask questions etc. Limit the tablet but don't take it away, that seems like a punishment for just being herself.

Take her to a doctor, she seems to have low energy??? Thyroid, diabetes come to mind but I’m not a doctor. Worth ruling these out.

You’re not a bad mother. But it can be hard to have a DD so completely different from you. I have two DDs that are polar opposites. Neither of them is like me. You just have to grin and be interested in their obsessions to connect with them and encourage them. Trust me, I’ve faked interest so long in Pokemon and Victorian fashions that it’s actually started to be a bit interesting to me.

I think indubioushas a good point about setting iPad time for 4-6pm same time every day. Think about just freeing that up and let her decide when she wants her 2hrs.

That's too much time on her iPad at 7
I would reduce the amount of time she spends on there. Let her complain, let her get bored, eventually she'll do something else
Good luck!

@flabby

Not if she is possibly autistic as op said in her update.

Exactly @Cheeeeislifenow

Traditional/tough parenting techniques do not work on autistic kids.

I don't think 2 hours a day under today's circumstances is a lot, autism or not.

Would she play roblox with her friends on the ipad do you think? Could you maybe find some other 'screen' things she likes to do? Minecraft Dungeons is out next week which she might like. She also might like Zoo Tycoon; I'm not 100% sure it's available on ipad tbh, but in it you basically build and look after a zoo. The animal interactions are really nice on a large tv! (we play it on xbox)

Obviously we don't want our children to be spending from sun up to sun down gaming, but she seems happy with the hours she has - I wouldn't try and change this one thing.

I'm sorry I don't have any other advice, but you're not a bad mum, by any stretch.

My 8yo DS has probable ASD - awaiting assessment - though it isn't initially obvious and people who've only met him a few times are surprised he's being assessed (I'm not, nor are school or wider family!). Anyway he is the same, obsessed with screens, not interested in any hobbies (besides video games and reading) or clubs, like OP we have loads if fun things to do things at home but he is not up for them at all. There is also a lot of screaming and shouting! My other child is almost certainly NT and parenting him is so much easier.

Mother of ASD girl here.
Why not work with the cats special interest and make a fact file? She could research different breeds and look for pictures. Screens are often a tool for self- regulation for children with ASD and the strategies for NT children don’t always work for them. Another thing might be having a visual timetable that you work out together where you include exercise, Aqua -beading and screen- time. Autistic children respond well to predictability and badly to lack of routine .

Tate the ipad away!

I would do away with the iPad Monday to Friday, with time allowed on the weekends (to be earned with good behaviour). In the week if you need some down time perhaps allow some TV, it's easier to restrict as you can say one/two episodes depending on length.
As for other activities I would offer her a closed choice - shall we play a board game or do some painting? If she refuses to engage say that's fine if she doesn't want to play with you, you will get on with hoovering/washing up/work emails. Offer her the chance again later after leaving her to entertain herself for a while. Persevere with the exercise as it'll help release some frustration - maybe make going on a walk nicely one of the things she needs to do to earn iPad time.

Also not sure how safe Roblox is op. Sorry. But di check this out if you let her continue.