Advice - dealing with my son is breaking me

[MtnBikeChick]

I feel like a terrible mother. I have not enjoyed the majority of the last 7-8 years with my 9 year old son. He has always struggled at school and has been a very volatile and angry child at home. I have been miserable for years. I felt like it was me, my parenting, my personality, something. He has a 6 year old brother who is very different and it made me realise something was up. Eventually, after a friend suggested I look into it, we realised our DS9 had so many symptoms of ADHD (inattentive - not hyperactive) and we had him assessed by a psych (privately) 2 weeks ago. Sure enough, the diagnosis was conclusive - not even borderline. It explains so much, particularly his extreme academic struggles. We are starting medication imminently and also executive processing counselling/coaching. The problem is this has ground me down so much I am broken. I have been on a low dose anti depressant for years now 20mg citalopram) but this is really affecting family life. His little brother is witnessing so much screaming and anger and now violence - throwing things around the house, swearing. My son is actually a sweet boy, he is kind and sensitive, but I hate parenting this. I am taking some time off work because I am struggling to juggle everything. My marriage is suffering as it makes me and my husband argue (but we are conscious of this and we are trying to be a team). I am ashamed to say we are considering boarding school from year 6 or 7 as it is becoming too much and making family life so miserable. I am struggling to get out of bed in the morning. Can anyone empathise? Anyone been there? I have read all the books. I have lists and wall charts and plans and everything. Everything is still miserable and shitty. So much shouting and anger and volatility.
I have also noticed that screen time (xbox and iPad - not so much TV) really exacerbates things even though he only has it Friday/Saturday/Sunday. After he turns it off (usually there is a fight about that - even though we use timers and warnings and so on) he is HORRIBLE and tends to start a fight with his brother or me immediately afterwards.
Anyone been here and come through it?

Anyone?

Have you applied for an EHCP?

You can ask for social care assessments. A carer's assessment for you and an assessment from the disabled children's team for DS.

Hopefully things will improve once he is on a stable dose of medication.

What is an EHCP? We are in the private medical system and DS is in an independent school.

I know what you mean about being ground down, it’s a thankless task, local charities have been my saviour, but I still have dark days. I’m certainly not in any way, the same person I was 10 years ago.

An EHCP is an Education Health Care Plan - a legal plan that sets out pupils needs and what support they need. You can apply even though DS is in an indie school. IPSEA have a model letter you can use. You may have a fight to get DS' current indie school named, but a change of school doesn't sound a bad idea if he isn't coping there. Are the school providing support?

It would be worth getting a referral to CAMHS as well.

I feel your pain - my son sounds similar but his anger is generally directed at my poor DH. Agree that TV makes things worse (when it gets turned off) so we spend as much time outdoors as possible - but l live in the country which makes that possible.

Hi Op
Big hugs from me, we are in the same boat.
It’s my youngest ds, has always been tricky, moody difficult to parents a5 times.
Now having major violent meltdowns and since December has kicked multiple teachers and me of course.
We are just starting private assessment as cahms waiting list is 8-10 months!
He is out of school atm as I can’t bear another major one.
I just feel so powerless and terrified of the future.
You are not alone x

Is the school helping? It sounds like he might be unhappy if he is getting so angry.
I have children with ADHD/ADD and have found schools can sometimes struggle to deal with it. Remember it cannot be ‘disciplined’ out of him, he needs understanding and help and not harshness.
Medication can take a while to get right but definitely helps.